ShannenB (shannenb) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,

90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After Recap: Compromising Positions

Hello again 90 Day Hamily! This week's episode really was kind of a downer, with two women feeling chained to their husbands due to their children. But, we also get guest star appearances from some cute four legged creatures, so, there's that at least. And Colt was fully clothed this episode, so hooray for small miracles. Plus we test the bonds of women friendships in the face of crazy. So let's hop into the grape vat and get to squashing!

Colt and Larissa
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Over on one side of Vegas Colt wakes up and heads downstairs. He tries to initiate some kind of sexual innuendo/tension with Vanessa over toast of all things, but she remains stonefaced. Again, I must ask--why is she messing with this family of weirdos? She has to be a producer plant. They discuss Jess's arrival today, and Colt expresses hope that Jess will forgive him for his 10,000 secrets that he's planning to spring on her. Vanessa isn't so sure, but she tells him she doesn't plan to stick around for the fallout and will not be here when Jess arrives.

I don't know why Colt isn't going to pick Jess up from the airport--maybe he was traumatized by Larissa's demands for flowers the last time he picked someone up? Anyway, he decides the best place to confess his sins to Jess is in public, of course. He feels the best place to do this will be in...a cat cafe.

Jess arrives at the cat cafe, but doesn't seem impressed. She grabs a cat and sits down, and the cat can not get away fast enough. I can not blame the poor kitty, because while Colt was hoping to ease Jess into the news that he's been talking to other women, Jess showed up to the cat cafe like CVS, in that she's spittin' out receipts. She has screenshots from 8 women who contacted her to let Jess know that Colt was not only sliding into their DMs but he's been sending them dick pics as well. "Good morning...dick pic! What's for lunch...dick pic! Good night...dick pic!" Jess rages, and I wonder if the owners of this poor cat cafe, who are just trying to sling some coffee and find some homes for homeless cats, knew that the added exposure their cats would receive by being on national TV would also mean they'd have a woman sitting inside loudly talking about dick pics while waving her phone around. Someone cover the ears of the poor innocent kitties! Outside, Colt admits he did send pics of his very little Coltee around, and he feels ashamed. Ladies, I think it's time we establish a national set of guidelines on dick pics....something like "The requirements to send unsolicited dick pics are: Are you one of the Hollywood Chrises not named Chris Pratt? Send away. Everyone else, no."

Colt says a phrase probably uttered once a day by men somewhere across all 50 states: "I gotta get out of this cat cafe." He tells Jess he doesn't want to argue in public (even though he was the one who chose this location) and he wants to go home to argue. But on the way there, he tells her he doesn't want to argue in front of his mother wife. So which is it? Argue in public or argue in front of Debs? Basically, he wants to tell her he messed up and have her not respond. Good luck with that. He tells the camera Jess is like a firecracker right now and he hopes Debbie being there will calm her down. When has being around Debbie ever calmed anyone down?

In the house, Debs sets out her finest grape and strawberry plate, and the three make awkward small talk about Debbie growing her hair out. Like Debbie's hair, the awkwardness grows as Jess picks up right where she left off at the cat cafe, scolding Colt for his lying abilities. Debs tries to excuse herself from the room, but Jess--in what I'm hoping is payback for the "You wanna see the pic Vanessa took of the cats" move by Debbie--thrusts her phone in Debs face and demands that she look at Colt's d-pics. Debs shrieks and speeds from the room, which is the appropriate reaction when faced with Colt's micropeen.

Colt half heartedly apologizes, and says he hasn't been a good boyfriend (even though in the car he was telling her he wasn't sure if they had a relationship or not.) Then decides this is a good time to drop bomb number two--Vanessa is shacking up in Bedroom Number Three. He just casually drops in in there, like "Oh, and BTW, Vanessa moved in a few weeks ago. Grapes, anyone?" Jess is shocked and all she can do is say "No."

Over on the other side of Vegas, Larissa, Ericee, and her friend Heather, who has an extensive background in injectibles, head to Larissa's plastic surgeon to talk about her new boobies. Maybe I need to re-examine my female friendships, because I never have felt the need to crash my friends' breast surgery consultations. In the car, the three discuss what benefits Eric will reap from Larissa's new boobs (none, not even the interest cause let's be real, she's defaulting on the first payment) and Eric says he wants her to get the largest implants they make. If you think that Larissa would be insulted by that....well, just wait.

