Hello 90 Day Hamily! I think we've almost made it to the end of the season! But don't worry, TLC will still be bringing us trash in the form of a second season of The Family Chantel, who will be wreaking havoc on the Philippines this time as heretofore unseen brother Royal makes a return with his own 90 Day Fiance. Things are about to get more stupider, that's for sure! But until then, we still have things to sort out with our Happily Ever After couples, as they speed toward drunken wedding shenanigans, unnecessary plastic surgery, awkward fitness routines, awkward family dinners, and as usual...way too much information about Angela's sex life! Let's dive in!
Colt and Larissa
Colt has decided once again that post-breakup and now that Vanessa has also moved out, it's time to work on Colt 2.0. Of course, when the season began, he was declaring it a new Coltissance as he worked on Colt 2.0, so I guess this is Colt 3.0. Except, we only saw him working out in his garage one time for 30 seconds, so I don't know if we can really call it a 2.0 transformation. So I guess that would make this version Colt 2.25.
This time, Colt has decided he's done with working out inside his garage, and he's gonna expose all of Las Vegas to his workout routine. He heads to a nearby park that has one of those areas where you can do some outdoor exercises, and under the blazing Las Vegas sun he tears through his workout routine. I know what you're thinking--he seems like a Crossfit douche. Maybe a P90X. Oh no, Colt is shredding it Hopscotch style...except he gives up after about two hops. He tries some arm dips and almost falls down, does a lunge which is basically getting down on his knee, and rips through some very assisted pullups before being so exhausted that he has to go barf in a trash can. Even though he hasn't even broken a sweat.
I guess I should feel bad making fun of it because everyone has to start somewhere, but it's Colt and he probably thinks he looks super sweet and buff doing this working out video. Seriously....you have to see it. It's unlike any workout you've ever seen before:
While he's taking a break, Colt's friend and self help book enthusiast Steve wanders into the park. He's here to drop some knowledge on Colt, which is basically that maybe Colt needs to take a good hard look a his relationship with his mother wife. Colt admits he needs to set some boundaries, but he's not sure how to approach Debbie about this. After all, she's his main beef stew supplier. He declares he has to take responsibility for his own life. He and Steve then play a game of football not unlike a Cleveland Browns game, as Steve throws the ball, Colt can't catch it, and lets out another sea lion sound as he drops to his knees after probably getting hit in the nuts again. Football is back, baby!
Across town, Larissa heads out to get her new magical boobies. Eric seems more nervous about the surgery than she is, and hovers around like a mother hen while she changes into her gown and tucks her hair into her surgery cap. The surgeon comes in, lets them know it'll be a few hours for the surgery, and Eric can wait upstairs for the new Larissa.
Eric apparently can't tell time, because as soon as the doc tells him it will be a few hours, we cut to Eric pacing around in the waiting room saying he doesn't know how long this will take. He must have been working on "Anxious worry" in his acting class this week, because he laps around the waiting room about 500 times, asks the receptionist for an update, gets an update, then tells the camera nobody is giving him updates. We get an update though, as we get some gross shots of Larissa's nose and breasts getting cut open. Out in the waiting room, Eric admits this is the first surgery he's ever attended, as if he's going to the opera or something. It's not something you attend, Ericee. I also don't understand why this guy didn't bring his cell phone. I feel like most dudes would be sitting out there in the waiting room swiping on Tinder just in case the surgery didn't come out as planned.
Finally Dr. Nip/Tuck comes out and tells Eric that the surgery was a success, and Larissa should be released in about 20 minutes. 45 minutes later, Eric is freaking out because Larissa is nowhere to be found. I'm not sure if he's freaking out because she's possibly dead, or if he's freaking out because she's possibly run out the back door with his "investment in their future" bolted to her chest. He walks around the back of the building, letting himself into an area clearly marked as authorized personnel only, and peeks into the room where a nurse is trying to wake up Larissa. After a few moments, Larissa comes around, moaning that she can't sit up. They kick Eric out of the area, then wheel Larissa around a few moments later. She's very doped up, very out of it, and very adamant that Eric not touch her...so business as usual. Eric and the nurse get her into the car, and on the drive home you can see Eric starting to freak out about having to take care of Larissa post surgery. He manages to get her out of the car and into bed, and I do have to applaud him managing to do that, because getting out of the car and into the house after my open heart surgery was the hardest part (aside from the time I got tangled up in my blankets and fell off the couch, and had to sit there and wait for my sister to come home from work to rescue me from myself because the doctor said I couldn't use my arms to lift myself up from things. FYI, my sister walked in the door and laughed at me because I was lying there, my hair in two Heidi braids, clad in PJs with rubber duckies in soap balloons on them, with a cell phone pinned to my PJs, swaddled in blankets rolling around like a turtle on its back.) You really have no idea how much you use the muscles in your chest in day to day life until you can't use them.
