Howdy 90 Day Hamily! This week's episode was fairly educational, as we learned: how to embarrass ourselves in front of all of Chicago, how to pour (or not pour) a Guinness, how to not load a luggage cart, the importance of wills, and that a shawl can't save every wedding dress. So let's get started on our education!
Paul and Karine
Paul and Karine are ready to leave Brazil. Paul starts loading up their bags into the shuttle van while a dog pees on some garbage behind him. Oh hey...there are Paul's infamous plastic totes filled with everything they own. Well, one of them, at least. Paul is bringing at least 365 bags/totes of belongings, because he thinks being surrounded by her own stuffed animals will make Karine more likely to stay in the US if she realizes she's gonna have to repack all this shit to come back home. Karine's family surrounds her with love, and chants of her name, as they send her off. They...halfheartedly wave goodbye to Paul.
At the airport, Mother Karine expresses her true worries, and says she doesn't trust Paul. She cries as she says goodbye to Baby Pierre and Karine. I think she truly believes this is the last time she will see them alive. Meanwhile Paul annoys everyone at the check in by announcing he will be moving items from some of the overweight bags into the underweight bags. At the check in. Normally, this really isn't a problem but he's got like 365 bags here, people.
Mother Paul is waiting for them as they land in the US. She seems more excited to see Karine and Baby Pierre than she is to see Paul, but can you blame her? She knows her son sucks. She asks Karine how she's doing, as Paul tries to impress everyone with his ability to stack their luggage on to a luggage cart. In a visual representation of his life thus far, the luggage stack tips over and crashes to the ground in a luggage disaster multiple times. Packing was the one thing Paul was supposed to be good at!
Once in the car, Mother Paul makes it clear she would have liked to have Karine and Baby Pierre stay with her, but unfortunately Paul is part of that package deal so no dice. Baby Pierre starts fussing, so Karine takes him out of the car seat (it looks like maybe to breast feed him) and Paul flips his shit, yelling that she's breaking the law. If anyone in this car knows about breaking the law it's the person with the arson conviction! Paul demands Mother Paul pull over on the highway. Mother Paul tells him to STFU, and quit looking in the backseat because it's none of his business what's going on back there. And also to get a damn job. And quit getting on her nerves. Karine puts the baby back in the car seat, but Paul continues to flip out about the legalities of all this. As they stop to pull into the hotel, Paul bolts from the car into traffic and runs over to the hotel. "He's such a damn idiot," Mother Paul tells Karine multiple times. Oh, she knows, Mother Paul, she knows.
Once they are settled into the hotel, Karine says that the US is very beautiful, but she's worried because she thought they would have more support from Paul's family. Again, I feel like Mother Paul would be more than happy to give support to Karine and Baby Pierre if Paul wasn't along for the ride as well. Paul explains that his parents want him to do all of this on his own and he's doing it, while failing to mention that Mother Paul is paying for this hotel.
Colt and Larissa
It's Colt's last day in Chicago, and he feels he has some stuff to work out with Jess because she's still mad at him about not wanting to party. She tells him he has a Brazilian girlfriend now and Brazilians like to party so that means sometimes he is going to have to party. He says he likes compromise (he does?) and that he wants a relationship with her. They celebrate their new found commitment by taking duck lip selfies in the park and doing...well, I can describe it, but really, you just have to see it to understand:
After that visual, Colt tells her he's worried about the long distance thing, because her visa expires in six months. She says she will try for another visa, maybe a K1? Colt thinks it's early for that, but not too early to agree to go to Brazil with her to meet her family.
After Colt heads back to Vegas, Jess meets up with her so called friends (in that, there is nothing in this conversation that makes me think they have ever even met before this filming) and they drink and cheer to being Brazilian. I wish we could learn something about this group other than they are from Brazil. It's literally the only thing we know about any of them. Her friends tell her Colt is a controlling ass who is probably cheating on her with this Vanessa person, but she doesn't want to hear it because she's in L-O-V-E!!
Meanwhile, Larissa continues her quest for love with dudes who are not into tacos and hiking by going on her blind date with a Party City Discount Bin Sebastian Stan Costume named Matt. Matt is into being half sexy (his words, not mine) and also half Egyptian. If you want to know how this date went, you can figure it out from this:
Matt: I'm half Egyptian.
Larissa: Ooh, I love Egypt.
Matt: Oh, have you been to Egypt?
