ShannenB (shannenb) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,

Meet the cast of 90 Day Fiancé Happily Ever After? Season 5

It’s that time again 90 Day Hamily—as we head toward a bonkers finale for Before The 90 Days, be subjected to Laura’s delusions on both 90 Day Fiancé Self Quarantine and What Next? and prepare for more Americans to refuse to adopt the customs of their new home on The Other Way, get ready for another installment of Happily Ever After? where couples show exactly why they shouldn’t be together, either in the same room or in life.

So whose breakup will you be eagerly anticipating this season??

First up, we have Kalani and Asuelu. She was a virgin who went on a trip to a resort in Samoa and got pregnant the first time she had sex. He worked at the resort and was responsible for knocking Kalani up because “condoms are for slut people.” Her lookalike sister has issues with Asuelu because she feels she fills the father role for her nephew. Her dad has issues with Asuelu because he doesn’t think his daughters should date or marry Samoans even though he himself is Samoan! And Asuelu has issues with bicycles because the seats hurt his boo-hole. But they got married and had another kid.

For reasons I can’t understand, these two are back even though they are divorced and dating other people. He’s a gaslighting asshole with mommy issues who loves to dress up cats, she’s a high maintenance hothead with three arrests under her belt (although to be fair Colt is directly responsible for like 2 1/2 of those arrests.)

Stock up on the Jack Daniels and Tiramisu, you are gonna need it as you watch Tania: Tell her fiancé they will be living in a shed in her mom’s backyard, then do nothing in the months since to fix it up; create more work for airport workers by staging elaborate welcome to America ceremonies and refusing to clean up the mess; take off in the middle of their 90 days to go to Costa Rica to take a 30 day essential oils class leaving her fiancé alone to serve as her mother’s personal groundskeeper; flirt with strangers in Costa Rica and refuse to call/text her fiancé to let him know she drunkenly stumbled home safely because that requires more commitment than she is ready for; tell everyone, including her fiancé, that she already met her soulmate and it’s not the man she’s marrying; decide to plan their wedding 4 hours before their guests arrive and therefore force everyone to stand around waiting while she finishes setting up the plastic chairs and takes a sink bath before her wedding.

Not that Syngin has no flaws—he will use your Jack Daniels and eat your tiramisu without asking; I’m pretty sure he never got around to power washing mom’s patio, he refuses to pick a career and thus sounds like a 5 year old who can’t decide if he wants to be a cowboy, a fireman, an astronaut, or a dinosaur when he grows up; and he wore beach lederhosen to get married so...yeah.

When he isn’t being terrorized by pregnancies or being sabatoged over $600, Andrei spends his time not working a steady job and planning his dream $25,000 Moldovan wedding. Elizabeth spends her time figuring out ways she can ask her dad for money without her husband finding out, so they can do things like eat and not be evicted.

Awkward runner/arsonist/maternal hair collector Paul (aka Pole) is back. It looks like he finally got mom to agree to co-sponsor his wife Karine so she and their son could come to the US, because Pole isn’t pulling in the required $27,000 a year to get the visa approved. Since they are in the US, we won’t get to see Paul hauling his plastic crates full of supplies around, but don’t worry he will still be hauling around that translator app, because unlike his wife who is trying to learn English, he refuses to learn Portuguese.

And finally....they’re baaaacck! That’s right, now that you’ve watched this season of Before the 90 Days and thought that Baby Girl Lisa makes Angela look cultured and calm, Angela is back to try and win back the title of craziest mee-maw who ever made Nigerian men regret hearing the words social media and America. Maybe Usman would be faring better if he used Mykul’s patented cake swindling technique. Anyway, so many questions remain such as will Angela find an egg to tote? Will the Goofballs finally give their blessing to this relationship? Does this mean I am finally going to get to see a wedding planned by DJ Doug???

Tune in to see all these disasters on TLC on June 14th.

Source 1, Source 2, Source 3 Source 4, Source 5, Source 6 Source 7

Don’t think for one minute I’m not recapping this mess. It might not show up until Monday or Tuesday night but I so will be doing it!!
Tags: 90 day fiance, reality show, television - tlc
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