Q: Hypothetical: On the eve of the South Carolina primary, you are unjustly accused of fathering an illegitimate child. What is your defense strategy?
A: 1. Find out who squealed.
2. Hard to say. What color is this illegitimate child?
Q: College nickname?
A: High Snow Lord of the Blowlands (there’s an innocent story behind this —I was snorting cocaine for charity.)
Q: What is your strategy to enhance your appeal to women voters?
A: First of all, I don’t want to appeal to women voters. I want to appeal to lady voters. That being said, I guess I’d open a lot of doors.
Q: Please give your litmus test for Supreme Court candidates.
A: I don’t have a litmus test. I do, however, have a lick-mus test. If they will let me lick them, I don’t think they should be Supreme Court candidates.
Q: Please list four jobs prior to current position:
A: 1. Correspondent/whipping boy, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Duties included: carrying water for Jon Stewart’s liberal agenda.
2. Investigative reporter, WKJC-Raleigh. Blew the lid off the “YIELD” sign controversy on Maple Street, just past the Arby’s.
3. Male prostitute—but “classy.” In fact, that was my street name: Butt Classy.
Q: Please list any further events or actions that could potentially be embarrassing to your candidacy:
A: 1. Once treated Wolf Blitzer as peer
2. Tongued Jane Fonda
3. Totalitarian ruler of Malawi, 1982-84