In the doctor's office, Larissa describes her dream look to the surgeon--she wants to look like her epitome of beauty, which is a blow up doll. She wants super high, super tight, and super bolted on looking breasts. Even the surgeon is a bit taken aback by the fakeness of Larissa's dream boobies. He has her try on the largest size (800 ccs), and everyone except Eric agrees they are awful. They settle on the middle size (700 ccs) even though the doctor tells the camera he would have suggested 600 ccs. Next, they move on to her nose, which I think looks fine but the doctor acts as if she could pass for W.C. Fields with how large and bulbous her nose is. Watching this, I am suddenly paranoid. Is *my* nose bulbous? That happens when you get older and time is creeping up on me. I feel around at the end of my nose while the doctor pulls and shapes Larissa's nose into something else to show her how her life can be changed without this monstrosity on her face. I poke at my nose and try to picture myself with thin pinched nostrils. The doctor then outlines some of the surgery risks, which fly right over Larissa's head but allow Eric to work on showing the "concerned dramatic face" he worked on in acting class this week.

After their boobie consultation, Eric and Larissa head over to a lingerie shop to buy stuff for her new body. You'd think you'd wait until after your new boobies had settled into their size/shape to do this, but not Larissa! She is determined she will be a perfect DD when she leaves the hospital. Eric, still going over the risks the doctor laid out, asks if this is going to be the end of her surgery journey. Oh no, Larissa assures him. Like the Bionic Woman before her, this is the start of a total rebuild. She needs a tummy tuck, and her thighs lipo'd, and then that fat injected into her ass. Eric sees 1000 more "with interest" financing agreements coming his way, and he isn't too happy about it.

Paul and Karine

Things just appear to be getting worse and worse in the one room curtainless shack. Paul is away for the day, trying to figure out new and inventive ways to swindle Mother Paul out of money instead of just going to Kroger's and getting a job as a night stocker, so Karine is going to take this opportunity to see about her rights. She heads into town to meet with an immigration attorney, who luckily has a Portuguese translator. Karine explains that she hasn't been getting along with Paul, and that he has so far failed to meet her two month deadline on finding a job. She wants to know what the rules are as far as her traveling with Baby Pierre on her own. The attorney tells her that as a permanent resident in the US, she does have the right to travel back and forth to Brazil, but warns her that she could face backlash from Paul for taking the baby. The attorney says Paul could raise custody issues or take her to court. As she leaves, Karine tells the camera she would never stop Paul from seeing Baby Pierre, but if leaving and going home to Brazil is what is best for them, she will do it.

Later that night, Paul returns with something he thinks will make all of Karine's problems disappear. Plantains. So, you *were* at Kroger's, why didn't you put in an application, Paul??? Karine wonders the same thing and asks if he got a job today. Of course he didn't. She tells him about her trip to the immigration attorney, and Paul gets sort of scary, sort of fast. He demands to know how she got there, and says that if he had come home and she was gone, he would have freaked out. Something tells me this will be the last time the Uber app works on Karine's phone. Then he wants to know why she needed to see an immigration attorney. She says she just wants to know her rights, and he says she knows her rights because he told her what they are. She says she misses her family and would like to go back to Brazil to visit, and Paul flips his shit. He tells her that if she thinks she can just pick up and go to Brazil she's wrong, and Baby Pierre can not travel without him. He says he will take her to every court between here and Brazil, and prosecute her. She tells him to fuck off, and starts to cry, saying she just wants to go home and visit her family. Paul tries to hug her, but she wants no part of it, and you can see in her face when she just gives up and resigns herself to this life. Poor Karine. :(

Also adding to the uncomfortable creep factor in this scene is the fact that Paul has now moved up to replacing the pillow/sheet curtains plastic garbage bags over the windows. JFC, Paul curtains are like $10 at Walmart and you only have 2 windows.

Andrei and Libby

Andrei and Family Libby are heading out for a day of wine making in the Moldovan countryside. Of course, Jen is bitching the whole way, wanting to know if they'll have to drink this wine they make. Andrei and Libby inform her that today it's just grape juice, it takes months to become wine. Charlie resumes his Investigative Reports journalism into Andrei's background while they are all trapped on the bus, stating that it seems there are lots of beautiful women here, so did Andrei date and if so why did he need to find an American woman? Oh, nice, way to say that your sister is only good enough for men with no access to beautiful women when she's sitting right there, Chucklehead. Jen chimes in and asks if the Moldovan women have attitude problems like bottle blonde Karens from Tampa Russian women. Andrei asks if she means they have attitudes like Jen, then yes. And also takes the opportunity to remind Jen that she once thought China and Japan were the same place. What's going on with schools in Tampa??

