beysactingcoach (beysactingcoach) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,
beysactingcoach
beysactingcoach
ohnotheydidnt

Revisiting One Hit Wonder Reality Television: I Wanna Marry "Harry" Episode 1 (ONTD Original)



OP needs a mindless mental escape from MCAT studying, grad school bullshit, and work bullshit so I'm staring this absolutely dumb as fuck series where I am going to revisit one season really TV shows because the fever dream that is 2020 needs some fever dream reality television content to match it. With this I will make a post about each episode with the premise, recap, shocking twists galore.

First show in the series: I Wanna Marry Harry
Premiered: May 2014 on FOX, pulled from the air after four episodes... because of course it was


Premise: Twelve very loud, tanned, American women are flewed out to the UK, to some grand state where they know they are going to meet some very important motherfucker who is looking for love. The man in question? His Royal Heir Imperalist Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, well it's not him because why would a prince need to go on some gawwdamn reality TV show for love? He's got the red hair and the schnoz, so the poor pretend prince wants to find love. But we come to a crossroads of the ages, what if they suspect it's not him, and they don't become a princess?


CONTESTANTS
Leah - clearly supposed to be a quirky, alternative girls
White Meghan - clearly our snobby villain
Chelsea - we got a sistah
Anna Lisa - who OP kept calling Mona Lisa, she's Miss Los Angeles
Rose - describes herself as a preschool teacher with a naughty side
Kimberly - Bronx accent, so OP thinks she knows the Mob Wives. Has she made an appearance on Mob Wives?
Andrea
Jacquline
Carley
Maggie
Karina
Kelley




We are introduced obviously to the premise of the show and the preview of the drama that will unfold over the next few weeks. So let us begin talking about this styling - I'm convinced this was filmed in 2010 because the feather earrings, the fake tan, the Jeffrey Campbell platforms, you just know all of them have at least one Murakami LV bag. YouTube said I could pay for this show, but the free uploads are listed right under so... because I'm an honest human I paid. I wonder if Meghan tried out for this show or at least watched it, I'll schedule the Zoom call with ha to ask.

Fake Ass Harry (real govmint name: Matt) has to undergo some My Fair Lady shit, with styling, learning etiquette, and how to cosplay and learn basic facts about Real Rich Colonial Harry.

The ladies get to the mansion before him and one of them utters: "I get this feeling he's British." Some of the ladies are quite accomplished and seem to good for fake or real Harry - one received her Doctorate in Physical Therapy and one is pre-med in Cell/Molecular Bio.

To make the ladies think he's the real deal, production as gone all out - they're at some sumptuous estate, Fake Ass Harry touches down in a helicopter and then gets rushed off into a Range Rover while the ladies look on. The Jeeves around the estate always refer to him as "Sir". Chief Jeeves informs the ladies there's going to be a Masquerade Ball where they're get glammed up and meet "Sir".

The Masquerade Ball looks hella basic it's just him waiting for the girls to walk some red carpet and meet them. One thing to note, none of the women curtsy to him, which not sure if Royal protocol, but we're American, one of these heffas should've curtsied. At this elegant ball, there's no food but there's alcohol and one of the contestants Maggie is knocking those cosmos back like Carrie.

To get acquainted with the potential pretend princesses, Fake Ass Harry dances with each of them, doing some super stuffy waltz, Leah's Jeffery Campbell platforms are not on her side with this dance. He also pulls a few aside a la The Bachelor to get to know a little more as much as one can do one a reality TV show. Naughty preschool teacher Rose is loud, Kimberly is just a New Yawker, and the other ones were forgettable.


After the Masquerade Ball, Faux Prince picks one lady to put in the Crown Suite (next to his room, but I mean he wants to put his British Bell-end in her Yankee Doodle) and one of these heffas is getting evicted. That's really it - I've got seven more episodes of this.

Who is getting scooted from Sham Sandringham?
[Spoiler (click to open)]quirky, cool blonde Aubrey Plaza Leah

Who bout to get their back blown out by the British?
[Spoiler (click to open)]Rose, naughty preschool teacher

Sources 1 2 my notes (yes, I took them) and my lapse in judgement
Tags: cancellation, ontd original, reality show, television - fox, who asked for this
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