Hello my peasants, poors, and poverty-stricken pansexuals! Tis I, your favorite god-DESS de goop, luvthatdrtywata. Having been on my dear friend and co-defendant Jared Leto's silent retreat, I was blissfully unawares of this "coronavirus" that has suddenly stricken so many in the pauper community, including my dear, sweet Rita Wilson, who so selflessly used her illness to highlight the issue of rich, white women with sons who look like unemployed fry cooks. Stay strong, Ritz, we're rooting for you!
In an effort to do my part from the comfort and respite of my quaint 12,000 square foot ski chalet in Jackson Hole, I've simply SCOURED goop.com's quarantine commodities to turn your social distancing into social distingué. So grab your one-time, government-issued, coronavirus stimulus check and stimulate yourself with the most over-priced junk on the 'net!
JOSH HARRY PRO DRYER 2000
Have you always wondered how Gwyneth Paltrow gets her hair so thin and stringy? Well wonder no more! For just $249, you can purchase this Harry Josh Pro Dryer 2000, named after the last year anyone looked to Gwyneth Paltrow for style tips. It has all the dryer power of air, but with a convenient 9-foot long cord you can use to hang yourself with because you're a sucker who bought a $250 hair dryer in the middle of a pandemic where 20 million Americans are now unemployed! And it's GREEN! SOURCE
ANZA WHITE ESPRESSO MACHINE
If, like me, you're positively knackered from all the nothing you've been doing, I cannot recommend this Anza expreso...excpresso...espresso machine enough! With my coke dealer on lockdown, this is just the little, white pick me up momma needs to make it through another day in corona paradise, baby! SOURCE
GOOP ESSENTIAL PANTRY SET
Word on the privately-patrolled, gated-streets is that the Type-2's were run amok filling their cupboards with assorted sundries and something called Little Debbie snack cakes in the run-up to this wretched isolation endeavor. For those with more discerning palates, however, I suggest the goop essentials pantry set. As you can see, there is nothing in the jars because Gwyneth need'th edible sustenance, she is fueled by sunshine, high-end moisturizer, and her Chris Coldplay alimony cheques. SOURCE
DRX SPECTRALITE™ FACEWARE PRO
According to my ex-lover and current Director General of the World Health Organization, Tedros Adhanom, we don't need masks, but out of respect for my household staff, who are still working and are not allowed to leave the estate to visit their families under any circumstances, I purchased this high tech face mask. I assume it gives me some sort of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle powers to fight this flu but who can say? Certainly not the Santa Clara County District Attorney office, no matter how many times they try and sue goop for not having "competent and reliable science." Just because you won in court, doesn't mean you and the other nine state prosecutors were right, Susan! SOURCE
Okay poors, this was tres fun, but I do have to get back to my new role of Chief White House press secretary. Turns out Kayleigh was racist but not racist enough, plus her name is stupid. All of you, stay safe, stay inside, and stay goopy!