Well, the day our eyes have been dreading has finally arrived, 90 Day Hamily. We all saw it, it happened right there in front of our salads, and life will probably never be the same. All we can do is rip off the Band-Aid, hope the wound of our collective trauma scabs over and heals, and move on. So let's get to ripping.
Paul and Karine
Thanks to someone moving out of the trailer park of horrors, Paul has managed to secure housing in the park that does not require a license plate from the DMV and has not served as witness to the births of countless numbers of raccoons and possums. A studio home has become available, and despite having no job or income, Paul has jumped on the chance to live in a single room with his wife, baby, and his two large dogs that he's springing from the boarding facility they've been at for the last year. Luckily, the home seems to come with some kind of shed with a large dog run/kennel attached to it, so the dogs can stay in there and so can Paul when he needs a place to run and hide. It seems fancier than the dog house he hid out in over in Brazil, so just like the Jeffersons, he too is moving on up! I hope he doesn't just leave the dogs in that kennel run 24/7 though. Something tells me Paul isn't the most responsible dog parent.
The home is small--one room and a bathroom--but it's OK. It has a little kitchen area, and a separate bathroom. It's not fancy but it's livable. Paul cleans out the musty fridge, and incorrectly installs a window AC unit (I mean, he just kind of sets it in the window sill, and I'm pretty sure there are some kind of brackets you have to screw into the window to secure it.) He brings Karine and Baby Pierre to the home, and Karine is satisfied with the place. Of course, after viewing their two other options, this place looks like the Ritz. She points out that Paul has forgotten curtains for the home, and Paul uses the time honored white trash version of curtains by hanging a sheet over the door's window. He only has one extra sheet, so for the windows by the bed he props up bed pillows in the windows. They could have just filled the window with Karine's stuffed animals. Anyway, Paul says it's a temporary fix, but I bet he's still using pillows for curtains.
Kalani and Asuelu
Kalani takes all three of her kids--Oliver, Kennedy, and Asuelu--to the park for some playground time. While pushing the kids on the swings, Asuelu offers up a half assed apology to Kalani for his tantrums during Oliver's birthday weekend. He looks around nervously, because let's be real, Low is probably hiding somewhere watching this interaction. After an awkward hug where they try to touch each other as little as possible, Asuelu tells Kalani he misses his family, and since they can't go to Samoa he would like her and the kids to go with him to visit his siblings and mom in Washington State. WTF? He was throwing a hissy bitch fit about not being able to visit his family during a measles outbreak when he has family a few hours away in the US?? Apparently he has half siblings (same mom, different dad) who were born in American Samoa, so they don't need a Visa to come live in the US, and his mom is over there now too. Kalani agrees to go, but says she doesn't want Asuelu throwing her under the bus with his family while they visit. Asuelu learned all about buses in Cali, and assures her he won't, and as a matter of fact he wants her to be his bus driver. I'm starting to think Asuelu has some bus driver kink, and if he starts doing a strip tease to The Wheels on the Bus, I am out of here!
That night, Kalani and Asuelu Skype with his mom and half sister. His mom is a hoot and a half. She goes off on a rant about how in the US she's just eating and sleeping while waiting to die. She tells Asuelu going to Samoa during a measles out break would have been dumb. She says she's praying every night that her kids find love, and she starts raising the roof and testifying right there on Skype like she's got the spirit of the Holy Ghost. His half sister, who has the most severe case of RBF I've ever seen, just sits there. Asuelu tells them he and Kalani want to bring the kids to visit. His half sister and mom start channeling Jerry Maguire, and ask to be shown the money. She needs $1000 cash money right now, or she will not be able to go on! Half Sister starts the making it rain hand motion, indicating Asuelu needs to bring a monsoon of money their way. Mother Asuelu better start praying her son gets a better job than non Costco yogurt sample passer outer then! Asuelu says he will try, but he only has $500 and he has kids to feed and diaper and a car to repair, even though Half Sister Asuelu says he better sell that car and use the money on them instead. He doesn't hesitate to throw his bus driver under the wheels of the bus, saying he will try to get the money but Kalani probably won't want to send them $1000. They all wave goodbye, but Kalani is pissed that once again Asuelu is making her out to be the bad guy to his family.
