Colt and Larissa
Larissa heads out to meet with her attorney, Adam, to check in with how her domestic violence case is going. They chit chat about her plans for the future, and because Larissa knows the answer to "What are you planning to do next" probably shouldn't be "Ride the wheels of this reality show trainwreck until they fall off the tracks!" she babbles some nonsense about wanting to be an immigration lawyer. LOL! I'm surprised Adam doesn't throw his law school degree in the trash at the thought of Larissa being awarded Juris Doctor degree. She jokes about being his assistant, and Adam is only laughing on the outside. Larissa tells the camera she probably wouldn't make a good attorney because she doesn't pay attention, and that Adam's wife probably wouldn't want her to be his assistant.
Adam asks about her relationship with Eric, seeing as he was the one who had to file the police report against him due to Larissa believing Eric was responsible for girls calling to tell her she has a "cheesy butt." She says they are seeing each other again, and he warns her of the dangers of getting involved in a volatile relationship at this time. "The hammer is going to come down on you, not him."
Larissa meets up with Eric for lunch, so they can rehash their old relationship and figure out how to make it more believable for the cameras this time around. Larissa lets Eric know that one of the biggest problems she had with their previous relationship is that he was too "cheapy". He asks her what he should be spending his money on, and she tells him it's time to let the money flow from his wallet straight into her boob job. No seriously, she straight up tells him to pay for her to get new breasts. This scene also shows there's a way to be sexy while eating french fries, and eating them with a fork isn't it.
There's one sticking point in this fauxmance for the cameras, and it's Larissa's roommate Carmen. Carmen doesn't like Eric, and Larissa predicts this will be a problem, since Carmen took her in when she had nobody, and also showed her how to cook Thanksgiving turkeys. For once, Larissa's intuition is correct, because when she tells Carmen she's rekindled her "romance" with Eric, Carmen calmly informs her that she's still Larissa's friend, but she needs to have her shit moved out by the end of the weekend. But Larissa vows to rise again. "I didn't come to America to be a homeless!"
Meanwhile, over in Brazil, Colt decided to get a separate room for himself and Jess so they don't have to try and have sex around his mother-wife's nap schedule. He and Jess go out to dinner, and the entire restaurant has to witness Jess reenacting what it would be like to have sex with Colt while Debbie watches. Gross. Colt tells the camera he's concerned because his mother wife appears to be treating Jess exactly how she treated Larissa. Jess demands to know why Debs came and is cramping her sex style. Colt admits his mother wife is overprotective, and Jess calls him a Baby Man. Meanwhile, I want to see Debs face when she hears her son-husband admit that he didn't want the burden of having to take care of Debs after his father's passing. Jess and Colt compare stories about losing a parent, and Jess agrees to give Debs another chance tomorrow, if only to see her get drunk with Jess's family since Colt assures her Debbie loves to drink. Then they go back to their room to have sex. Gross.
It's a new day in Brazil, and refreshed after her night of sleep, Debbie dons her best flannel plaid shirt and heads to breakfast. Colt wanders in, and we have to watch Debbie feed him guava from her fresh fruit plate while she harasses him about calling Vanessa to check on the cats. Colt seems unconcerned about their cat children, which Debbie isn't happy about. She thanks Colt for getting a separate room so she didn't have to listen to him have sex and instead could listen to the ocean waves. You can see all over her face that the idea of Colt having sex with someone infuriates her, when what she should be feeling is sorry for whoever has to have Colt flopping around on top of them. She says she doesn't want to know about what Colt did with Jess, and Colt brags that Jess is really loud while having sex. This whole convo is turning me off the idea of fresh fruit. Thanks guys.
