Hello 90 Day Hamily! It’s time for another installment of the franchise that never stops giving, even if you want it to! And this episode has it all—water taxi rides, packing tips, doctor’s visits, breastfeeding, alleged kidnap for ransom plots, white women afraid to travel outside of their housing development, and unfortunately picturing Colt doing the deed. Let’s dig in!
Colt and Larissa
Colt is strolling back into his hotel with coffees and breakfast sandwiches, and the shit eating grin of someone who thinks he rocked someone else’s world the night before but probably didn’t. Yes, it happened, Colt wants you to know he had sex. He brings Jess her coffee and breakfast sandwich, and tells the camera that things seem awkward and off with Jess this morning. She’s probably realizing in the harsh light of day that she had sex with Colt and his probable micro-peen.
Jess perks up as they stroll along the river later that day, and she tells him he needs to take a water taxi ride because it’s so so fun. Umm….huh? I mean, don’t the people of Chicago just consider the water taxi a regular form of transportation, not a fun tourist ride? That’s like telling someone in NYC to take the subway because it’s similar to the train ride to Hogwarts at Universal.
On the water taxi, I get shades of Ed as Colt grills Jess about her past, such as how many dates she’s been on in America. She says about 7 or so, and Colt is all “SEVEN?? IN SIX MONTHS!” like she’s been open for business 24/7. Calm down dude, that’s one date a month basically. I swear why do these doughy gross disgustos act like they need an untouched virgin (who will of course fall into bed with *them* on date one)? Colt goes there and asks her if these were Brazilian dates or American dates. She’s confused, and he gets this creepy gleam in his eye and explains that last night she told him Brazilians have sex on the first date unlike Americans, so were these Brazilian dates or American dates? She pretends not to know, and he says he’s jealous before asking “What was so different about me?” Same Colt, same…I want to know what inspired this woman to want to put up with you other than to get on TV. She says they both like sex. Err…but what’s the point of getting with someone who likes sex if it’s…Coltee?? She says all Brazilians like sex and he claims his ex Larissa did not. Jess can’t believe it, and I shout at my TV “Because she had to have sex with YOU!” This leads into a convo about what happened with his marriage, and Colt musters all the Lifetime movie of the week emotion he can to say his wife was arrested for domestic violence three times, making Jess believe that Colt was a chronically battered husband. Colt of course leaves out all the mental abuse he and his mother-wife Debbie did to Larissa.
Later, Jess takes Colt to meet her friends, and the show decides being Brazilian is a personality trait because it's literally the only thing we have learned about any of them or that Colt can talk about. The women are impressed that Colt lives in Vegas (wait until they hear about the slot machine in the dining room!) but less impressed to hear that Colt lives with his mother. They also aren't impressed that Colt keeps talking to some woman from the gym (I thought he worked out in his garage?) named Vanessa. Colt tells the camera he told Jess he'd stop talking to Vanessa but he reveals he has no plans to do that at all. Jess wants all of them to go to a Brazilian dance party, but Colt wants to go back to the hotel for more sex. They argue, Jess's friends hate him because he's controlling, Jess thinks he's boring and also controlling, but in the end passes up the party and goes back to the hotel. Colt tells the camera "I win" with a smirk that makes me want to throw up.
Meanwhile, Larissa has decided that even though she thinks she looks sexy in photos, she doesn’t feel sexy. She wants to feel sexy by applying for her green card and then taking a class on pole dancing with her friend. She’s a very awkward pole dancer, even though she says maybe she can get a job as a stripper. She muses to her friend that she’s thought about being a lesbian because men are so “Ughh the worst” and starts listing off the mythical unicorn of man she’s looking for. He’s not young but not old, he’s rich, he’s smart and geeky, he’s hot, he’s American. OK, get in line behind like every other straight woman in America, Larissa.
Larissa’s friend offers to set her up on a blind date with a friend who is into wine and fancy things. Larissa doesn’t know what a blind date is, but if he’s rich and hot and American, she says she's down even if he’s blind!
Paul and Karine
Paul is doing the only thing he's good at--complicated packing that involves weighing suitcases and stuffing them with diapers and blankets. Yes, he and Karine have decided to leave their tiny, kind of packrat apartment in Brazil to head for the US. Apparently, there aren't enough opportunities for Paul to make money in Brazil even after a year. I guess he thought English speaking packing opportunities were just going to fall in his lap. He's applied for some kind of special Visa for Karine, which means she automatically has a Green card and is a permanent resident before her arrival. How did Paul figure out something that 95% of the married couples on this show who still reside in separate countries have not?? Paul is excited to go home and expose baby Pierre to all the best that Kentucky has to offer, but Karine is less sure. She doesn't really want to move to the US, and floats a plan to Paul that he can get a job in the US and then buy a ticket for she and baby Pierre to go back to Brazil.