They arrive at the small wine-making farm, and OMG BABY DONKEY! They are greeted by a cute little donkey! I love little donkeys. Have you ever watched Tiny Tim on Youtube? He is a tiny cute miniature donkey who lives in a house and likes to arrange pillows. Anyway, I would much rather watch the adventures of this tiny winery donkey than Family Libby, but we don't get that lucky. They head over to the wine making devices of times past, and Family Libby express skepticism at every stage of the old fashioned wine making process, even though Father Andrei confirms that yes, as a child, this is how the family would make wine. Family Libby wants to stomp on grapes like in the movies, so they move on to a vat and each family member takes turns stomping grapes. Even Andrei and Charlie go in together to "squash it out" as the family chants. Overall the trip is a fun day, but I did want to see Chuck and Charlie and Jen fall like Big Ed at the pig farm. The baby donkey comes back and brays at the family to GTFO.

The next day, Budget Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew Mysteries resumes, as Jen, Charlie, and Chuck corner Andrei's friend Marcel about Andrei's past. They want to know why Andrei quit being a cop. Marcel hems and haws, and finally explains that in Moldova "When you start dancing, you dance 'til the end." Basically corruption in the police department forced Andrei out--I'm not sure if this means Andrei *did* take part or didn't. Family Libby is stunned that cops can be corrupt, and say they don't believe this story or that someone's own government would force them to leave their own country. What the fuck version of the US have Family Libby been living in for the past four years, because I want to go to there. Marcel says Andrei doesn't like talking about this part of his past, and if they want more information they need to just ask him. *sigh* I'm really getting tired of this low budget faux-Serpico storyline. Can we just get back to Andrei's $25,000 dream Modolvan wedding?

Michael and Angela

The wedding is back on...for today. In preparation, Angela and Michael are going to visit a flower shop and pick out Angela's bouquet, which is the third most important thing after the cake and the dress. The groom? Eh, that part's not important. Anyway, in the flower shop, Angela says she wants a bouquet with flowers to represent her family members who can't be there. She wants flowers for all their birthstone colors in there...but luckily, several of them share birth months, so we're just talking three colors. The colors don't really go together, but Angela doesn't care. She starts crying as she talks to the florist about her family members, and both the florist and Michael comfort her. She decides to go big or go home, and orders the largest bouquet. Michael balks at this, as they have a budget to respect, but she says they can just cut from the food and guest list budget. Oh no! If years of watching Four Weddings has taught me anything, you DO NOT cut your food budget. In fact, if anything, you need to allocate 150% of your total wedding budget to the food budget because nobody is here for your bland room temperature chicken! Angela insists the flowers are important because they represent her family. Michael agrees to buy the larger bouquet. He says it's because he wants to see her happy...and also because he probably doesn't want to see himself getting yelled at in front of the florist.

Next, after a quick stop back at the apartment so Angela can stuff her Bra of Holding with more items, the duo heads to the airport to pick up Angela's BFF JoJo, who will be serving as her maid of honor. On the way, Angela calls her oldest granddaughter, who is sad to miss the wedding. Angela describes the birthstone bouquet and tells the camera that if they had been able to marry in America, Angela had roles for all of her grandchildren, and the oldest would be her "matron of honor". Seeing as the oldest sounds about 10 years old, I hope she isn't married yet, since that would be a requirement of being a matron of honor!

At the airport, Angela squeals and rushes to hug JoJo, finally thrilled to have someone on her side in Nigeria. JoJo greets them with hugs, and tells them she loves Nigeria so far. Of course, all she's seen is the airport, but still--after Family Libby trashing Moldova from the second they hit the tarmac, it's nice to see an American who knows how to be gracious to someone who has invited them to their country. Waving tiny Nigerian and American flags, Angela and JoJo skip away, leaving Michael to handle the luggage.