Colt tells her he knows she was tired, but that's no excuse for her being an asshole to Jess. He asks her what she thinks of Jess, and Deb says she's only spent 10 minutes slamming doors in her face so it's too early to form an opinion....then immediately spouts forth with an opinion. She says she thinks Jess has an angle or trying to trap Colt into a green card marriage, and she's worried they are making plans by picking out the names of their future kids. To be fair, I think Colt and Jess were just joking around, especially with those names (Dominic and Katrina.) Colt tells her he loves Jess and he's known her a lot longer than Larissa (so...six days instead of five?) Deb scoffs at that and tells Colt to not ignore the warning signs this time around. Colt tells her to go down to the beach to take a walk with Jess and get to know her.
Debs and Jess sit in chairs by the beach and sort of fight over their man like two cats marking their territory by peeing on a bush. Debs again goes off about the children's names bit, and she is not letting that go any time soon because she thinks Colt only wants cat children. Jess replies that they have talked about it a lot. Debbie goes into interrogation mode and asks Jess about what she plans to do in six months when her Visa expires. Jess is non committal. She could come back to Brazil, maybe she and Colt will get married and she stays in the US. She basically says she can go either way, that she's not desperate to move to the US really. Debs asks about Colt moving to Brazil and Jess says that could happen too. Wrong answer! Debbie says that Colt has a history of people using him to get into the US and informs Jess that she and Colt are extremely close, so don't underestimate their bond or put him in a position to choose. She tries to frame it as they each could lose him, but implies Colt will be shipping Jess back to Brazil if forced to choose between his mother wife and his girlfriend. Jess tells the camera that she now believes Larissa that Debs is a mean old lady.
Andrei and Elizabeth
Andrei and Libby are going out to look at wedding venues. The first venue they go to is an old run down casino which Libby says is in a strip mall but to me it looked like it was surrounded by office buildings. Libby is unimpressed because the decor is outdated and tacky, and they can't try any of the food because the cooks are not there today. They look at pictures of the food, and Libby worries her family won't like any of it because they only eat American food. Andrei cordially invites them to go to the McDonalds around the corner if they don't like it. They argue over if people eat cheeseburgers or fried chicken at weddings--I watch a lot of Four Weddings so I'd say "Not regularly." This leads to a huge argument outside where Libby is trying to explain to the camera that by not being able to taste the food, she wouldn't be able to tell if it would be up to her family's standards, while Andrei keeps interrupting her then yelling at her to "Finish her thoughts!" After telling each other to shut up, Libby finally just walks away. I couldn't tell if this argument was so OTT that it was real (which is scary) or fake.
They head to a second venue, arguing in the car the whole way about who is the most patient, while Father Andrei looks on from the backseat like "WTF?" The second venue looks a bit better than the first one (I mean, it isn't located in the strip mall/office building complex) and has a disco lighted dance floor. They are able to to taste the food here, and Libby is pleased. She doesn't think her family will be jazzed about the "back of the pig's head" appetizers, but there is chicken and bread and potatoes, so they can find something they'd like. She is concerned about the cost, but Andrei pooh-poohs it off since her dad is paying. He tries to say it's like $5400 for everything, and I fall off my chair. It can't be that cheap. I don't think it is--Reddit says it's more like $21,000. Libby and Andrei dance around on the lighted dance floor while the wedding planner provides the music by standing there humming a tune.
Andrei and Libby and his super nice parents take a walk in a park, and take some pics of Baby Ellie with her grandparents. Libby is worried about letting Ellie sit on a swing and get exposed to germs, not because she had a premonition about Covid, but because the playground is old. She frets about what her family will think about Moldova being old and poor, and basically makes Parents Andrei, who have been nothing but kind and warm and accommodating, feel like shit for being from such an not American country. They try to think of some nice places to take Libby's family, but Andrei doesn't care about showing them around. Libby tries to explain about her family, but says she can't count on Andrei to translate things correctly or in the way she wants it to come across. Get a translator app then, Libs, like every other couple on these shows (but don't buy a junky one like Devan and Jihoon use on The Other Way or you might start a war accidentally.)