Eric piles all the pain pill bottles on Larissa's sleeping form, calls the doctor's office to see if he can give her pills, then tries to force feed her some kind of pumpkin soup. For God's sake man, just let her sleep with her pink Teletubby thing that's lying in her bed! He tells the camera taking care of Larissa makes him realize how much he cares for her and I guess he thinks this will be good experience for his resume when he tries out for "Male nurse 2" on Grey's Anatomy.
Paul and Karine
Paul and Karine and their 365 suitcases are headed back to Brazil. Paul keeps saying it's just a visit, but it looks like they are bringing everything they own. Mother Paul is at the doctor and unable to take them to the airport. Karine looks very happy to be heading home, but Paul definitely isn't. He says he's afraid once they are down there, Karine won't want to come back. And he will miss things from the US, like clean tap water. Oh and also his family. But mostly clean non poop water. They arrive at the airport, and once again Paul's entire existence is summed up as he stacks suitcases on the baggage cart only to have them collapse in a pile of disaster. Inside, Paul can't find their passports, and now has to search through 365 bags to find them. He finally does, and as he does Mother Paul walks into the airport to say goodbye. Paul for some reason decides to awkwardly lift her in the air, except he's Paul and everything he attempts is a failure. Especially since Mother Paul seems to have just come back from the doctor about her back pain, probably from this fool trying to swing her around like he's in a MGM musical. Mother Paul says goodbye to Karine and Baby Pierre, and starts to cry. Karine tells the camera she hates seeing Mother Paul cry, but Paul had two months to find a job and he didn't so it's time to leave. Mother Paul reminds Paul when he gets stressed out he needs to breathe, and to call her when he gets there.
Paul tries to push the luggage cart toward the gate, and it gets stuck and he can't move it or the baby stroller. "He's already having problems" Mother Paul observes, and that right there is the title of Paul's biography if anyone ever want to write it.
Kalani and Asuelu
Asuelu catches us up to what's been going on post therapy. He says he thinks he and Kalani are doing better after going to therapy, and he thinks their progress means it's a perfect time to spring his greedy ass family on everyone again. Mother Asuelu and Rosa arrive first, then Tammy will arrive later. At the airport, Asuelu hugs his mother but she doesn't hug back. That costs extra. She complains that Kalani didn't come to greet them at the airport, and acts like Kalani is petty for holding a grudge against being told her kids don't matter and they want to beat her ass. Asuelu takes his mom and Rosa to the hotel, and sits her down to give her the 411. He tells her he expects her to apologize to Kalani for how they treated her in Portland. Mother Asuelu is furious. She says she sees what is happening, that Asuelu is putting his wife before his mother in his mind, and that's unacceptable. She tells him she needs him and Kalani to divorce immediately. I feel like Mother Asuelu and Debbie would be BFFs. Asuleu worries to the camera that with this reaction, he's not sure this visit will be a good idea.
Tammy finally arrives, and Asuelu drives his greedy family to the restaurant where Kalani and her parents are waiting and discussing how tense this dinner will be. In the car, Asuelu once again reiterates to his family he expects apologies to be made to his wife, and he's tired of being in the middle. Tammy refuses to apologize, saying she has nothing to apologize for.
In the restaurant, Tammy and Mother Asuelu try to double up on the Family Kalani, with Mother Asuelu complaining that if he wants to be in the US, he needs to send her more money, and Tammy telling everyone that Asuelu is being brainwashed by Kalani. Mother Kalani asks Mother Asuelu why they seem to act like every time Asuelu says no, it's because of Kalani, implying that Asuelu can say no on his own. Tammy pops off, demanding that Mother Kalani not speak at all to their mother. "You were supposed to bring $1000 and you only brought $100!" Asuelu's family complains. Kalani again explains they don't have $1000 to give. Low tries to calm everyone down by reminding them you can't send money back home and let your own family starve. Mother Kalani tells the camera that she thinks Asuleu's family are hyping up their culture a little too much--that she and Low also had to deal with the money issue with Low's family when they married, but that it wasn't as over the top as this. Asuelu's balls finally drop as he tells his mother basically look--if they have some money they'll send it, but if that's not acceptable than he has no problem crossing Samoa out of his bank account completely. Mother Asuelu's eyes widen, and she realizes that $100 is better than $0, so she accepts this and apologizes to Kalani. Kalani apologizes as well, but Tammy digs in her heels and says to the camera that she will never apologize, and she's still going to push for a divorce. Asuelu says he's about 25% happy, but they still need to work out some issues.