The next night, the group heads out to Angela and Michael's joint bachelor/bachelorette party (cause you know Angela was *not* gonna let the Goofballs take Michael out alone!) Angela and Michael don their classiest party getups (a bride to be crown and sash for her, a penis crown for Michael) and they head to the club. Angela becomes self conscious because all of the half naked booty poppin' going on, and Michael makes the mistake of opening his eyes a sliver when his head is pointed in the direction of a girl on all fours twerking nearby. "Oh hell no!" Angela roars. She grabs JoJo and stomps out of the club, yelling to the camera that she did not come here to watch Michael watch other women's lady parts when he hasn't given her lady parts the business more than once since she's been here. "Take it or like it, I don't care!" she yells.

Michael follows them out, trying to explain that he had to blink, but Angela won't hear any of it. They all climb in the Uber, and Angela rants about how she can not marry a man who would do that right in front of her. She lights a cigarette, and JoJo tries to stay stonefaced as she panics that she flew halfway across the world to indulge in this level of crazy. So anyway, I guess the wedding is off, again.

Kalani and Asuelu

Inside a hotel room, Kalani starts packing up her stuff. Apparently, TLC tells us, after Asuelu and Kalani's disagreement as to if she could in fact knock out Tammy, Asuelu came out in the living room and overheard Kalani and her sister Kolini talking about Asuelu and his greedy family. This led to a huge argument and as usual, Asuelu stomped off to catch a bus, this time to his mother and sister's house. Yes, the same mother and sister who just hours earlier said they didn't care about his kids they just wanted money, and threatened to beat up his wife. So, Asuelu stays making good choices, I see. So Kolini took her flight back to California, and Kalani delayed her flight by a day and checked herself and the kids into a hotel.

Kalani Facetime's with her mom on Baby Oliver's tablet. Mother Kalani is not happy with Asuelu's behavior, but tells Kalani that even she and her father had marriage issues and they still work on them to this day. Kalani wonders if the fact that her dad came over here as a kid has anything to do with him being more willing to listen to women. She says she wants to try going to a therapist with Asuelu. Mother Kalani agrees that would be a good idea, that they need to try to make things work for the kids before making any final decision, but for now to just focus on getting home and not trying to figure out everything at once. Kalani sadly tells the camera "If I was on the outside looking in, I would tell myself to be done." Kalani, we are on the outside looking in and we're also telling you that. She sadly says because of the kids, she feels she needs to stay in the marriage. I mean, as I've said before, I'm sure Low could make some people disappear, so I'm just saying there's no reason *both* of you have to be the one who stayed, *wink-wink*.

Kalani says she's leaving today, with or without Asuelu. However, Asuelu comes in, acting like nothing has happened. She tells the camera that Asuelu showed up at the hotel late last night, on his knees, with Valentines Day flowers and balloons, so she let him in. Clearly, he did not tell Mother Asuelu that he had money to spend on balloons and flowers. He wishes Kalani a Happy Valentines Day, and she lets him know that the fact that it's Valentines Day doesn't erase the problems they had on February 13th. She tells him she wants them to go to therapy when they get home, and he isn't so sure because he's never heard of therapy. He agrees, but also says he doesn't want to talk about what happened yesterday, so I'm not holding my breath that he'll be having any breakthrough's in therapy.

They load up the car and head to the airport. In the car, Kalani says this was the worst trip ever. Asuelu disagrees. So this conversation is going nowhere. Asuelu says he doesn't want to talk to her about it because he will just get mad again, and she realizes she's just never going to get through his thick head. At the airport, Kalani stuffs the flowers and balloons in a nearby trash can, grabs the kids in their wagon, and heads through a different door than Asuelu. She tells the camera that she's done. When the producer asks with what, she says "I'm grateful he showed up and he's going to help me get home, but other than that, I need a f**king break...I don't want to be married anymore."

And on that downer....

Next week: Family Libby confronts Andrei about his police corruption, and Libby claims to be shocked that Andrei has secrets; for reasons I can not figure out, Paul tries to sell Karine on America by taking her to "a poop water" facility; Asuelu asks Kalani about the state of their marriage and she tells him if things don't change with therapy they can't be married anymore; Colt claims to love Jess, but she cries to Debbie that he is a liar, and Debbie pretends to be sympathetic; Jess decides to meet with Larissa and wishes she'd listened to her the first time; Angela and Michael's wedding is allegedly finally here in that she puts on the dress, but she worries Michael will never be allowed into the US; and Tania returns to take on Hipster Stach and Andrew, both of whom openly hate her and take bets on how soon the divorce will be happening.

Tags: 90 day fiance, television - tlc
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