Anyway, before this wedding of the century can even happen, Libby has to be baptized in Andrei's church. She wisely decides to do this before her parents arrive to avoid that whole scene. Andrei, Libby, Brother Andrei, and Sister In Law Andrei drive to a church, where a dude who resembles Zach Galifnakis chants in Romanian and has Libby perform rituals like breathing, turning, and standing in water. Libby is pretty confused--she has to wear a head covering, she isn't allowed to wear makeup, has to wear all white, and has to wear house slippers. Andrei says he is proud of Libby for converting to his religion, but since she doesn't even know what's going on, I'm not sure she's exactly having a deep spiritual experience, and more like something they just have to get out of the way before the wedding. Also, I don't feel like Andrei was super religious back in the US, so I don't know where this "Religion is everything" attitude he has now is coming from.
Later at dinner, Brother Andrei and Sister In Law Andrei give Libby the 4-1-1 about her new religion, which is women need to listen to their man. Libby isn't down with that idea. Also, SIL Andrei is horrified that Libby isn't wearing the crucifix she got during the baptism, even tho SIL isn't wearing one either. We then get into the usual with this couple, which is how Andrei is the man of the house even as a stay at home dad, and Brother Andrei blames Libby's influence on why his brother is now Mr. Mom instead of Libby staying home to take care of the baby. SIL Andrei (who I am starting to not like, BTW) makes some joke about how the man is the head and the woman is the neck, so Libby hasn't been paying attention to instructions from the brain and is turning the wrong way. Libby lets it go, but says to the camera if Andrei doesn't drop this caveman act she's gonna put him in his place.
Kalani and Asuelu
Asuelu is pouting because after his Baby Man performance in Cali for Oliver's birthday, nobody wants to talk to him anymore. Boo-hoo. Low tells him to grab the dog, because they are all going for a walk. But not around the block...Low takes him to a remote desert park, on a bridge over a river, and asks him to explain himself. Asuelu tries to blame the language barrier, saying he wasn't talking about Kalani and her mom when he said all women's work is easy, and that sometimes when he has a thought it's in Samoan but he can't make it come out in English the right way. He says he also swore to Kalani, but doesn't get into specifics. Like dude, there's a difference between swearing and calling someone a lying bitch. Low tells the camera he understands that men from their country want to control their women, but that is not how it's gonna be here. He says the same to Asuelu....never raises his voice, but tells him he needs to apologize to Kalani. He also throws in that Asuelu needs to remember there are consequences to actions and if he forgets, someone will get hurt. He repeats that for emphasis, and the message is clear to everyone but Asuelu--mess up again, and Low is gonna throw you off of this bridge. If you didn't know before, now you know--Low is a straight up bad-ass. Like I could see a show where he's a bounty hunter and he convinces people to turn themselves in and go straight just by taking them to this bridge and making veiled threats without ever raising his voice.
Syngin and Tania
Syngin calls his brother back in South Africa and finds out he's been in the ICU for a blood clot and almost died, but maybe is fine now. Syngin is distraught, because he already was unable to be there for the death/funeral of his beloved Grandma due to the K1 visa (which now makes Tania leaving the country to take a stupid 30 day essential oils class that she can't even use to heal her toe even more privileged and infuriating) and if something had happened to his brother, he would lose it. He meets up with Tania at a restaurant (these two really go out to a lot of nice restaurants for a couple who claims to have no money) after her physical therapy appointment. Her physical therapy isn't going well, because her ankle isn't working right. Well, problem number one, you broke your toe, not your ankle. Problem number two, maybe if you didn't make Syngin carry you piggyback style around the house, you'd be able to use your ankle more. Syngin fills her in on what's going on with his brother, and she's all "Oh no, that sucks" in a way that couldn't sound more insincere or disinterested. Well, it isn't about Tania after all so she's not interested. Syngin tells her he feels he needs to visit his family to make sure all is OK. Tania actually is OK with that idea, and understands that he needs to be there for his family there too. Then they actually had a real conversation about their last argument, and their need to sit down and figure out what they each want from this relationship. Tania says when he said he wishes he could be free to pick up and leave whenever, she's hearing that he wants to bail on their relationship, but he assures her that isn't the case. They both realize they need to make changes to make this work. She still worries to the camera that after going home, she fears Syngin might want to stay there instead of coming back.