Michael and Angela
Mother Michael and his aunt are coming over for dinner, so Michael and Angela are headed to the market to pick up some food. Angela rants repeatedly that she is not a Nigerian woman, so she will not be cooking! She says when they come to her apartment, it's like being in the US of A where she will not be cooking! I wasn't aware that the US banned women from cooking. They argue over whose apartment it is, with Angela insisting it's hers and Michael insisting it's theirs. "Pay for it then!" Angela demands, shutting down that argument. I think he pays for it every day, Angela, just not with money but with his soul.
They arrive at a open air market, and Angela knows this isn't going to go well. They look over some oil for frying plantains, and get some rice and tomatoes. Michael insists they need goat meat, and Angela refuses. They walk through the meat market, Angela gagging all the way. I can relate. When I was little, I lived in the South, and there was (well still is) this grocery store chain called Winn Dixie. Their tag was "Home of The Beef People", I think because each store has an in house butcher who hand cuts fresh meat. Anyway, one day my mom and I walked into the store, and you know how when it's hot outside and then when you walk through the automatic doors of a store and get that woosh of cooler air in your face? Well, that happened and it smelled so badly of blood from the meat at the counter that I threw up all over the entrance to Winn Dixie. So Angela, I feel you. Angela and Michael walk past a couple of goat heads and Angela loses it. She shoves Michael out of the way, and runs to the car. She starts throwing up and declaring she has caught malaria from the market. I thought you catch malaria from mosquitoes, not goat heads sitting on a table looking at you. Angela says they will order pizza and Mother Michael will just have to live with it. "I'm not Nigerian and you can't make me be!" Angela says.
That night, Michael is frying up some plantains when Mother Michael and his aunt arrive. This is going to be a weird ass meal--pizza, fried plantains, rice, and tomatoes. After arguing over who should answer the door, Angela lets their guests in, who are surprised to see Michael cooking. Angela excuses herself to use the restroom, and Michael's relatives ask him why he's cooking, because in Nigeria only certain men cook. He says when they get to the US, Angela will be going to work so if he wants to eat, he will have to cook anyway, so he's starting now. Angela returns, and Mother Michael says she can't eat just rice without the stew and they don't eat fried plantains. Angela says it's a good thing she got a backup, and presents them with the pizza. Mother Michael looks unsure at first, but she likes it. Angela stops eating the pizza with a fork and shows Mother Michael how to fold the pizza and eat it with her hands. Mother Michael is eager to try eating pizza this way and joins in. Crisis averted...at least until Aunt Michael brings up when they plan to start their family....
Elizabeth and Andrei
Libby's father and brother arrive in Moldova, and her mother and sister are arriving a few days later. They are...unimpressed. "It's no Tampa" proclaims her brother. Of course, these two would think Tampa of all places is the height of cultural experience. They are also upset because something has happened to their luggage. They also snit that Moldova seems to have more outgoing flights than incoming, and that the airport is tiny and outdated.
On the ride back to Family Andrei's home, Libby's dad and brother grill Andrei wanting to know how the stop lights work, if Amazon delivers there, do they have salads in Moldova, where do the fresh fish at the supposed fish market come from, and do they have American barbeque? They ask about the police, and are stunned to find out you can bribe a cop to get out of a ticket. I'm pretty sure that happens in Tampa too. They are in disbelief that Andrei used to be a detective in Moldova, and spend the rest of the evening either trying to disprove his story, or find out some sordid reason why he left Moldova to move to Ireland.
