Hello 90 Day Hamily! It's time for another installment of the show filled with people making *slightly* better decisions than your faves traveling overseas for international nookie during a pandemic! Hard to believe! But don't worry, this group is still a hot mess (even though we get a break from Tania and Syngin this week!)
Colt and Larissa
I spent the entire episode paranoid that this would be the week my eyes would be assaulted by either Coltee dancing again, or Coltee in his banana hammock speedo, or maybe both, but thankfully that wasn't the case. Coltee is back in Vegas, and it's time to break the news to his mother-wife that he has a girlfriend. But first, Colt gathers his legions of cats together and brags that he kept the cats that he and Larissa got together, like Larissa cares. The fact that this is a bragging point tells you all you need to know about Colt.
As Colt steels himself to reveal to Debbie that he's had sex with another woman recently, I begin to become concerned that Debbie might have another husband. She's drinking out of a mug emblazoned with "World's Greatest Step-Dad" and now I'm wondering--who is this mysterious step dad? We have never seen Debs dating anyone but Colt. I deduce that Colt bought the mug for himself when he found out Larissa's kids would not be joining them in the US. Anyway, Colt confesses to his mother-wife that he's been seeing Jess, and she's Brazilian. I am assuming he knows more than that about her, because we sure don't! Debbie suspected he's been seeing someone else, and expresses concerns that he's seeing another foreigner, because that might somehow jeopardize her goal of getting Larissa deported. Colt explains that Jess makes him feel supported and happy, although Debs rightfully points out that Larissa made him feel that way in the beginning as well. She agrees that Larissa is probably the exception among Brazilians, but she is concerned that Colt's upcoming trip to Brazil will see him getting married in a church there, or moving to Brazil, and proclaims that will happen "over my dead body!" Well, that might be the plan, Debs, I'm not sure.
Colt heads upstairs for a DuoLingo session in Portuguese that he fails, although he can still speak more of it than Paul. He Skypes with Jess, and breaks the news to her that while he did tell his mother-wife about Jess's existence, this also means he needs to bring his mother- wife to Brazil with him. Jess suddenly can't speak English as she's all "Your mom? To Brazil?" about it. She then lets him know that if her dad doesn't like Colt, they are dunzo. Colt is annoyed that he's now in competition with her dad for her love. Irony? Also, they fat shame her cat.
Later that night, Debbie brushes off her best culinary skills of overcooked steak and microwaved frozen scalloped potatoes because they are having a guest for dinner. The infamous Vanessa, who Colt claims to have had sex with once, is coming over. We know Vanessa has 0 interest romantically in Colt, because Debs likes her and wishes Colt and Vanessa would hook up. Vanessa is concerned about this upcoming trip, and she and Debs team up to grill Colt worse than those steaks about the nature of his relationship. They are both flabbergasted when Colt admits he's given money to Jess in the form of plane tickets, clothes, and makeup.
Meanwhile, Larissa decides that she can try to ruin Colt's relationship and do a good deed simultaneously by saving Jess. After spending some time zooming in on pics of Colt's knees, she calls up Jess, and informs her Colt is a demon, Debbie is a wolf, and that she needs to watch out because once Colt is done with Jess, he could mess with her immigration status too. Larissa says she's just passing this info along and Jess can do with it what she wants. Jess doesn't want to do anything with it because she says Colt says beautiful words to her, and hangs up. Well, Larissa tried. But now she has more important things to deal with, as she has to head to the courthouse because there is something going on with her immigration case. She is worried Colt has done something to sabotage her green card chances, so she gives her attorney's number to the friend who is driving her, just in case she is deported immediately.
Elizabeth and Andrei
It's a Karen free week in this storyline! For some reason, Libby and Andrei have decided the best time to pack is...a couple of hours before you leave for the airport for a three week international trip. This might be why they have time management problems, I'm just saying. Libby wails about how packing with Eleanor causes more problems, because not only does she have to keep track of what the baby needs, she has to keep track of the baby, while Andrei sits on the bed like a "bump on a log." The camera cuts to Andrei, sitting on the bed keeping baby Ellie occupied while Libby packs. *shakes head* Anyway, Andrei challenges Paul to a packing competition, as he claims not only will he be packed in 2 seconds, but his entire three week wardrobe will fit into a child size suitcase. I want to scoff, but he's a man so it's probably true. A man can travel and be ready for any occasion with a suit, a button down, a tie, a belt, a tee shirt and a pair of loafers. If it's dressy, wear the entire ensemble. Business casual? Leave off the belt, tie, and roll up the sleeves of your button down. Uber casual? Leave the shirt open and untucked over the tshirt and wear your loafers with no socks. Women can't do that.
