Welcome to another week, 90 Day Hamily! Did you watch the Darcey and Stacey spinoff? I fell asleep in the middle of it. But I didn't fall asleep in the middle of this episode, which saw all kinds of awkward running, half assed apologies, and the threat of multiple cancelled weddings, and more if buts and coconuts than you can shake a stick at! Let's go!
Elizabeth and Andrei
I hate everyone involved in this stupid storyline, let me say that right off the bat. The morning after the restaurant fight, Andrei and Libby take a walk and hash out what happened. "I've never seen you act like that, so enraged" Libby says, and Andrei tries to blame it on the alcohol, but Libby isn't buying it. She wants Andrei to apologize to her father and brother, and says she's not even sure if she wants her mother and Karen #3 (the babyless one) to come over now. Look, I get Andrei was acting like a turd, but Libby's inability to acknowledge that her family was instigating this is starting to infuriate me, so I can imagine how Andrei feels. There's definitely a difference between asking questions because you're curious about someone as a person, and asking questions because you are hoping to uncover some deep dark secret that you're hoping to hold over their head forever. Family Libby was doing the latter, and I wish Andrei's friends/family were more social media savvy so maybe they could have turned that around and started asking Family Libby about their multiple arrest records and shady business dealings, but alas that hasn't happened. Maybe someone will bring it up during the reunion show. Anyway, Andrei says he does regret speaking to Libby's father Chuck so disrespectfully, but her brother Charlie can shove it. He says he doesn't want to apologize to Charlie. Libby says he if doesn't apologize, they can't go through with this wedding. He says that he will think about apologizing if Libby can mediate beforehand. She complains about being put in the middle, but Andrei tells her he feels if he just shows up at their home, things will escalate and get out of hand, and he also doesn't want to apologize until Charlie is willing to apologize.
Chuck and Charlie tell the camera about how when they first arrived in Moldova, they thought it was all a ghetto because apparently they think Andrei's family lives in the projects. But then they saw their Air BNB, which would have fit right in with the finest Tampa has to offer, and they thought Andrei's family definitely were poor and living in the projects. These classist assholes. Anyway, Libby shows up and once again while she tries for a nanosecond to let them know they also share blame, she quickly backs down and tells them Andrei wants to apologize, and sent her over there to smooth the way to make that happen. Chuck isn't impressed at Andrei sending his wife, and proclaims that if he doesn't get the apology he wants, he will be taking his checkbook and leaving Moldova. He tells Libby he won't attend the wedding, and he won't walk her down the aisle if it comes to that. He also says he doesn't like seeing the real Andrei, and Charlie complains that they sacrificed so much to come over here to see Andrei get married and he doesn't even appreciate it. Hey asswipes, you came over here to see your sister/daughter get married, not Andrei. Way to say to her face you didn't really care about seeing her get married, you're just here to get one over on the son/brother in law you don't like. They also think Andrei is controlling his friends, and stopping his friends from dishing the dirt on Andrei and who does that? Again, let's ask Family Libby about their arrest record and see if they want their friends spilling the deets!
Later, Chuck and Charlie meet up with Andrei at some military museum. Charlie tuts to the camera that he wasn't afraid of Andrei and he can take him, and I fall off the couch laughing. Andrei walks up to them and is basically like "I'm sorry, we OK now?" and Chuck isn't satisfied. He tells Andrei he thinks his apology isn't sincere, and he's only here to salvage his relationship with Chuck's checkbook (which is probably true.) Andrei says he is doing this for Libby, because it's her wedding and he wants her to have happy feelings about it, not upset feelings. Again, Chuck and Charlie don't think this is a good enough apology. Apparently, they want Andrei crawling on his knees, and proclaiming Moldova sucks and Tampa is number one. Andrei tries to say they all share in the blame for what happened, but Chuck and Charlie refuse to accept any blame. They also refuse to fully accept Andrei's apology until he proves himself to them over the next few days. These assholes, I swear.
Paul and Karine
Like anyone would when forced to live in a one room house with Paul, Karine has taken to locking herself in the bathroom for hours in order to escape Paul's general...Paulness. This is only aggravated by the fact that Paul is the type who, if you tell him you need some space/alone time, would agree to give it to you, then immediately start hovering and badgering you like an annoying gnat. Which is exactly what he does, knocking on the bathroom door every two seconds and asking if she's OK. Dude, unless you hear crying or active vomiting, assume she's OK and just leave her be! Mother Paul is coming over to visit, and Paul is upset because he can't get Karine to leave the bathroom. She finally does as Mother Paul arrives, and she does greet Mother Paul with a hug, telling her she's having a bad day and it's not because of Mother Paul. Mother Paul offers some rice and beans she picked up for Karine, but she doesn't want them right now. Karine walks off down the trailer park road to get some space, while Paul chases after her babbling about the rice and beans. Back off, weirdo!