At the Family Andrei home, Mother Andrei has laid out a huge spread of food for their guests, and surprisingly Libby's family is appreciative of the effort she has made, especially given their tiny kitchen. They also seem to have no qualms about the food, so Libby's wedding meal freakout last week might have been for nothing. Brother Andrei brings out some wine they have made, and invite Libby's family to visit some vineyard in their family to make some wine. Family Libby resume their investigation into Andrei's past. Andrei's brother confirms that yes, Andrei was a cop. They ask how much of a salary that paid, as I'm sure they think cops in a small Eastern European country are rolling in the dough. Andrei says it was about 200 Euros a month (so about $235 a month.) OK, so Libby's family crosses "good job with salary" off the list of reasons he should have stayed in Moldova. Andrei is upset at them digging into his past. Part of me thinks he is trolling them by being so evasive--they think Moldova is the scariest place on Earth, so he'll make them think he was mixed up in dangerous events and had to flee for his safety. Andrei jokes to them that he wasn't always at stay at home dad, and his sister in law chimes in asking why Libby's father hasn't helped Andrei with a job. LOLOLOL! Libby says her dad offered him multiple jobs, and Chuck confirms that Andrei let his pride get in the way and declined his offers of help. He asks if Moldova men agree with staying home and letting their wives work. Brother Andrei admits they find it weird. Andrei declares that this is what Libby asked him to do so they would have someone they trusted to take care of the baby. Libby says not forever, and she now wants him to get a job. They begin arguing about Libby changing her mind, while Family Andrei looks on, very uncomfortable. Andrei tries to say if she's so unhappy with him, why are they having a second wedding, and she cuts him off and says she's fine not having this wedding at all. Chuck is like "WHAT?" because they left Tampa when they didn't have to apparently. Andrei tells the camera that Libby is being totally unstable, and he doesn't know if it's hormones or she's just dumb but he has no idea what she wants from him. Umm, she was pretty clear--get a damn job!
Colt and Larissa
Larissa calls Eric to update him on her new status as a homeless person. He offers to let her come stay with him. There's no way this can go wrong. He insists she will have her own room, so they will be more like roommates. Umm...I thought that was one of the things she didn't like about their relationship the first time around? But she's desperate, so Eric comes over to help her move her stuff. Carmen hates him so much that he's not even allowed in the house even though she's not there! Eric thinks living together will help them work on their relationship together. Larissa thinks it could be the best mistake of her life. LOL!
Over at Eric's, we meet Eric's roommate David, who has either time traveled from 1999 to sell us weed, or is a undercovercop dressed like he's from 1999 to bust us for buying weed. Someone on reddit said he looks like an IRL Jeff Fischer from American Dad, and that's about accurate. Eric says David is cool, he's just into his video games. David seems hesitant about having this roommate who is a girl sprung on him at the last moment, but Larissa assures him that despite looking sexy, she is in fact a nerd who likes to play RPG games, and asks him to be nice because she can't get into trouble due to her domestic violence arrests. David asks her not to hit him, but says if she does he will just run away. To say this was awkward is an understatement. Eric shows Larissa her room, and she is disturbed by a ceramic porcupine figure that Eric says has to stay in the room. Since she has no bed, she'll stay in Eric's room for now, leaving the room to the porcupine. Larissa says she can see herself living with Eric in this house for a long time. Hope David is ready for that.
The honeymoon doesn't last long though--Larissa was snooping through Eric's phone and found texts from a woman he was texting during their breakup. She decides to call this woman up and find out what Eric said about her. It wasn't good. Unlike Jess who just hung up, this woman would *love* to tell her how Eric is shady, how he trashed Larissa to his family, how he told her he met with Colt post breakup to compare Larissa's oral skills, etc. Larissa is crushed that Eric would go behind her back like this, even though a) they were broken up, and b) she went through his phone. Eric comes back and Larissa decides to confront him about it. Better get Lawyer Adam on speed dial...
*Sigh* OK, I put it off as long as I could, but here we go...
So, Colt, Jess, and Colt's mother wife Debbie head over to Jess's family's house for dinner. Debbie is eager to meet Jess's family to learn all she can about Jess so she can figure out a way to dismiss her from Colt's life. Colt is concerned because his girlfriend and his mother wife aren't getting along. They arrive at the house, and it's a nice house, so there doesn't appear to be any money concerns that Debbie can claim Colt's being used for. Jess warns them her family is loud and crazy, then walks into the open air outdoor kitchen all "Woohoo everyone!!" Debbie tries to raise the roof as she enters and it looks ridiculous. Jess introduces them to various family members, some who do speak some English, and everyone greets them warmly with cheek kisses and hugs. Jess introduces Colt to her father, but since he doesn't speak English and Colt speaks no Portuguese, it's awkward. Father Jess is concerned, because Jess has never dated an American man, so he wants to see if Colt is just playing around or intends to marry her. Debbie introduces herself, then proclaims Father Jess to be weird because he greeted her with hug and a kiss on the cheek. Calm down Debbie, he's not interested in stealing you away from your son husband.