Another person not happy about the move is Karine's mother. Mother Karine expresses worry because Paul is a loose cannon, and if he flips out and decides he's done with Karine, she hopes he will at least send Karine and baby Pierre back to her, leaving unsaid that she means sending them back alive and not cut up into pieces. She doesn't say it, but she kind of seems to fear that the next time she'll see her daughter is on a news segment about a murder/suicide in Kentucky. Karine tries to ease her mother's unspoken worries, saying that Paul has spent a lot of time away from his family for her and the baby, so it's only fair she goes to spend time in the US. She thinks Paul will give more attention to her and the baby once they are back home because he will not be so stressed about money and things.
But Paul is already stressed, because he called Mother Paul to ask if they can stay with her while he gets a job. Getting Paul out of her house must have been Mother Paul's greatest life ambition, because she's gone from enabling Paul's co-dependence to straight up cold blooded! She tells Paul "No", that in no uncertain terms he will not be staying with her because her house is too small and she knows his ass will never leave again. She tells him she'll help him with a hotel, but he needs to get it together and get a job because she's not supporting him any more! See, this is the tough love Debbie would never dispense to Colt.
Elizabeth and Andrei
Time for more Moldavian wedding madness! Andrei puts together some kind of not very baby friendly table while Libby lets him know she's still mad that he hijacked her dad's birthday with his wedding announcement. He's like "OK sorry whatever, go ask your dad for money" while baby Ellie sits on the floor and reads the directions her father is paying zero attention to.
In a segment that should be subtitled "Suburban White Woman Privilege on Parade", Libby takes Ellie to meet up with two of Libby's sisters. The three of them sit around breastfeeding in the pool while Libby's sisters complain that this wedding is ruining their lives! They are being forced to scramble around to change their lives when there isn't even a venue booked! They can't just pack up and leave their non existent jobs and leave their kids with nannies while being forced to go to a scary foreign country. Libby tries to explain that Moldova isn't that bad, since you know, she's actually been there before and all, but Karen #1 (I can't remember her sisters names but lets be real, they are all textbook Karens) says she's been Googling Moldova and it's THE SCARIEST PLACE ON EARTH!!! Umm, she knows she lives in Florida, correct, where on any given day you'll get a headline like Florida Man Threatens Houseguest with Machete for Not Flushing Toilet? The Karens start rattling off all the problems with Moldova, like tourists getting kidnapped for ransom and various crimes like muggings and murder and corrupt police, which also happens here in America too, Karens! Karen #1 also chimes in that she just doesn't think she's going to be able to go to this wedding, and Libby is like well, I want you there but I get it if you can't go. So go, or don't go. Karen #1 is furious because ...I'm not sure why, I mean there's really only two options, go or stay home. Karen #3 (the babyless one) shows up and they all complain about Andre making their dad pay for this wedding.
Speaking of which, Libby goes and asks her dad for the money, and gets it by fake crying. Her dad says of course he'll pay for the wedding, because when she cries all his defenses go down. Libby goes home to share this news with Andrei, and instead of being grateful he's all "How much are we getting? It's OK, I'll just go all out and plan a top of the line wedding! $50,000 should cut it!" He's officially become a Bridezilla.
Kalani and Asuelu
We finally get to see Asuelu's true love--his volleyball league, which is basically just 4-5 guys in a community gym messing around. Asuelu tells his bros that life is hard, because Kalani wants him to do stuff like, IDK, help take care of his kids and the house they live in, but he's an island man and you can't change him! His dudes enable him by spouting some BS about how that's women's work, and they want to raise their kids in the Samoan way, etc. Asuelu says he misses his family and wants to take Kalani and the kids to visit, but it costs money and he has to bring a gift.
Meanwhile, he decides the best way to get permission is to butter his wife up and take her on a date. He takes Kalani out, and she daydreams of a child free night of fancy dinners and maybe a movie, and instead Asuelu pulls up to an axe throwing venue. She's less than impressed, but they do end up having fun. Since he determined that she's having a good time, Asuelu makes his move and tells her he's homesick. It sounds like he wants to bail altogether, but he explains he wants to take her and the kids to Samoa to meet his family. And they need to bring a gift. Kalani isn't too happy about this, and says to the camera that she doesn't have the best relationship with Asuelu's family because they are constantly asking for money. She tells Asuelu they need to take care of their own family before giving money away to others. But she says she understands his homesickness and she wants him to see his family. However, they need to make sure they don't spend all their money, and that they are able to come home and still pay their bills. Sure, sure, he says, because TLC is paying for this trip anyway. Also, she tells him if he ignores her and the kids on this trip to hang out with his island bros, she's leaving his ass there. I suspect he'll be fine with that.
Tania and Syngin
Syngin is trying ice skating. I'm not sure if this is one of his 1000 dream jobs (which we are reminded in a flashback also include acting and maybe opera singing?) or just something he's wanted to try. But he's awkwardly skating and Tania is cheering from the sidelines....because she broke her toe. She was in some car accident and now she's in a boot and just can't work because she broke a metatarsal and had surgery. If only she knew a witch doctor in Connecticut with an extensive 30 day training in essential oils....
