My darling peasants and poors, I have been given my life's mission from God herself, and that is to avenge the INJUSTICE that is Adam Driver's career. I've long doubted the rise of Mr. Driver, who aesthetically is woefully unprepared for the rigors of mainstream fame, but who also surreptitiously appealed to my lack of taste with a certain familiarity in his performance style and tone, and also because he has good shoulders. Until today, I allowed his lumbering presence to inhabit my safe space, but then, like a GOOP-brand dildo I ordered with a stolen credit card, it came to me. This off-brand, Hot Topic Lurch had weaseled his way into the hearts and minds of midwestern moms and Hunter Harris on the back of none other than 1999 made-for-TV Jesus himself, Jeremy Sisto.
Now, you may be asking yourself, "who the fuck is Jeremy Sisto?" And to you I say, "I think you left your Cranberries CD on the quad. Please excuse yourself before somebody snags it." For those of TASTE, Jeremy Sisto had a profound impact during their prepubescent years, guaranteeing a lifetime of being attracted to unavailable men who will use your friends for weed and then leave you in a convenience store parking lot to be robbed in a mini dress. Rollin with the homies, straight into my masturbatory fantasies.
So, how does this apply to the personification of a Morrissey Muppet Baby, Adam Driver? Well, upon a 20-years-delayed viewing of the impeccable Six Feet Under, I was startled by a 2001 performance that looked eerily reminiscent to a Girls deleted scene that was cut for being too thought-provoking. At that moment it hit me as strong as the male gaze in Sisto's 2003 film, Wrong Turn, Adam Driver is NOTHING but a Jeremy Sisto impersonator. The vocal tone, the performance style, the puppy dog sadness masking major misogynistic tendencies, it's classique Sisto. But for some insane reason, he's stuck on copaganda procedurals and Maroon 5 music videos, while Adam Driver is dick deep in Oscar noms. Not anymore. Not in Biden's America. I mean, Maroon 5? What terrible war crime would one have to commit for such a inhumane punishment?
TELL ME THIS IS NOT AN IMPROVED UPON ADAM DRIVER PERFORMANCE!!!!!
( YOU CAN'T, SO DON'T...Collapse )
What actor do you think stole another's career?