luvthatdrtywata (luvthatdrtywata) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,
luvthatdrtywata
luvthatdrtywata
ohnotheydidnt

ONTD Original: Gwyneth Paltrow's $75 Orgasm Candle and 3 More SUPER CHEAP Must-Haves on GOOP dot cum



The personification of dry, unseasoned, boiled chicken, Gwyneth Paltrow, hasn't let the mountain of deeply critical work that white people need to be doing to unlearn a lifetime of systemic racism, implicit bias, and racially inaccurate history get in the way of what's really important - herself!

Just in time for us to all die a slow and painful death from coronavirus, Gwynnie has released a follow-up to her smash hit pussy candle, This Candle Smells Like My Orgasm!

Now, does Gwyneth seem like the type of woman who has never achieved orgasm by the touch of a man, and can only truly feel sexual gratification from screaming at maids for poor performance, or watching the personal and/or professional downfall of a younger, fresher ingenue (Hi Lea), of course, but let's humor her in a way the film-going audience hasn't in a good 10 years. So exactly what does Goopsie Daisy think an orgasm smells like? Perhaps a refreshing ocean fish and skim milk smoothie? A musty old towel from the public pool? A DVD screener of whatever Marvel movie she did? No? It smells like tart grapefruit, neroli, and ripe cassis berries blended with gunpowder tea and Turkish rose? ...k.


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If your excrement wants to retreat back into your bowels because the idea of emerging into the cesspool that is day-to-day life in 2020 is too much even for an actual piece of shit, make sure you pick up a pack of $40 Regularity Relief. Cuz who needs to afford their bills when you have a queef candle and explosive diarrhea? Thanks goop!


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With quarantine still in place across our great nation and around the world, many of us have seen our weight simply BALLOON upwards of 3 pounds! But just because we can't visit our beach homes, doesn't mean we shouldn't be beach ready! After all, some of us have less stringent travel restrictions placed upon us thanks to some conveniently taken photos of a certain governor that rhymes with Havin' AFewSome, if you know what I'm saying...cuz I don't, I'm very high on Quaaludes right now...oh right...this $250 eating disorder in a box. Get yours today, or don't, because for what you get, you might as well just not eat and save the money. Same same.

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Do you want to tell the world that you've truly given up and have zero fucks left for all of humanity? Then buy this glorified Hanes Her Way tank top that could be purchased at your local Pick n Save for $3.99 for the insanely high price of $195. Why donate $200 to actually fight oppression when you can just stay silent from the comfort of your "whisper-thin cotton-cashmere" tank top. You had me at "whisper thin."

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Tags: gwyneth paltrow, ontd original
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