crowdedstreets (crowdedstreets) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,

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ONTD Original: Is he cute or just tall?

Unimount Pictures Presents:

Cute or Tall (Part 1)

If this has been done before, you’ll have to forgive me. The idea belongs to therearewords. I executed it mediocre-ly. Here’s my best attempt at levity: a list of men who could be handsome, but are probably just tall. Remember, the taller you are, the less dense the air. Air density has an inverse correlation with perceived handsomeness (Crowdedstreets et al. 2020).

Figure 1

Conclusion: It’s science. The taller you are, the higher your face, the lower the air density, the higher the degree of perceived handsomeness.

Nicholas Hoult

Height: 6’2”

Verdict: Tall, not handsome

Why he’s appealing: I… I don’t even know. He looks like someone over-inflated Jim Parsons. But he’s British, so….

Armie Hammer

Height: 6’5”

Verdict: Tall, not handsome

Why he’s appealing: We saw him and “his twin” in The Social Network and were drawn in by the potential for being spit-roasted by the two of them.

Alexander Skarsgård


Verdict: Tall, not handsome

Why he’s appealing: He’s 80% forehead and 20% Wallace grin (a la Wallace and Gromit). Twist my arm, I’d say his appeal is based in the fact that you can get Swedish citizenship out of him. Viva la socialism!

Tom Brady

Height: 6’4”

Verdict: Tall, not handsome

Why he’s appealing: He sportses good and won’t compete with you for the strawberries and coffee in the house. But honestly, he looks like smiling pains him which is fair, considering how many times he’s been body-slammed into the turf. Plus, whatever closer he’s stored in, in between games, can’t be all that roomy.

Chris Hemsworth


Verdict: Tall, not handsome

Why he’s appealing: Casual Aussie racism? Knowing he’ll age like a poorly-maintained Louis Vuitton carry-on? Blue eyes that you can’t see because he’s beady-eyed and squints a lot?

In closing, there you have it. They’re all just tall and y’all need better taste.

Sources: My brain, mostly.

Who’s your favourite tall-not-handsome male, ontd?
Tags: #tiff18, alexander skarsgård, armie hammer, chris hemsworth, nicholas hoult, ontd original, tom brady

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