Hello 90 Day Hamily! This week, we got sort of a boring episode, because we are putting things in place for the big double wedding episode in the next few weeks. Still, if you are a fan of making fun of your exes, hating your BFF's significant other, therapy, water filtration plants, or refusing to believe the results of your own investigations, this episode is for you!
Colt and Larissa
OK, first of all, let's get this out of the way. Whoever out there told Colt he looks like a fat Chris Evans, I am full on blaming them for this and I'm not even gonna put it behind a cut because I had people sending it to me so I'm making you all see it too:
Yeah, so that happened. *shudder* I hope Cevans saw that he was tagged in that and blocked Colt for even insinuating they are on the same thirst trap level. *Anyway*, Colt is still busy pretending he isn't getting off on Jess being upset that he's been tossing his D-pics all over town. Oh, and I guess Colt has an OnlyFans now, so it you weren't one of the 8 women being greeted by Colt's tiny D each morning, noon, and night, I guess you can now pay for that disappointment. After dropping the bomb that Vanessa has moved in, Colt points out she's in the third bedroom. Jess somehow picks up on the fact that this means Vanessa and Colt are sharing a bed. Why Vanessa, why? I thought you were cool? I'm not sure if Vanessa actually is sleeping in Colt's bed, but Jess declares it so and Colt makes no attempt to correct her. Jess starts yelling at Colt, telling him he always pretends to be a good boy but he is a TRASH MAN! Debbie comes down the stairs demanding to know what the ruckus is about, and for some reason Jess hopes she’ll get a sympathetic ear from Colt's mother-wife, as if she hasn't been planning for this moment since Colt told her of Jess's existence. Jess sobs to Debbie that she loves Colt but he treats her badly. Debbie awkwardly hugs Jess, but tells the camera this entire thing is Jess's fault and she brought all this pain on herself. Whaaa???? Because of course Jess made Colt into the narcissistic, delusional gaslighter he is. No, that honor goes to you, motherwife! Colt half heartedly apologizes, but Jess is DONE! She tells Colt she doesn't want him in her life anymore, and Colt's just like "K, bye." While she storms out without closing the door in the most fake breakup ever on this show, Colt waddles to the kitchen and pretends to pull down a bottle of Jack Daniels, same as when Larissa stormed out. Except this time, he's going to take his probably iced tea in a shot glass instead of guzzling straight from the bottle.
A few days later, Larissa tells us she received a message from someone wanting to meet her, so she heads to a restaurant to meet up with....Jess! The two women bond over their hatred of Colt and his tiny D. Jess once again makes sure that all patrons of this establishment know Colt's D pics were being sent to people 24/7 as she waves her phone around. Jess tells the camera that she's made a new friend in Larissa, so thanks for that Colt! Larissa tells Jess she is young and pretty and has big boobs, so she doesn't need to waste time on a loser like Colt. Jess agrees, and says she will perhaps change her visa to a student visa and stay in the US that way.
Andrei and Libby
Tampa's top investigative unit have decided to confront their suspect in the middle of the park during a meeting that's supposed to be about finalizing wedding plans. Apparently, these people are now gun shy about meeting in Moldova anywhere except out in the open. As soon as they meet up, Jenn tells them they met with Marcel, and he told them all about Andrei. Andrei asks why were they trying to investigate his friends, and Jenn says something like "You can't invite us to your country and then your friend drops a bombshell on us!" as if Family Libby didn't basically browbeat the story out of Marcel. Chuck says this information is very worrysome to him, so Andrei tells them....basically the same thing Marcel did. He said as a rookie cop, the people above you often ask you to do things that could be against the law. At one point, Andrei refused to comply, and had to leave the country to avoid being set up. He tells them when you a work lot of hours for small pay, it's easy to fall prey to corruption but he didn't want to do that. Chuck finally grasps the concept of struggle as he tells the camera he realizes that people here will turn to corruption because they can't get by on salary alone. Libby acts stunned to hear this story, and says she thought he left because he wanted to make more money, not because he was forced. Andrei insists he told her the story before, but all of Libby's terrible acting skills are on display as she insists that he didn't. In the end, it doesn't matter because Charlie still doesn't believe Andrei is telling the whole truth anyway, even though his story and Marcel's are the same.