Matt: Are you into philanthropy?
Matt: What are you looking for in a relationship?
Between that and her blurting out her extensive arrest record, Matt is signaling the valet to bring her car around ASAP and disappears into the night, never to be heard from again.
But no mind, Larissa has another cosmetic procedure to attend to! Her friend Hannah (who is really just her esthetician) has her signed up for some procedure where you get abs by zapping them with electrical currents. So Larissa dons her best cable knit sweater crop top and matching cable knit sweater leggings, and gets ready to get fit and toned via currents. While she sips on champagne and gets buzzed in more ways than one, Larissa tells Hannah she has found out about Colt's new girlfriend Jess, so she's going to call her and give her the 411 about Colt to save her, or destroy their relationship. Probably both.
Tania and Syngin
Syngin has scored a bartender interview with a local Irish pub, so he's getting ready. Once he's completely ready, Tania has him help her shower. She couldn't have asked that before he got completely dressed? He carries her around the house piggy back style. For the record, I broke my ankle once *and* lived alone in a second story apartment and managed to get around just fine with a plaster cast up to mid calf, including showering. Nobody had to carry me around the apartment while I wore a walking boot.
Syngin heads to his interview and..it's a disaster. He basically answers the "So what experience do you have" with his entire 90 Day Fiance story, up to and including Tania's car accident. Meanwhile, the Irish pub owner just wants to know if he knows how to make cocktails. Syngin admits his cocktail game isn't up to snuff, but he's a fast learner. The pub owner asks him to pour a Guinness and he fails miserably, and I learn pouring a Guinness involves more than just sticking a glass under the tap and pulling the handle. So now the pub owner is left wondering if the free advertising he will get by having his pub featured on 90 Day Fiance is worth Syngin blubbering all over the guests and pouring subpar Guinness regularly. He'll have to think about it. Syngin is upset that he can't go home an employed man working in a job his wife didn't want him to have to begin with. So he proceeds to sit at the bar and knock back his shoddily poured Guinness and have a few shots. Which I'm sure looks amazing to the guy who is debating on if he should hire him.
Syngin stumbles home drunk as a skunk, and proceeds to breathe his alcohol breath all over Tania while asking how her doctor appointment went. Tania, who had no problem using her crutches in the doctor's office or hopping up on the table, tells Syngin that her knee bone is bruised and she might have toe arthritis in two years and she can't go back to work for 3 months. Syngin drunkenly waves his arms around and bellows that the doctor said she wouldn't get toe arthritis until she was 50. Tania complains that she isn't feeling acknowledged by this convo and asks Syngin to keep his booze breath to himself.
Andrei and Elizabeth
Andrei and Libby share a video call with Andrei's parents, and they ask about the trip to Moldova. Andrei tells them they will be staying three weeks, and will be staying with Father and Mother Andrei. Libby is pissed, because he didn't plan any of this with her. She wants to rent an apartment with her family. She thinks Andrei and her family will bond if he can show them around his home country. I've got news for her, if they haven't bonded when they live in the same city, they aren't going to bond while being in a country they've already decided is the worst place ever. Andrei rightfully points out that his father has seen his granddaughter once since she was born, and his mother has never met her granddaughter so maybe it would be nice to let his parents have that bonding time instead of her family who see the baby every day. Libby also complains that her family doesn't speak the language and won't know what to do if she isn't there. Andrei says they can afford to hire a translator. I want to know why her family has to be there for the whole three weeks? Can't they just come in the week of the wedding? Libby finally agrees they can stay with his parents a couple of days but if she doesn't like it they will go back to staying with her family.
Since Karen 1 & Karen 2 can't go to the wedding due to having babies and also due to being xenophobic assholes, they are going along with Libby to go wedding dress shopping. Libby tells the clerk they need something today, and it needs to be conservative because she is getting married in an Orthodox church. In true 90 Day fashion, Libby's mother snits that her daughter is American, so she doesn't know why she has to change herself to fit in to the Moldovan church. Umm, because it's the respectful thing to do when you are a guest?? While Libby says she needs to find a dress to cover her cleavage then goes on to try on all V neck dresses, Karen #1 tells the camera she just knows that Andrei planned all this on purpose so they couldn't attend the wedding. I don't know if the on purpose planning she's referring to is Andrei's wedding time table, or just generally being born outside the US. She says that Andrei is "at the bottom of her shit list." Umm...I don't think that means what you think it means, Karen. When Libby finds a dress that won't have to be altered, Karen #1 makes it all about herself by stonily refusing to give an opinion on the dress, than bursting into tears because she won't get to see her sister getting married in the "scariest place in the entire world." Which is it, you want to go or you don't ffs?? Libby tells her sister she is sorry and if it wasn't for Elenore needing to be baptized, they wouldn't do this right now, but it's happening. Her sister has dragged down the whole appointment, so the shop clerk tries to steer it back to the low cut dress by bringing out the bathroom rug and draping it across Libby's shoulders and telling her it's a shawl. They all agree this look is the one to go with, even though the dress and the "shawl" don't match.