Michael and Angela
Angela wakes up in their now rat free apartment. Also, her bras are all adorning the headboard. I don't know why I noticed that, but there they are. Michael tries to get a little nookie-nookie, but Angela says they can't--I guess because of recently having a needle shoved up her lady bits. Angela says no, but she brought him a gift. She pulls out the suits she purchased from Spike Lee's Emporium of Suits, and Michael's reaction is one of pure glee. He's excited to have new suits after about 5 years without, even if one of them is a an entirely Easter egg purple suit that looks like it was purchased at Steve Harvey's last garage sale.
Michael and Angela head out, and he wants her to meet his ex-pat friends he met up with last season. Angela doesn't understand why Michael wants her to meet with people who lived in the US to tell her about life in the US, she already knows about that. She's also insulted that he's not asking for her advice on life in the US. He mentions it could be useful to her if she has to come live in Nigeria, and she shuts that down immediately. She needs electricity and running water, so she can't live in Nigeria. More importantly, she has people back home depending on her to take care of them. She asks how he knows these people, and he only mentions the man in the group. So, you know exactly how this is about to go down.
They arrive at the bar, where Angela sits down and is faced with three pretty young women Michael's age. Her face literally becomes stone. She gets up, shakes the women's hands and thanks them for coming, then tells Michael that it's game over. She stomps out to the parking lot and Michael looks around desperately for a cake or something he can use to swindle her. She tells him to take her to the apartment and then GTFO because she doesn't want to look at him right now. He tries to explain in the car that they were waiting for the dude and he doesn't really know the women, but she screams at him and tells him there's no way she'd ever be OK with him sitting around talking to women that aren't her. She tells him if he knows she's not OK following women on IG why would he ever think she's OK with him having drinks with women in bars? He can just go marry one of them as far as she's concerned.
While they are fighting/she's smoking/screaming in the car, Skyla calls. Mother Angela has taken a turn for the worse. She's deep into a dementia state, and Skyla worries that maybe her oxygen was off overnight because the machine was unplugged that morning. Angela informs Skyla to use her car and take Mother Angela to the doctor ASAP.
Angela calms down, basically because the fight has gone out of her. She tells Michael she doesn't have the energy to fight with him and worry about her mom at the same time, who was OK when she left. She's done discussing this situation with Michael, and she needs to worry about her mom. She tells him to pull over so she can get out(they are back to their apartment by now) because she doesn't want to be around him. Michael tells the camera he thinks Angela is under a lot of stress and that's why she's lashing out, but that doesn't explain the past three years of lashouts Michael.
Michael tells Angela he's worried about Mother Angela too, and he understands. She tells him he doesn't because he doesn't know what she's dealing with. Well, IDK, tell him maybe? He's not a mind reader! He asks if Angela still wants to marry him. She says she does, but that this is exactly what she's talking about, that maybe they aren't ready. She tells the camera Michael doesn't have a clue what's going on with her at home, and again...BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T TOLD HIM! Last he heard, your period was magically resurrected, you haven't told him it could be because you maybe have cancer.
Next week: Family Libby arrives in Moldova and decide to go all Investigative Reports on Andrei's shady past; Mother Michael is coming to their apartment for dinner, leading to arguments over if men or women should cook; Michael takes Angela to a market where they argue over goat meat; Colt and Debbie meet Jess's family and Debbie waits all of two seconds before causing drama; Colt debuts his swim suit (goodbye, my eyes!); Larissa finds out Eric has been trashing her behind her back to another woman (maybe *he* was the one calling her Cheesy Butt!); Asuelu tries to apologize to Kalani to keep from being thrown off a bridge; Paul finds a place for he and Karine to live that appears to not have wheels or be the birthplace of thousands of raccoons.