They finally pack and head to the airport, where one bag is half a pound over and the fee is $200?? I didn't realize baggage overage fees were so high. Andrei shifts some stuff around, and they head onto the plane. Andrei is excited to see his friends and family, Libby is worried her parents will be assholes. Well, that's a legit concern. After many hours of flights and apparently no meltdowns from Ellie (she's such a good baby, she's always seeming calm and happy!) they arrive in Moldova, which does not appear scary to me. Father Andrei and Brother Andrei are there with a huge bouquet of flowers for Libby, and warm welcomes all around. They seem like such a nice family, I want to protect them from dealing with Libby's band of MAGA relatives.
They head back to Andrei's parents house, where Andrei's sister in law (who is very pretty) and Mother Andrei are waiting. Mother Andrei is thrilled to meet her granddaughter for the first time, and everyone sits down to dinner. There is some concern about Libby not being baptized in their religion, and Andrei tells her per their tradition she will need to be baptized in his church before they can be married. Libby acts like he informed her she has to run naked through the streets before their wedding, although I do agree that he should have told her this ahead of time. At the very least, she better get this done before her parents get there because you know her family will have issues with this idea. While Libby puts the baby to bed, Andrei warns his family that her family are assholes so they can prepare themselves.
Paul and Karine
Paul attempts to impress Karine with tap water, but she isn't having it. He then attempts to impress her with his ownership of a beat up sedan, and takes Karine and baby Pierre to his parents house to sit in the hot sun and watch him clean fossilized french fries out of the trunk. Karine can't wait inside the cool house, because Mother Paul knows Paul knows all about squatters rights, so she took away his house key when she gave him back the car keys. Karine doesn't want to put the baby in the dirty car, but Paul classily reminds her she grew up in a hut and they've been in worse Ubers in Brazil. They get in the car as Karine asks herself once again why she left her family to come here with Paul.
Angela and Michael
Over in Nigeria, Michael recaps his almost 3 year relationship with Angela before heading out to meet his cool Aunt Lydia for lunch. I like Lydia, she seems to know how to deal with Angela, and tells the camera so, as she says she initially expected Angela to resist being taught some Nigerian traditions but Angela was open to it. We flash back to Lydia teaching Angela how to cook some Nigerian dishes. Michael tells Lydia that he's been having a few problems with Angela, and recounts RingtoneGate to her. She reminds him that in Nigeria, the man is in charge so Angela will have to learn to compromise, but Michael knows she won't. Lydia also worries about Angela's ability to tote a baby. Michael tells her about their fertility clinic trip to prove Angela is serious about it. Lydia asks if Angela would consider letting him have a baby with someone else, even if Angela was the one raising the baby. Come on now Aunt Lydia, you know the answer to that is "Hell No!"
Back in Georgia, Angela has multiple things to fret about: she needs to round up a tux for Michael, a witness, and make sure her mom is OK with all of this. Oh, and she needs to get her cancer biopsy. Whew! That's a lot on her plate. She heads what looks like a men's thrift shop for the tux...I mean, they have tuxes, but also all different clothes and shoes piled up about. And it is run by a dude who can have a side hustle as an older Spike Lee impersonator. Angela has invited her BFF JoJo to help her shop. Jojo is skeptical of Michael and Angela's relationship, because she thinks a 54 year old woman shouldn't have to go overseas to get a man when there are men here. Umm...where, Jojo? Cause there aren't many good men chomping at the bit to have a 54 year old wife here. They all want a 21 year old wife. Anyway, Angela finally decides on a white tux with red size 15 wide shoes for Michael, and Jojo decides to go to Nigeria and be Angela's witness. Problem one and two solved.
Next up, Angela models her wedding dress for her mom and grand-kids before breaking the news that they won't be able to attend the wedding because it's in Nigeria. Her grand-kids are heartbroken--they wanted to see their mee-maw get married and be flower girls. But they think Angela looks like a princess in her dress, and she shows them the crown that Michael will be wearing. It looks plastic. Mother Angela insists that Angela go on and get married, and she will be OK back at home. But I don't think she will be. Problem three solved.
Next, Angela heads to the gyno for her biopsy. She is scared and thinks about backing out, but takes the dr's advice to go through with it. She wails in pain as the doctor sticks a needle up her lady bits, to the point where the doctor decides to break out the laughing gas to help Angela calm down. Angela laughs her ass off and proclaims the dr. is pinching her cootchie, but they get the sample. Problem four solved.
Kalani and Asuelu
This...argh! Look, this segment is infuriating, and Father Kalani needs to punt Asuelu in his family jewels after it.
