I live, I die, I live again (sandstorm) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,
I live, I die, I live again
sandstorm
ohnotheydidnt

👋🏾Spice Up The Oscars!👋🏾, an ONTD Original

First things First:
Don't steal this, don't repurpose it, Don't even read this post.
However, if you are part of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, do interact and fix your show.

Now: With the news that for the second year in a row, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences will not have a host for the Oscar ceremony on Feb. 9th, let's consider other ways the tedious, long, self-congraduatory show can improve.

Red Carpet:

This is actually pretty okay. You get enough flubs in outfits and awkward interviews so that it doesn't need to be changed a bunch.


But you can...

  • Get rid of Ryan Seacrest.

  • Have someone from Stan Twitter interviewing (Maybe Ira or Hunter Harris)

  • Have one of us interviewing! Who volunteers?

  • Have celebrities interview each other (The people at E! aren't, sorry).


Opening Number:

Because ON's are great! Let's have a medly of popular songs set to the theme of the evening: Applauding rich people:

And different rich people will sing each segment, walking onto the stage to deliver their part, and then walking off for the others to follow. For example:

"I'm gonna take my gown to the Gold Town Road,/
gonna promote 'till I can't no more."

"Why film great,/
'till they gotta be great /
We took a diversity test, turns out, /
we're 90% white folks,/
even when we say 'diverse',/
yeah some of us are brunette,/
that's the human in me,/
bling bling, then we dye it,/
that's the money in me."

"I love it when you call me 'nominated',/
love to see my work get celebrated,
the season's been like 'ooh, la la la,", it's true la la la,/
ooh, I should be winning, winning over you."

And we end with whoever is last announcing the first award.

The Speaking of the Nominations

Keep it the same, let the Ominous Voice announce Category, Name, and Film. The actual reveal, however, is different:

  • Each nominee is standing under the stage, all in a line. We can see them standing there via UnderCam patent pending.

  • When the nominees have been announced, the Cam goes off.

  • The winner suddenly pops onto the stage via a mechanism that shoots them upward.



If you break your neck, tough. You got money.

  • Their name, award, and all that is announced.

  • Applause applause applause! Go them!

The Winning!

  • Belowline cast members get 5 minutes to speak.

  • Best Picture winner gets 4 minutes to speak. Less if they talk about their 'beautiful, blue-eyed wife'.

  • Best/Supporting Actress winners get 3 minutes to speak.

  • Best Director/Screenplay winners get 2 minutes to speak

  • Best/Supporting Actor winners get 30 seconds


Picking the Next Presenter

thespockingdead said "I think they should do a Hunger Games-style reaping, and at the beginning of the ceremony, those Academy people who carry the briefcases pull the name of a random celebrity in attendance from a jar, and now that celebrity has to host the rest of the show." over here.  I'm gonna mod that a little:

  • After every win, they do this, not just the beginning of the show.

  • Alternatively, security in the audience will show up, bum rush the next presenter at random, and drag them off to the stage.


The Audience

  • If your date is half your age or younger, whoever is talking on stage at the time will make a joke, asking how "Awards were like in your day,", "Do you have your will ready if things get crazy tonight?", and asking your child bride/husband (but lbr, bride) "Are you tiktoking this?", "Are you excited to give your winter break report on this in 11th grade?"


🙃

  • There are stealth camerapeople in the audience. They have small cameras on lapels or glasses. They look at people and stream them on ABC's official website for reaction gifs.


  • A beach ball is punted throughout the crowd.


  • Crowd is encouraged to livetweet - And said tweets will be displayed on the side of the stage when someone is not giving a speech.

The In Memorium

Notable people get extra facts on their Powerpoint. For example:

"Woody Allen: 4 B.C - 2020:

  • Married his stepdaughter

  • Ya'll had no issue with that"

Halfway through the reading, "🎉That bitch is dead!🎉" pops up over his image.

"Mel Gibson: 1901 - 2020:

  • Had an extremely racist and anti-semetic rant caught on tape

  • Did you care? Maybe for 5 minutes.

  • Another man, another child girlfriend."


There will also be a new segment...

Worst Flicks of The Nominees


  • Self explanatory. In the same style of 'In Memoriandum'. A clip, the title, all that jazz.



What do you have to fear, Mr. Redmayne?


The Performances of Best Original Song Nominees

  • The least likely you are to win, the more likely you are to have a kazoo being your backing music.





I know this won, but no one cares enough to make kazoo covers of unpopular songs!



  • Mass audience singalong if the nominees decide not to show.


The Best Animated Feature Award

  • Every film is played in full because we know 90% of audience members didn't see them. No one is allowed to leave. Voting happens at the conclusion of the last film.

  • In the end, the award is given to "Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse" no matter what.


Streaming Eligibility

  • People involved in streaming movies pushing for awards recognition are given invitations to a secret, more exclusive Oscars party that is also televised.

  • There, they can watch their films lose every major award.

  • It's the Oscars, but nothing has changed for them ☹


and finally...

The Gift Bags!
Dependent on your history; How popular you are in Hollywood, your body of work, how many nominations you had in the past.

Below the Line people:

  • get $2,000

  • $500 in Starbucks giftcards

  • A $1000 Gas Card to be used in about 2 weeks of L.A living.

  • Carefully curated local snacks.

D to B List Actors

  • Get 200$

  • A card saying "We're glad you're here!"

  • Carefully curated local snacks.

A-List Actors Get




How do you want to see the Oscars improve?

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me, other links in the post, vid
Tags: award show - academy awards, ontd original
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