crowdedstreets (crowdedstreets) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,

ONTD Original: Is he cute or just tall? [Part 2]

Unimount Pictures Presents:

Cute or Tall (Part 2)

Once again, the idea belongs to therearewords.
Here’s my best attempt at levity: a list of men who could be handsome, but are probably just tall. Remember, the taller you are, the less dense the air around your face. Air density has an inverse correlation with perceived handsomeness (Crowdedstreets et al. 2020).

Figure 1

Conclusion: It’s science. The taller you are, the higher your face, the lower the air density, the higher the degree of perceived handsomeness.

By Popular Demand... Adam Driver

Height: 6’2” / 1.89m

Why he’s "appealing": I have a lot to say about this and none of it is kind. I will make one (1) concession: he has nice hair. Otherwise, he's so offensively hideous, he must have been downright pummeled by the ugly lightsaber. He seems to exclusively sign up for the incel-iest/douchiest/downright abusive-est roles and that rubs me the wrong way. And then there's the thing about him allegedly eating entire rotisserie chickens in class at Juilliard (imagining the sound alone makes me want to physically fight a man), and walking out of interviews just because the interviewers dare play clips of his performance (I have HAD IT with actors). HE IRKS ME AND I DON'T GET THE THIRST.

Verdict: Duh. Tall.

Ansel Elgort

This pose makes him look like a dog who just heard the treat bag opening in the next room.

Height: 6’3” / 1.9m (OP note: ??? H O W ????)

Why he’s "appealing": He's vanilla pudding. White, a lil thick, but in the end, basic. I can't even muster up a decent write-up. He's got nice lips though.

Verdict: Eh who cares.

Tom Hiddleston

Height: 6’2” / 1.88m

Why he’s "appealing": He wears some interesting suits (1 point to the Commonwealth) but he's. The. Worst. Sometimes when I'm feeling too good about life, I watch his appearance on Graham Norton where he does a De Niro impression in front of Robert De Niro and it brings me right down. His hairline? Receding. His personality? Embarrassing. His dating life? Humiliating.

Verdict: Just British.

Jacob Elordi

Height: 6’4” / 1.93m

Why he’s "appealing": I guess he's cute but he makes me deeply uncomfortable for a number of reasons: his 1:1 neck-to-jaw ratio, the terrible premise of The Kissing Booth, and that gif I've seen of the scene in Euphoria where he's in his underwear and big-dogging that melting wax figurine of McSteamy. I don't wike it. But I'll begrudgingly admit he's stacked and okay in the face.

Verdict: Tall but also cute? I guess??

Ben Affleck

Height: 6’4” / 1.92m

Why he’s "appealing": This one is for you, Ana de Armas. HE'S. NOT.

Verdict: NO

Sources: My brain.
Adam Driver stories: 1, 2

European users, this weirdly-timed post is dedicated to you.

Who’s your favourite tall-not-handsome male, ontd?
Tags: adam driver, ansel elgort, ben affleck, euphoria (hbo), ontd original, tom hiddleston

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