Later, alone, Libby confronts Andrei and demands the full truth, threatening to not go through with the wedding if he doesn't come clean.YOU ARE ALREADY MARRIED THIS WEDDING DOESN'T MEAN SQUAT LIBBY! Andrei basically repeats the same story word for word, but adds he was afraid to tell her because he didn't want to lose her. She thanks him for telling him the truth (which she already heard!) and they hug it out.
Paul and Karine
In what he thinks is the best idea since he tried to use Kroger's 5 for $5 to sell Karine on how great America is, Paul decides he will win Karine over with a trip, in the pouring rain...to the raw sewage processing facility. He excitedly tells her that here in America, we filter our poop water unlike in her hometown. She partly can't believe Paul dragged her and Baby Pierre out for this, but it's Paul so on the other hand she's not totally surprised. The plant manager walks them around for a quick tour, before Paul decides to use this awkward moment to hit the guy up for a job. The guy says no, they aren't hiring, and exits stage left as fast as he can. Paul tells Karine he's sorry he flew off the handle, he just was scared she was leaving without him. She tells him she gave him 2 months to find a job, he hasn't, and she doesn't see the point in staying here if he's not working...that she could sit there and watch him not work in Brazil where at least she'd have her family. He says he has enough money to fly them home for a visit, so he agrees they will all pack up and go back to Brazil for a bit. Karine is happy, although Paul isn't happy about having to live with her family. Well, they probably at least have curtains.
Tania and Syngin
The Family Syngin head out for a lunch date at a local winery, where Stepdad Syngin gives the couple some advice in the wake of the meltdown at the dinner the previous night. They say they saw the real Tania, and it gave them some reservations about her, with Syngin's mom being especially hurt about the way her son's being treated. Tania admits that she has some control issues to work on, because she doesn't want to be fighting with Syngin for the next 10 years. Stepdad Syngin tells them if they get to the point where they are fighting more than loving, then it's time to call it quits. I think it's past time, but that's just me.
Later, Tania and Syngin head out to meet up with the presidents of the I Hate Tania Fanclub, Andrew and Hipster Stache. Two seconds in, they begin arguing, egged on by Syngin's friends. Tania admits there were red flags when she met Syngin, mostly that he told her he wasn't really into responsibility. He admits he wasn't, and it was like all of a sudden he was married, which is a huge responsibility. Hipster Stache tells Tania she saw the red flags, she just ignored them. They tell her she has to be patient while Syngin adjusts to his new life, but Tania is not patient. Syngin tells her she's putting expectations on him, and he's not doing the same to her. He'd be perfectly happy if she wants to work, or wants to be a housewife. "How can I be a housewife if you won't even give me a house!" she wails, crying, as she forgets she made the man live in a shed when he got here. She tells the camera she has to think about her life plan--she changed it when she met Syngin but now she wants to get back on that path, regardless of Syngin and his life plan, I guess.
Kalani and Asuelu
Over in Utah, Mother Kalani is making some kind of fried dough balls, and I swear she calls them pancakes. Tell me more about these pancakes, Mother Kalani, cause they look delicious. She asks Kalani if she's talked at all to Asuelu about their disastrous trip to see his family, but Kalani says they can't talk about it because every time she tries,Asuelu is all "Ooh, don't make me mad, I won't talk when I'm mad!" OK calm down Asuelu, you aren't Bruce Banner. Mother Kalani tells the camera she thinks Asuelu was some kind of award winning actor back home, the Leo Dicaprio of Samoa if you will, in that he snowed her daughter into believing he would not be a typical Samoan man, only to reveal his true colors when he arrived here. Kalani tells her mom she still wants to try therapy, if only so she can tell her kids she tried everything to make their family work. She wanders out in the yard, where Asuelu is hosing down baby Oliver's toys, to talk to him. Asuleu tries to pin the blame on her family getting involved with their marriage, but I don't think Kalani's family told her they didn't care about the kids, to give them money, and threaten to beat up Asuelu. OK, well maybe Low did that last part, but it was an implied threat, not screaming out about beating him up in public. Kalani tells him his family is a problem too, and they need to see a therapist if they want this to work, otherwise, they can't be married. Asuelu has some rules of his own--no white people, no women, must be Samoan. Then he'll go to therapy. He says white people or women won't understand his side, and it's easier if he can speak in his native language. Kalani tells him they'll get a translator, but to look around, they live in the middle of Whitesville, Utah, so the odds of getting a Samoan male therapist are pretty low.