At the house, Mother Paul asks what's wrong, and Paul says she's just having another mood swing. Mother Paul is too smart to buy that, and points out Karine said it wasn't Mother Paul's visit causing the problem, therefore as expected, Paul is causing the problem. Mother Paul decides to go after Karine to see if she will talk to her, but Karine waves her off and says she doesn't want to talk and Mother Paul returns to the house because unlike her son, she can take a hint.
Paul asks if Mother Paul will watch Baby Pierre (who is snoozing unattended in the middle of the bed, like at least buy him a collapsible Pack and Play if room is an issue instead of leaving him on the bed where he can roll off!) while he goes to see what's up with Karine (despite her saying multiple times she wants Paul to leave her alone right now) and does his awkward corncob up the butthole run after her. Seriously, it's the weirdest run, it's like he's clenching his buttcheeks/back of his upper thighs together while trying to run. I mean...you just have to see it to realize it's ridiculousness:
Anyway, Paul shuffles down to the picnic table/grill area of the trailer park, where Karine is sitting there messing with her phone. When she doesn't immediately start talking, Paul is all "It's too hot for this" and heads back home, where Mother Paul yells at him for letting in even more flies than are already in the house. Then, in the recurring theme of the season, she tells Paul to get his shit together and get a job before heading home.
Syngin and Tania
We finally get to see Syngin's actual personality without Tania sucking the life force out of him, as he heads to a bar to meet his buddies Andrew and...I didn't catch the other guy's name because I was too busy Oh no-ing his Hitler-esque haircut paired with a Brooklyn hipster mustache. The three friends greet each other with enthusiastic yelling, and then the two begin good naturedly roasting Syngin on his now 30lb weight gain. "America, land of the best fried food!" Synguin proclaims and yeah, that probably should be the motto that's printed on our money. Syngin also reminds them that having this type of belly used to be the sign of a prosperous man. The friends get down to the real business at hand--drinking! It's giant beers and Jagerbombs all around! Once they come up for air, Andrew cuts to the chase--why the hell is he with Tania? See, when Syngin first met Tania in a bar, he brought her back to his place...where he was rooming with Andrew and Hipster Stache. And Tania just moved on in, much to the dismay of both roommates. "So, she stayed for a couple of weeks?" the producer asks Andrew. "No, she stayed for TWO MONTHS!" Andrew clarifies, making it absolutely clear that he can't stand Tania, because she moved in and immediately began policing their behavior in the house.
Syngin admits that in the beginning, he was in the lust bubble because the sex was super good. "I know, I was there" Hipster Stache complains, so he must have had the bedroom next to Syngin. Andrew wants to know what it's like being married to Tania, and Syngin doesn't answer "Infuriating!" which was the answer I was yelling from the laundry room while swapping out loads of laundry. Andrew really just wants to know--is Syngin happy? Syngin is silent for a moment, and says he could be happier. He also floats the idea of moving back to South Africa, because he misses home that much, and wonders if he and Tania rushed into marriage...that if they hadn't had the 90 day deadline, would they be married now? And of course, I want to remind him they really only had 60 days, thanks to Tania's 30 day essential oil class in Costa Rica. Syngin isn't sure what to do--it's a lot of if, buts, and coconuts as far as he's concerned. I'm stealing that phrase Syngin, and will be using it daily.
Michael and Angela
Michael continues his fruitless efforts to stop Angela from smoking by trying to take the unlit cigarette out of her mouth in the car. His effort, as expected, fails. Today's Angela peeve is they are having to go to pre-marriage counseling. She complains they don't have to do this in America, which is incorrect because I know plenty of people who had to go through pre-marriage counseling before they could get married at a specific church. Michael assures her this isn't a religious or cultural thing, but an administrative thing so they can get their marriage license. He begs Angela to stay cool and not get mad, and also not to talk about sex with the counselors. Angela tells him she's fine talking about the handcuffs and penis warmer she brought for him from America. I know way too much about Angela's sex toy collection from this show, I swear.