Jess has them try some grilled chicken hearts, and Colt and Debbie do eat them, although Debbie says she didn't like it. They sit down to a dinner of a bean and pork dish, which Debbie recognizes from the one time Larissa tried to have them eat something other than beef stew in the middle of a blazing hot summer. Jess announces to the table that Colt's ex was a Brazilian. Jess's father begins quizzing him on how long he was married (6 months), how long he was divorced before he met Jess (6 months) and what his intentions are toward Jess. Colt blurts out he wants to have a family with Jess, and Deb has to keep from passing out in her plate hearing Colt dismiss their cat family like that. Colt blabs on about how amazing Jess is, and how in love he is with her. Step Mother Jess says if they have a wedding, she wants it to be in Brazil at their home so she can see it. I feel like she was talking in terms of someday, but Debbie acts like they are planning the wedding for next week. She loudly asks if anyone else thinks they are moving too fast, and wants to know why they need to get married immediately. Jess says she feels like she has known Colt for years. Colt asks how long she knew his dad before they got married, and she says six months, but it was different because they lived together. Jess and Debs begin arguing about if Debbie is doing nothing except comparing Jess to Larissa. Jess starts listing off to her family all the things Deb does for Colt...which makes Colt look bad that he's an adult man whose mother still cooks and cleans for him so I'm not sure why she took that route. She tells Debs to Fuck off, and Debs is appalled. Everyone at this dinner is drunk off their ass BTW.
Father Jess, who met Debs all of an hour ago, tells us what we've all known for years--that Deb's is too possessive of her son-husband and hates any woman who might replace her. He says she is basically 'I want my son for myself and that's it.' He tells Jess he approves of Colt, that he's a good boy for her because he wants to marry her. Debs can't believe Jess's family isn't suspicious of their own daughter, and demands to leave and for Colt to come with her. He declines, and says he'll get a cab to take her back to the hotel. Debbie can't believe he's leaving her alone to stay with this family, but that's exactly what he does. Colt says tonight isn't about Debbie, it's about him getting to know Jess's family more, so he needs to stay. He puts Deb in a cab, and off she goes.
The next morning, Colt and his poof of sex and/or hungover hair, still wearing his clothes from last night, stumbles into Debbie's room. He says he doesn't remember a lot about what happened the night before. Debbie tells him Jess was rude and disrespectful and set off her Larissa based PTSD. She tells him he needs to start paying attention to the red flags she's seeing, because he isn't thinking straight. Considering he can barely stand up right now, I don't think he can think about anything. She asks him why he wants to get married, and he isn't sure if he wants to right away even though last night he was all gung ho about it. He says he's using this time to spend time with Jess to be sure.
Later that day, Jess and Colt take a walk along the beach. Jess shrieks that Colt makes her think about sex all the time. But she says it after this has happened, so I'm gonna need citation for that statement, because while I know looks aren't everything, THIS can not make you think about sex even for one second, much less all the time:
Look, I had to see it, and so do you. It's the only way we can heal together.
They slowly plod hand in hand down the beach, talking about the previous night. Colt says he loved meeting her family, but he's concerned that she's an angry drunk and was rude to Debbie. She rightfully defends herself saying Debbie keeps comparing her to Larissa, then calls Colt a baby man. He calls her a daddy's girl, so this relationship is off to a great start. She says the difference is he doesn't live with her dad, and he says if her dad was sick and disabled, she'd want him to live with her, so she can't judge him for living with Debbie. Umm, when did Debbie become sick and disabled and in need of 24/7 care?? They agree they need to stick it out to show everyone they are in love and not just in it for sex and green cards. The camera man spends way, way, way too much time getting us intimately introduced to Colt's left manboob during this entire segment. I consider filing a class action law suit against TLC for my pain and suffering, but they counter by threatening to include the Family Chantel in even more episodes of Pillow Talk, so I keep quiet.
Next week: Larissa has her dramatic confrontation with Eric and practically baits him into calling the cops on her, Syngin and Tania arrive back in South Africa and he says he wish he didn't have to leave much to Tania's dismay; Angela finally decides to tell Michael she might have cancer; Debbie steps up her game to sabotage Colt's relationship by mentioning she called Vanessa right in front of Jess; Asuelu and Kalani take a road trip to Washington and Asuelu thinks their screaming kids are annoying; Paul's mother tells him to quit being a deadbeat and get a damn job already; in true Tampa style, Libby's brother and father attempt to start a fistfight with Andrei in a restaurant.
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