Blorpz (blorpz) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,
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ONTD Original: Musical Substitutions for Doja Cat's 6 Best Songs

I'm Dr. Blorpz, ONTD's resident unlicensed and uncertified aural dietician. I'm hearing a lot of commenters say that they want to cut back on their Doja Cat intake but are having a difficult time doing so. So I'm here to recommend some simple, guilt-free substitutions for Doja Cat's 6 best songs.

Why cut Doja Cat out of your musical diet? Some people are put off by her working relationship with Dr. Luke, who hides this relationship by using a pseudonym. Some allege she has a racist and homophobic past. Some saw her open for Lizzo and were put off by her terrible energy. I don't have any pamphlets so if you want more info, Google it!

I'm also not here to say who should and shouldn't be canceled. Continue to mew and moo with Doja Cat if she makes you happy. But if you are ready to make changes, I am here to empower you.

Finally, the information on this post is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional musical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you or your playlists require immediate musical attention, close your browser and call a DJ.
Now, let's get into it.

Song 1 - "Boss Bitch"
Musical Nutrition Value: This song makes you feel like a true baddie, like you're Bowsette in the gay club ready to break Mario's heart. And if you're a bitch and a boss, it can really help get the point across.

Substitution: Shamir - "On the Regular"
Shamir is here, he's queer, and he makes it clear he's not one to be messed with. Don't try him! Plus, it's got a similar noise in the beginning of the song (cowbell?). We may have to send that one to the lab to confirm.



Song 2 - "Say So"
Musical Nutrition Value: It's such a mood (do the kids still say that? I'm a cool doctor!), like there's a crisp autumn breeze in the roller rink. I can't understand any of the words but I understand the appeal of shouting "say so" every five seconds!

Substitution: Zhané - "Good Times"
People think "Say So" already sounds like "Good Times" by Chic, but this cover is pretty cute. And Zhané deserves some spins in 2020! It has the breeziness of "Say So" and you get to say "good times" over and over.



Song 3 - "Mooo!"
Musical Nutrition Value: The song is funny, especially if you like pot humor. I like the part where she sings other songs but with cow stuff. And there are some pretty harmonies.

Substitution: Solange - "Champagnechroniknightcap"
This song is a journey though smoking pot with your friend even though you don't get high all that often. It's not quite as humorous as "Mooo!", but it's got the harmonies and makes me soft chuckle.
Warning: This song does feature Lil Wayne, so if he's not part of your musical diet, feel free to check out other songs by Solange to find something that works best for you.



Song 4 - "Tia Tamera"
Musical Nutrition Value: It's a self esteem anthem about having human sized boobs.

Substitution: Keke Palmer - "Thick"
This is tough because "Tia Tamera" sounds a little bit like "Bodak Yellow", but I decided to take it in more of a positive direction. This song's about loving your new quarantine curves. Plus, I get the vibe that Keke is ONTD's girlfriend and I want to support her in a small way.
Warning: May not pass the Bechdel Test. Do not listen before operating heavy feminist machinery.



Song 5 - "Like That"
Musical Nutrition Value: I don't know. I hadn't heard it until the VMA's but it has 65 million views. On first listen, it's got that poppy lightness that Doja does so well. Can't really tell what's happening otherwise.

Substitution: Tinashe / ZHU - "Die A Little Bit (Remix)" ft. Ms Banks
The original "Die A Little Bit" could be "Like That"'s older sister going though a gothy industrialist phase (maybe she just read the Wikipedia page for Berlin, Germany). This remix is a little less dank but still makes me want to dance.



Song 6 - Feature on Chloe x Halle's "Do It (Remix)"
Musical Nutrition Value: It's always nice to get all the girls together.

Substitution: Kelela - "LMK_WHAT’S REALLY GOOD REMIX_ FEAT_PRINCESS NOKIA_JUNGLEPUSSY_CUPCAKKE_MS. BOOGIE_100 BPM"
This is truly the who's who of who I was listening to in 2018. It's iconic and sex positive. And I had to get Princess Nokia on this list somewhere. I think she and Doja Cat share the same versatility.
(Also, you should still stream the original "Do It"; CxH deserve to get to #1!)



Remember, at the end of the day we're all doing our best. It's OK to slip up and it's OK to vibe a little from time to time to somebody you think is problematic. And as long as r*pists and racists provide a financial benefit to corporations and the wealthy our capitalist society will continue to protect them. Take it one ear at a time, Dr. Blorpz.

Link to Spotify Playlist

Sources: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

(I have to give credit: this was inspired by the comments in yesterday's posts, ONTD Original: Boss Bitch Anthems and Chloe x Halle Do It Remix)

ONTD: Should this be a series? Any musicians you need substitutes for?
Tags: list, music / musician, ontd original
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