The two counselors ask how the couple met, and Michael recounts the story of being drawn to her facebook page. The counselors are a bit concerned with Angela's previous marriage, but she explains she was only 17, and while she was in the throws of young/first love, after a few years she realized what her husband was showing her wasn't real love and they divorced. The counselors explain that Nigeria recognizes three forms of marriage: traditional, which allows more than one wife ("We're not doing that" Angela informs them), Islamic which also allows more than one wife ("Nope!") and finally a legal marriage which is one man, one woman. That's the one Angela wants, and she confirms that even though they will be living apart, Michael is not allowed any side chicks (yes, Angela asked about it using that term.) The counselors explain that if she's keeping her man satisfied sexually (please don't give her an opening to talk about her penis warmer!) and has dinner on the table and generally is being submissive, he'll have no reason to stray. Angela just sighs and tells the camera she's about had it up to here with this submissive talk from Nigeria. She explains to the camera that she's always been 100% clear with Michael, maybe even to the point of being bossy and controlling, about the fact that she won't bow down to any man. The counselors approve their application, although they tell the camera that all men like to be on top of the household and if that doesn't happen their marriage won't work. As they leave, Angela confirms with Michael that the submissive talk was BS, and that's not how it will be. He says he knows.
Later, they go to dinner with Cool Aunt Lydia to talk wedding plans. Angela admits she's a little sad about the wedding because her family can't be there and her mother isn't doing well, but she wants to honor her mother's wishes by coming here to get married. Lydia is pleased to hear that Angela's family supports the marriage and want to welcome Michael to their family. Lydia asks about the counseling session, and Angela starts talking about the idea of being submissive and how it doesn't fly in the USA. "Thank God we'll be living in America", she says. Michael and Lydia say wait a minute, living in America doesn't mean Michael's culture will go away, and being Nigerian will still have to be a part of their marriage. Angela says she understands that, but it doesn't mean she will be submissive, and then asks Michael why he's telling a completely different story to his aunt. She feels he's been feeding lies to one of them--that he's telling his family what they want to hear and telling her what she wants to hear. Well, duh! Just like you're telling them what they want to hear about toting a baby! Anyway, she excuses herself from the table to use the ladies room, and once she's gone, Michael tries to assure his Aunt Lydia that Angela will change. Angela hears the tail end of this conversation and is like "Hell no I won't!" They argue back and forth, and I think maybe Michael just means Angela can make dinner once in a while with the Nigerian food he likes, but Angela seems to think he means she has to wait on him 24/7 hand and foot. Angela begins screaming at Michael and when he tries to calm her down she admonishes him to not raise his voice at her in front of his aunt, even though she's the one who is louder than a herd of elephants. After seeing how Angela talks to Michael, Lydia says she doesn't think she can support the marriage. Well, that's it then, Angela is "DONE!" She says the wedding is off, and she's heading home, leaving Michael and Lydia to sit there stunned. Angela stomps off into the night in search of an Uber, her bra stuffed with everything she brought with her (including two packs of cigs.) Please Angela, let me buy you a tote bag.
Colt and Larissa
In Vegas, Larissa and Ericee talk over breakfast....they are more calmly rehashing their argument about if sex was bad/dragging up old exes, but I'm more concerned that Eric appears to be maybe making scrambled eggs in a saucepan instead of a frying pan. They both apologize for their blowup, and Eric says he wants her to stay in the apartment with him. He tells the camera he doesn't think he'll be able to find anyone as fascinating as Larissa and he knows she has a good heart. She is concerned about roommate David's threat to call the cops, and maybe doesn't feel comfortable staying in a home where that can happen. Eric assures her that the cops will never be called, and that David will stay out of their business from now on. Larissa decides she wants to stay, and tells the camera that Eric is growing because he apologized, and he has a good heart. She tells Eric the cops should be called...because he's stolen her heart. They kiss (but it was like a peck on the lips) and hug, making up.
Later, Larissa heads out to meet with her attorney, Adam, where she gets the good news that her domestic violence case has been reduced down, and the case is closed. She is relieved to be fully free from Colt and Debbie, but she worries that since immigration can still see the cases, it could affect her ability to get a green card. Adam advises that she continue to stay out of trouble, and if she sees any triggers in her relationship with Eric that look like the red flags from the Colt relationship to get out immediately. Larissa looks worried, cause those flags are already waving.
Over in Brazil, Colt tells us that Jess showed up shouting in Portugese at 3am at his hotel room with a guy. Unfortunately, the guy was security and not some hot Brazilian version of Chris Evans so Colt can feel inadequate. Colt was so terrorized, he went and got a new hotel room instead of waking up his mother wife to sleep in her room. The next day (after we have to see him waking up in undies so tiny they might as well not have been there from the view we got...blech) Colt wanders back up to the room to talk to Jess. She's calmer, and while he tries to gaslight her, she sees right through it and tells him he did lie about talking to Vanessa. She says if he had explained from the beginning that she was there on Debbie's request not his, she would have been more calm, but IDK about that. Colt says she was acting like Larissa, and he doesn't want that. She agrees she was out of control because she was so angry, but he knows she's not normally like that. She does tell him that she wants him to man up and stand on his own, and not let Debbie influence him. He says he hasn't told her about the fight, so he's not sharing everything with Debbie. They decide to make up, and Colt asks if Jess would like to come to the airport with them to see him and his mother wife off. She would.