Angela and Michael
It's the wedding, ya'll!!! Angela is having doubts because she's worried about what will happen if Michael can't make it to America, but she's come this far and she won't let a silly thing like immigration stop her! She stomps across the grass in her wedding dress with all the grace you can imagine, and heads down the aisle. Cool Aunt Lydia tells the camera that she still wasn't in support of the wedding after her last encounter with Angela, but she asked Michael if this is what he wanted and he said it was. She says Michael isn't a child, and if he wants to be married to Angela, she won't stop him and she'll be here to support them. The officiant starts off by demanding that if either of these two have a current spouse, there will be hell to pay because Nigeria will not be having that undeclared bigamy and you *will* be going to jail and getting a fine, and I wish Britany over on The Other Way was marrying Yazan in Nigeria so we could see *that* drama play out! The vows begin, and Angela hesitates at the "love and obey" portion that's in her vows. I wait for her to yell that she's done and stomp back the way she came, but she just laughs, mumbles the "obey"part, and they seal the wedding with a kiss and selfies.
The reception begins, and it's a rollicking affair! Angela has changed into dress 2, a red lace number, and Michael is donning his white suit with red shoes and a hat. He says it's a tradition to shower the bride with money, and makes it rain on Angela while they are out on the dance floor. The music is good, and I wait for the plot twist to come that Useman and the Yahoo Boys are the band for the night, but we are denied. Michael attempts to pull the garter off of Angela with his teeth, while she shrieks that Mama Michael is nearby! The camera makes an The Office style cut to Mama Michael looking on, wishing she had some bleach for her eyes as Michael burrows under Angela's dress. Angela gives Michael a crown to match her own, and declares to the crowd that he is the king of her heart, body and soul, oooo ohhhh.
Michael even manages to pull off the ultimate cake swindle, as Angela pays zero attention to the fact that 1/2 of the cake topper couple on top of the tall multi tiered, half American flag half Nigerian flag cake is a slim, Nigerian bride, standing right next to the groom! Keep in mind, this is a woman who lost her shit at two female strangers in the back of a picture of Michael, so that Nigerian cake frosting must really be amazing to make her overlook that cake topper! The two do seem to be happy and in love...who ever thought we'd get to this moment?? Angela does warn him however that if he thought it was batshit crazy being engaged to her, wait until he sees what it's like being married to her! Run Michael run!!
The next day, Angela informs Jojo that yes, she did get some and she did have an orgasm on her wedding night with Michael, and Michael got his as well, and....Jojo really didn't want to know that. Nor did I. Angela and Michael are taking Jojo out to a nice lunch before she leaves to thank her for taking time out of her life to witness their wedding. However, things at the lunch get a little tense as Jojo first brings up the wedding night sex, much to Michael's embarrassment, then demands to know if Michael plans on sticking around once he gets to the US. She says as a woman in her 50's, Angela doesn't have time for divorce and starting over. Michael is insulted, but insists he is with Angela because he loves her and isn't angling for a Green Card. Jojo accepts this, and wishes them well.
That evening, Angela and Michael go out to a nice restaurant/bar to unwind from the wedding and discuss their next steps. At the restaurant, Angela is still upset her family couldn't attend the wedding, and Michael insists they will have one in the US with her family. She tells him it will be extravagant, with fireworks and everything, so he better be ready to do whatever they have to do in order to pay for it, even if it means mowing lawns. She insists she won't be their only financial support, and Michael assures her he has Nigerian hustle and he wants to work, so he's both excited and nervous about a new life in America. Angela hopes he'll be in the US within 8 months, and they can begin their lives. But for now, she's ready for a reenactment of their wedding night, and let's Michael know she isn't wearing underwear. I hope someone working behind the bar heard that and wiped down her chair before the next paton sat there!!
However, Angela's night of O's is interrupted by Skyla calling to tell them that Mother Angela is unresponsive, and Skyla had to call the squad. They've taken Mother Angela to the hospital where she's in the ICU. Angela frets about getting home, and tells the camera she feels maybe she caused this by leaving to go marry Michael.