Kalani and Asuelu
Asuelu waits for Kalani and their shrieking children to pick him up from his part time job of passing out yogurt samples at the health food store. I thought he was at least in the big leagues of the sample passing game (Costco) but no. While he waits, he calls his sister Pae Pae back home in Samoa. She immediately starts asking him why he hasn't sent any money. She guilts him by saying without his money, they might as well be dead. Slow your roll girl, he's not pulling down Costco sample passer money! He tells her they are still planning to come to Samoa, and she tells him to get their kids vaccinated because there is a measles outbreak in the country.
Kalani shows up and takes him out to a coffee shop, where he orders avocado toast, so there goes their whole trip budget, and a giant mocha made with heavy cream. He says in the US coffee is more like dessert so he likes it. He tells Kalani about the measles outbreak, and she is worried, because their youngest baby is only 7 months old and the measles shot is usually given at 12-24 months. She says they will call the doctor and discuss.
The next day they head to the pediatrician, who clearly is not their normal pediatrician as she gives the impression she's never seen these kids before in her life. She says that while their baby Kennedy is a younger baby than they would normally give a measles vaccine to, the vaccine is safe for babies as young as 6 months. Asuelu is all "Ok, inject away!' but Kalani says their son had an adverse reaction to his vaccinations, so she's not so sure. The doctor says they can do the vaccination, but she would advise waiting on the trip. Asuelu doesn't like that answer, but Kalani has already decided they aren't going. Auselu pouts like a 5 year old and says he still wants to go and take the kids.
Angela and Michael
Angela has decided to hit up all her lawyers in order to satisfy Skyla's request that she find out what marrying Michael in Nigeria will mean legally. First she hits up a marriage lawyer, who tells her if they get married and she dies without a will, Michael can get all of her stuff. Not on this meemaw's watch, so totes a grandbaby with her over to Lawyer Lou, and asks him to draw up a will. She tells him she's always told her grandkids they can have everything she has when she goes. He asks if she's cutting Michael out of the will, and she says no. He should get some of her stuff, just not all of it. She decides to leave 50% of her new house to Michael and 50% of the house to her six grandkids. So...that won't cause any court battles I'm sure.
Lou then tries to also discourage her from getting married in Nigeria, because their K1 denial has now been transferred to the US State Dept. He says they will hopefully soon get a letter explaining the specific reason for the denial. Lawyer Lou tells her even if they get married, if there is something on Michael's record that the State Dept doesn't like, he is not getting in here under any type of Visa. Angela insists he isn't scamming her, but she is scared he might not get into the country even though she is a tax paying meemaw who has the right to be scammed. She tells Lawyer Lou that she wants her 90 Days
Back home, she lets Skyla know that she has all the legal eagles in motion, so Skyla can come witness their wedding now. Skyla is like "Nah." She says she can't afford to go, someone has to watch her kids, she has to work, Grandma doesn't want her to go. Angela calls Michael to throw Skyla under the bus and get him to convince her to go, which basically consist of Michael saying "Skyla...come on!" But Skyla will not be budged. She doesn't think they need to get married because they have nothing in common. Girl don't you know being featured on this show *is* what they have in common?? So now with two weeks left until she leaves for Nigeria, Angela is scrambling for a witness. Might I suggest:
Next week: Colt tells his mother wife about his girlfriend; Asuelu insists Samoa is safe and when he doesn't get his way packs up and appears to leave anyway; Libby and Adrei arrive in Moldova; Larissa vows to destroy Coltee by calling up Jess (and has Jess in her phone under "Coltee Gal"); Paul bings home a junker car I guess for them to live in? Maybe to drive to his non existent job?