I swear, I wish I had a loop of Debbie's face when she saw Colt and Jess walking down into the lobby together with their luggage. Her expression was one of a little kid who has just been told Santa isn't real and their puppy has run away. It was glorious, I want to show it every Christmas instead of It's A Wonderful Life. They all get into a cab, and Colt and Jess chat about missing each other once they leave Brazil. Debbie can't take it anymore and brays loudly from the backseat that they need to talk about last night. Jess says she was just upset about Colt lying, but Debbie says he wasn't. Jess says he was, and that was it. Debbie complains Jess called her a bitch, and Jess said she was calling Vanessa that, not Debbie. Colt says maybe she can meet Vanessa when she comes to Vegas, but Jess shuts that idea down right quick. In the airport, Jess and Colt as Debbie for some privacy to say goodbye, and Debbie glares at them in the background as they kiss, muttering "Don't propose, don't propose" at them. Colt doesn't propose, but he does invite Jess to Vegas to meet his cats.
Kalani and Asuelu
The day after the awkward food truck dinner that ended up not being The Best of the Best, Asuelu heads alone to his mother's house to meet up with his family. He's brought their gifts, and TBH after their behavior the night before, I would have brought the gifts and set fire to the whole pile of presents right there in the driveway Angela Basset in Waiting to Exhale style, but Asuelu is still hoping to buy his family's love. They greet him warmly but it feels super fake because they want cash obviously. "Are you still mad at us?" they ask. He hands out the gifts of sarongs and corned beef, and they are happy. They ask where Kalani is, and he says he wanted to come alone. You can practically see his family licking their chops like wolves who have a baby deer cornered in the woods, hoping that without the evil Kalani they can manipulate Asuelu into giving up his hard earned yogurt sample passing out fortune. Asuelu says that he wants their family to be close, like Kalani's family, and not just because of money. They say they don't want Kalani's money (although they kind of do, since a:they said Kalani's family could use their money take care of Kalani and the kids instead of Asuelu's money, and b:Tammy tells the camera she was concerned about Asuelu marrying an American but then thought if he married an American, the American would send them more money. So yeah...ya do want her money, ya greedy asses!) Asuelu says his money is Kalani's money and vice versa. They blame Kalani for him not being a good Samoan son, and Tammy even goes so far as to say that if he hadn't gotten her pregnant, he wouldn't even be with Kalani so he shouldn't be letting her control him. Asuelu finally becomes sort of the man Low wants him to be, and gets up, gathers his stuff, and leaves when they will not stop trashing Kalani. "Oh, please no don't go" his family wails...although they don't even bother getting up off the couch while doing so. Outside, he tells the camera he loves Kalani, he loves his family, but he doesn't know if he can have both because his sister hates Kalani so much.
The next day, Asuelu and Kalani take the kids to a nearby goat farm where kids are not allowed to chase around a huge field after the goats. Asuelu hasn't told Kalani anything about his visit with his family, but she noted he seemed down. His mother is meeting them at the goat farm. Mother Asuelu shows up, and they again try to explain to her they can't give money they don't have. She claims if her son was a real Samoan man, he'd work hard and have enough for everyone. Does this woman think jobs and money grow on trees in America? She didn't just get here yesterday, she's been here for a while. Asuelu notes in Samoa, it's cheaper--you can grow your own taro to eat, and live in your own house and get by without much money, but in America you can't really do that. He says if they give Mother Asuelu the cash payout she wants, they won't be able to pay their bills. He points to a homeless camp at the end of the sheep field. "That is what happens to people when they can't pay bills" he tells her. He starts crying and tells her if he gives his mother the money she wants, his kids will die. Well...that was a little dramatic, Asuelu, Kalani's family wouldn't let that happen. He is crying, and his mom is all "Too bad, so sad, you know your mom and dad's love has a price tag so pay up." Kalani can't believe that she can sit there, watching her son cry, and still have the nerve to demand a handout. "This bitch is crazy!" Kalani tells the camera. Kalani tells Mother Asuelu once again that she can shit in one hand and wish for this money in the other and see which one fills up first...only she tells her nicer than I would.
Next week: Angela tells Michael to pack his stuff and GTFO; Tania--whose life goal is to become a witch doctor in Connecticut--argues with Syngin and cries in front of his family because she says Syngin has no real career direction; Colt invites Jess to Vegas again; Larissa asks Eric to prove his love by paying for her breast implants; the rest of Libby's lovely family arrive in Moldova; and Kalani and Tammy might come to blows!
Source 1, Source 2