A few days later, they head out to meet with the marriage counselor. He's not Samoan, but he's a man, and there is a Samoan translator there, but she's a woman so I'm sure Asuelu thinks she can't translate. The therapist asks them a few questions about how they met, and about their issues. Asuelu is angry that Kalani won't allow him to be the head of the household--he says in Samoa, the man is the head of the family, the woman is the neck, and she can't go above the head. He is angry that while he tried to stand up to his family and defend Kalani, she took it on herself to meet with them without talking to him about it first. He is upset because she told his family they can't see them anymore, which he thinks ruined any chance he has of a relationship with them, even though the fact that he only makes $7.50 an hour and isn't willing to give them $10 an hour is probably more likely what ruined his relationship with them. Kalani says she feels that Asuelu thinks she's his property because she's his wife. The therapist tells the camera that it boils down to two differing cultures, and each of them has to be willing to let go of some parts of that to come together. He gives them a homework assignment to each write down what they want the other to do in their marriage, so they can figure out how to run their household. On the drive home, they agree the therapist had some good ideas, and Kalani tells the camera if Asuelu wants her to get along with his family she will have to try and make that work.
Angela and Michael
After spending the day with Jojo, Angela wraps herself in a giant satin rainbow dress and sits down to discuss the bachelor party debacle with Michael. But before she can start, Michael has a gift for her. OMG, please be cake! No...it's not cake, but this time he's swindling her with her wedding bouquet, which is all fake flowers and fake greenery, and just as ugly looking as you'd imagine a bouquet filled with uncoordinated colors would be. Angela starts tearing up at her family not being at the wedding, and asks Michael to get her a drink. Now, given what we've seen of Angela up until now, I thought "get me a drink" meant "get me a Coke with the label peeled off" but Michael interprets that as a drink made of beer, hot sauce, and strawberry looking soda. Blech! WTF? Angela tells him she felt disrespected by his friend's choice of a bachelor party venue, and reminds him that even when they are apart, she gives him respect in not chasing after other men. He apologizes, and he says he loves her and takes the blame for his friends picking the venue for the party. He says he will do what he needs to do to change. She says she needs less of his words, and more of his actions to show he's serious. He agrees he will do that. Angela tells she camera she's always pictured Michael at the end of the aisle, and even though they are getting married in Nigeria, they have had a beautiful journey together. A journey filled with screaming and yelling and stomping out of rooms and hanging up on the phone. Love. LOL!
It's the day of the wedding! OK, so it's not the goat BBQ with TV screens showing their love story and fireworks that we could have had with DJ Doug, but it's still a wedding! Michael starts the day by farting in Angela's face, then tries to tell her it's a tradition. It fits, since Angela says she already has her head up her ass running around unorganized. They grab all their stuff, including Angela's garbage bag wedding dress bag, and hustle to the car. When they get to the wedding venue, Angela calls her family and shows them the bouquet. Her grandkids tell her she needs to have a wedding back home too, and Skyla tells her it isn't too late to run out on the wedding.
Angela and Michael walk through the wedding grounds, which are done up very nicely, to head off and get ready. Angela is a nervous wreck, and she feels like she will be getting sick. The hairdresser arrives to burn the hell out of her hair with a flat iron, and her bra is sticking out of her dress. She has no time to change, but all the time to second guess as she heads out to see Michael standing at the altar in his purple suit finery.
Next week: Will we have a double wedding, as Andrei and Libby and Michael and Angela head to the altar? Paul messes up packing everything they own to head back to Brazil. Larissa won't wake up after boobie surgery! And Asuelu's greedy family is back, demanding money straight from Kalani's family this time! And there's now a tornado warning siren going off so I gotta go!
Sorry for any typos or tags not working mods, I was at the end when tornado sirens went off and I didn't have time to proof it!