Andrei and Libby
Finally, the wedding all of Moldova has been talking about is here!!! It's the morning of the wedding, and Jenn has a super heavy hand with Libby's makeup as she helps her get ready, and get dressed in her traditional Moldovan wedding dress. Meanwhile, over at Brother Andrei's house, Andrei gets ready in his matching Moldovan shirt. He quizzes Marcel on his convo with CSI: Tampa, and Marcel says he tried to keep the info as vague as possible. Andrei believes him and says he expected Family Libby to insert their own conclusions into the story. Andrei takes off his shirt, and his boys razz him about his belly, saying he's definitely an American now. I guess Syngin turned him on to the 2 for 1 pizza deals.
Outside the church, the group meets up and Andrei goes over some of the rules of the church, like no talking and the women must cover their hair. Asshole Charlie wants to know why they can't joke around inside, and Andrei reminds him it's because it's a church. Ugh. Libby puts on her Midsommer floral crown and veil, and they head inside. The ceremony is very traditional, with crowns, and walking in circles, and Jenn is stunned that the priest puts the wedding rings on the couple instead of the couple exchanging rings. Libby says the wedding was beautiful and went by fast because she was enjoying it so much.
After being assured by Andrei that the reception will be a good time, everyone heads over to the reception hall. And, it is a good time. In fact, Jenn seems both impressed and upset by the lavishness of it. There are dancers, and food everywhere, and singers. Jenn snits that she thinks Andrei is trying to impress everyone in Moldova with what he has in America, but she's quick to remind the camera that "he doesn't have anything. Our family has that, not you."
The food is laid out, and there is some salmon that Charlie refuses to eat because it's raw. Chuck encourages him to try the shrimp, because it's cooked, but Charlie will not. Chuck actually seems open to everything the day has, and compliments the wedding several times, pulling Andrei aside to tell him the dancers were amazing, and the wedding is more like a show. Mother Libby is stunned that everyone isn't sad and poor and depressed, and even Jenn seems to enjoy the affair.
You know who isn't enjoying the affair? Charlie. He gets drunker and drunker, even stopping by the bride and groom table where Libby reminds him to eat and take it easy on the drinking. Charlie sits with his family and comments loudly that Andrei is acting like the king of Moldova, but he's not even shit in America. He complains to the camera that Chuck has 7 kids, and none of them got weddings like this, so why is Chuck spending all his money on this wedding? I feel someone needs to explain currency exchanges to Charlie. Yeah, this wedding might cost $50K in Tampa, but I have a feeling the US dollar goes a lot further in Moldova, so this lavish wedding reception probably only is half of what it would be in the US. But Charlie still thinks Tampa is the center of the cultural universe, so I'm not surprised he doesn't realize that.
Men with capes on come out and beat on giant drums while female dancers dance around with a large bread wreath. Andrei explains to Libby this bridal bread ceremony will determine who is in charge in their household--they break the wreath apart and whoever breaks off the largest piece will rule their house. "The bread has been delivered!" the announcer proclaims, as the dancers hand the bread wreath to Libby and Andrei. They each pull on a side like a wishbone, and the wreath breaks cleanly down the middle. "Equal rights!" Libby reminds Andrei gleefully.
Charlie sits at the table, drunk off his ass, and glares angrily at his sister and Andrei. Fuck their happiness, his expression says! Its time for the speeches, and Chuck takes the microphone. He thanks Moldova for their hospitality, and tells Andrei he is a member of their family and they love him (but not enough to not continue their investigations of him, I'm sure.) Charlie tries to take the mic from his dad, and after a brief struggle comes up with it. "Get your shit together in America," he drunkenly slurs. "Don't come to America and try to live off my dad. Don't ask my dad for shit." Everyone just stares, and I think Libby hopefully realizes that half the people in the room don't speak English anyway, so she claps and woos in an effort to make the non English speaking guests think Charlie has said something deeply touching and profound, but I'm sure they can just look at him and know he's never had a profound thought in his life. Andrei meanwhile is fuming, and tells Libby he's ruining their day. Libby tries to confront her brother on the dance floor, but he waves her off
Andrei won't be waved off so easily. He grabs Charlie and tells him to come outside, acting like they are going to just be heading out for a smoke, but something tells me Andrei's former cop buddies are outside to put a beatdown on him. Andrei and Charlie head outside, and Charlie gets confrontational, threatening to fight the former cop/actual Irish bar bouncer. Unfortunately, the screen cuts to black before we see Charlie get the beatdown he's had coming since probably birth.
Next week: Larissa's rebuild is revealed; Colt confronts Debbie but she's not having it; Syngin really doesn't want to leave South Africa; Asuelu has returned to his old ways of leaving Kalani to take care of the kids so Kalani tells her mom she put a tracker on his phone; Angela packs to return to America and hopes to return before her mother passes away.
Source 1, Source 2