Anyway, Tania's broken toe has stopped them from fleeing the colds of Connecticut for warmer weather, so they are staying put but moving out of the shed in her mom's backyard. Mother Tania takes a break her Costco tiramisu and Jack Daniels breakfast to drive them to the new home they are renting. Syngin is very excited to have extra rooms for sex. Mother Tania reminds them that he needs to get a job now that he has his green card, because Tania's savings will deplete fast what with bills. Syngin laments that he thought America had jobs everywhere but it's been hard to find one.
Guys, can I just mention I'm worried about Syngin? He's super pale, and he's got dark circles under his eyes, which are fairly lifeless. I fear Tania is sucking the life force out of him Dementor style at night.
Anyway, because Tania needs an audience for maximum drama, they head over to see her sister's family. They spend about 2 minutes catching up before launching into an argument about Syngin's drinking. He's decided to seek work as a bartender for quick cash, and Tania doesn't like that because she says he has a drinking problem, in that he likes to drink even in the morning. I hate to side with Tania, but she might be right here because Syngin seems drunk off his ass during this convo--he's slurring his words a bit, etc. He explains that yes, in South Africa he had some wild times as a bartender because you could do shots all night and break chairs and just decide to not to show up to work, but he knows he can't do that here in America. He is upset Tania doesn't trust him to know how to be functional, but dude...you're drunk right now! I mean, I get it, living with Tania would probably drive the most sober man to the bottle, but...someone needs to save Syngin from himself.
Angela and Michael
Angela has decided to go see a gyno about the amazing resurrection of her period. She tells the doctor all about her visit to the Nigerian fertility clinic, where they told her she had a beautiful uterus and one deceased egg. She says she wants to have a baby, and the doctor, skeptical that she has *any* of the things the fertility clinic said, asks her "You are still having a period? At 54?" Angela says funny you should ask since her period has decided to return after a two year hiatus! The doctor is like "No, if you are bleeding like that, it's not good." She tells Angela that the fertility clinic probably saw some kind of cyst, not an egg, and sets Angela up for a transvaginial ultrasound. Angela shares that the wand is bigger than Michael's penis. Ewwww! I've had one of those wands shoved up my hoohah before and remember what it was like so I don't want to know that about Michael. The doctor looks around (I thought this was where we'd get the baby or intestines debate but we don't) and tells Angela she doesn't see any eggs or cysts, maybe a fibroid. Angela asks about her baby toting chances and the doctor tells her she's egg free and her chances of conceiving on her own are 100%...zero. She tries to soften the blow a bit by saying she could probably tote a baby using IVF with a donor egg, but the bleeding is a concern and she needs to be tested for cancer. Angela is worried that not only will her relationship with Michael end because she can't have a baby, but she might have cancer on top of it.
She decides to have a talk with her elderly mother Glenda, who has had cancer 5 times. She carefully brushes her mom's hair and asks her what kind of wig she'd like Angela to get for her. After that, she sits down and tells her mom what's going on. Glenda tells her she going through early menopause, and is shocked to remember that Angela is 54. "That's why I feel so old!" Glenda jokes, even though it's a struggle for her to keep her breath enough to speak. Angela reveals to her mother that the doctor is going to test Angela's uterus for cancer, because she needs to make sure everything is OK before she tries to have a baby with Michael. Glenda, speaking for all of us, tells her daughter that at 54, she doesn't need to be toting no babies. The producers ask Glenda if she's worried about the testing to see if Angela has cancer. She is worried, but says Angela needs to get it done so she will know.
Angela also is upset because she has to tell her mother she's returning to Nigeria to marry Michael, and that Glenda won't get to see it. She explains this to Glenda, and asks for her blessing to return to Nigeria and marry Michael. Glenda isn't happy about the situation and says she never thought Angela and Michael would get married, but she gives her blessing because she says she can't stop Angela either way. Angela says she'll be gone for three weeks, so her mother better be here when she gets back. Glenda says don't worry, she'll either be in the bed or in the chair next to the bed when Angela gets back, but Angela expresses to the producers she's not so sure. She starts to cry as she says she doesn't know if going to Nigeria is the right thing--she loves Michael but she is worried her mom will pass away while she is gone. This is honestly the most human Angela has ever been, and probably why at the end of the day she's still a smidge better than Baby Girl Lisa.
Next week: Asuelu isn't going to let a silly thing like a measles outbreak in Samoa stop him from taking his not yet vaccinated infant to the country; Paul debuts this year's running scene as he gets out of the car and runs into traffic; now that he's hit it, Colt tries to quit it by telling Jess a long distance relationship would be hard while she angles for a K1 visa; Larissa finds out about Jess while getting yet another cosmetic procedure; and Angela and Michael try to convince Skyla to witness their wedding, while Andrei plans his dream wedding with no input from Libby.