Due to the measles outbreak, which Asuelu still thinks is no big deal, they (well Kalani) has decided they won't be taking the trip to Samoa right now. Instead of agreeing that yes, this is what is best for their young children, Asuelu pouts and stomps around like an overgrown baby.
It is Oliver's 2nd birthday weekend, so they decide that they will drive to California from Utah to celebrate the weekend with their family that still lives in Cali. The kids have colds, which they have given to Kalani, and instead of helping his sick wife with the sick kids during the trip, Asuelu, who later will claim he can't speak English very well but he sure grasps the idea of being a passive aggressive asshole, uses that to snarkily make comments about how if the kids are sick, going to Cali is *such* a good idea, because the health of their babies is paramount. He relaxes shotgun in the front of the SUV, while Kalani sits in the back pinned between two car seats, trying to sooth one toddler and breastfeed the other. When her back can't take it anymore, Mother Kalani pulls over so Kalani and Asuelu can switch seats. But now that the kids are fed and soothed, they fall right asleep, which Asuelu uses to show that Kalani's job as a mom is super easy. He tells the camera that in America, women have machines to do everything unlike in Samoa, where women work harder. Kalani and Mother Kalani ask if he thinks all women's work is easy, or just Kalani's. He says all women. Kalani flips him off and asks him if it's so easy, why has she been the only one getting up all week with their sick kids? Asuelu claims he got up once, and when Kalani scoffs, he calls her a lying bitch! Mother Kalani, to her credit, keeps her cool and doesn't pull over and demand he walk the rest of the way. She asks if he would talk to Kalani that way in front of her father, and he says she's his wife so he can say what he wants. Then he whines to the camera about how he can't be the man of the house because nobody has his back. It might also be because you don't do anything or have a real job, dude. I mean, Andrei is a jerk but at least he helps take care of his kid while his wife works.
Kalani muses that Asuelu is trying to sabotage the weekend because he didn't get his way about going to Samoa. Which, considering it's his kid's birthday, is pretty shitty. They arrive at the Air BNB, and Asuelu heads out to the backyard, where he leaps at a tree to pull down either a lemon or an under ripe orange (it looked like a lemon to me, but Kalani called it an orange.) Kalani joins him in the backyard and asks him what he's eating as he peels the fruit. He says he doesn't know, and eats it out of spite. It's sour as hell, and he offers some to Kalani, saying it will help with her being sick. She tries to talk to him and explain that it hurts her feelings when he acts like what she does taking care of the kids is nothing. He says he didn't say it was nothing, that it was easy and she couldn't be like a Samoan mom. She says he changes the subject every time he gets backed in a corner, and that's manipulative. He tells her to stop using expensive words and use simple words so he can understand. She basically throws her hands up and walks away from the convo to cool down, telling the camera they don't have an equal partnership anymore.
She sits on the couch with her mom, trying to explain what happened, when Asuelu comes back inside. She asks what he's doing, and he says he's just getting his phone....before walking around the house, gathering up all his stuff and his suitcase, and walking out. Baby Oliver follows him outside, and Kalani (who is losing her voice) yells to Asuelu to stop because Oliver is trying to follow him out into the street. Auselu doesn't even look back to check on his kid, and Kalani snatches up Oliver before he can wander into the road. She realizes she can't chase after her husband while juggling a two year old, and calls for him to come back, but he keeps walking, paying them no mind.
Asuelu wanders down the street until he finds a bus (a city bus, mind you) and asks when it's leaving. Umm, he does know this bus will not take him to Samoa or Utah, right? The bus driver tells him in a couple minutes, as the cameraman and producers catch up to Asuelu. They ask him where he's going, and he points to the bus driver and says with her, and she's like "The fuck?" He says he's leaving, and going to ride around and find a place to stay. Since he probably has no money or credit cards, I guess this means he's going to ride around the bus until it reaches the end of the line, then sit in the bus station all night until he calls Kalani to come pick him up. He asks the producers to help take his mic off, then boards the bus and rides away into the distance to find his destiny...on a local bus.
Next week: Michael and Angela practice living together in a rented Nigerian apartment but Angela is horrified at something in the apartment; Andrei time travels back to the 1950's as he explains to Libby what is expected of a Moldovan housewife; Father Kalani asks where the hell Asuelu is but since nobody has a bus schedule they don't know; Paul takes Karine to a fixer upper house trailer straight out of Hoarders and she proclaims if Paul can't get them a nice house she is outta here; Tania and Syngin fight about his drinking and he questions why they are even still together; watching Jess and Colt make out in a Brazilian cab makes Debbie physically ill.