It's time for this week's adventures in dating disasters known as Before the 90 Days! Now with 20% more additional family drama!
Omar and Avery
As always, let's start with my soon to be local girl again Avery and her brooding husband Omar. That's right, Avery is getting ready to head back to Columbus in a few days, and she's not happy about it. Omar takes her on a trip to the beach, where there will be no swimming, but he does give her permission to take her shoes off. Oh boy! Avery says she loves being Lebanon, where she feels more comfortable since all around are people dressed like her, much more so than back home in Columbus. Well, then Avery needs to venture out of the west side more, because I see women daily dressed in hijabs in Columbus. At the gas station. At the Target. At the grocery store. On campus. On the Northwest side of town is a large Islamic Cultural Center. So if Avery is having a hard time finding fellow Muslims in Columbus, she's just not looking hard enough.
Anyway, after a shoes off evening at the beach, Avery and Omar head out to a dinner of cheese and lamb tongue. Or at least those are the items on the menu they discuss. Also up for discussion--why Omar isn't wailing and cursing the skies that Avery has to leave. Instead of spending their last meal together in pleasant, loving companionship, she wants Omar to be crying the entire time. Omar explains to the camera that in his culture, men don't don't cry over stuff like this, so he's keeping his emotions in check. He asks Avery about the visa process, and she says she will know more when she speaks to the immigration lawyer, but she thinks it will take about a year. She then tells the camera Omar is more interested in the visa process vs crying about her leaving, so she wonders if all the things people have been saying about him using her to come to the US are true. He legit asked *one* question. He's hardly been badgering her endlessly about coming to the US. She mentions to him that there's a 1% chance he's using her, and he says he doesn't think they should apply for the visa after all, because he doesn't want people to think that about him. She says she doesn't care, she's applying anyway. He assures Avery he will miss her, but he's still not going to be crying about it.
Rebecca and Zied
Rebecca and Zied are heading to their so beautiful soo maaaccchh getaway in the Sahara desert. Rebecca says Zied is taking her there, but she's driving and she probably paid for it so...is he really taking her there? Zied cracks his own ass up with a lame joke he made up about the desert being Vegas, and chortles like Santa Claus. They arrive at the "Hotel Arabic" as Zied describes it, which seems to be a group of large tents in the middle of the tree filled oasis. Rebecca heads out to the reception area to get some tea, while Zied shows off the $200 cupcake ring he bought to the producer, all proud as if he hadn't actually used money borrowed from Rebecca to buy it. He then starts looking around the room for a hiding place for the ring so Rebecca won't see it. He tries under the mattress....and that's about it. The room is pretty sparse in terms of hiding places. He finally settles for behind the AC unit above the bed. So maach sexy hiding place. He completely overlooked the most obvious hiding place in the entire room, which would be keeping the ring in his fucking suitcase.
In the reception building, Rebecca marvels at the oasis and sips a shot glass of tea. She says she thinks Zied is in this for the right reasons (wrong franchise, sis...as much as you want to be on the Bachelorette it ain't happening!) even though he borrowed $200 from her. However, she's still debating the right time to tell Zied she's still married. At this point, why bother? She's already filed for divorce, so even if she does accept his cupcake ring, it's gonna take at least 6-8 months until Zied's visa is approved, so by then the divorce will be finalized anyway. Something she should already know since this isn't her first divorce, nor her first K1 visa rodeo.
We then cut to the outside of the soo maach beautiful tent of hiding places. We hear Zied yelling at Rebecca about pictures on her phone. Apparently she was trying to show him a picture of her grandkids (cause nothing set the mood for sexy times on vacation like reminding your 26 year old boyfriend that you are a grandma) and he saw a pic of her ex on her phone. This sets off Zied's jealous streak, and Rebecca goes outside to smoke. Rebecca explains to Zied she doesn't want to go back 5 years on her camera roll to delete those pics because she doesn't want to look at them. So she didn't have a pic of her grandkids on her phone more recent than 5 years ago?? Why bother showing off your grandkids if you aren't going to have updated pictures? It's like "Here's my grandson, isn't he cute? This pic was his first day of pre-K. We are really close. He just graduated from medical school last week."
Zied tells the camera he is a jealous and controlling man, so at least he knows his red flags even if Rebecca refuses to see them. He says the ex is in the past, then channels Mikey from The Goonies and declares that it is Zied's time now! Down here, in the Sahara desert, it's his time now! He then shows Rebecca he is over his jealousy by grabbing her behind the neck and forcing her head against his chest in an awkward and unwanted hug. She looks uncomfortable, and I'm hoping he uses deodorant (cause he doesn't appear to use shampoo!) because her face is pretty adjacent to his armpit area.
Tom and Darcey
It's finally time for everyone's favorite desperation couple to leave Albania, but first Darcey has to have one last twin-tat with Stacey. For some reason even though they are fighting, they still take the time to dress alike, right down to the ratty extensions. Darcey not so subtly implies that Stacey is the reason Tom hasn't spoken to her since her meltdown in the bar the previous night, and Stacey snaps back that if Tom is gonna leave, it'll be because of Darcey's issues, not because he had a bad time in Albania. Stacey snits that she just came down here to help Darcey with her luggage, and she'll see her in Connecticut. Then she runs outside to tell Tom that Darcey is in a mood. Darcey follows, and cuts Stacey off when she tries to say goodbye again. Stacey says maybe they'll visit the couple in London sometime...if Darcey doesn't screw this up. "Hahaha yeah if he doesn't walk away" Darcey passive aggressives back. Tom basically calls Darcey out for her toddler behavior toward her sister (but ignores that Stacey poked the bear with her snarky comments) and they get into a cab to head to the airport. Tom tells the camera that the trip gave him a look at what life might be like with Darcey and Stacey, and he doesn't know if he can deal with that. In the cab, Darcey tries to act like it wasn't totally her idea to go to Albania (she begged to go in fact) and plays it off like someone twisted her arm to cancel their previous trip to Gran Canaria and go to Albania instead. This is gonna be an awkward 1700 mile flight back to London.
Back in the UK, Tom takes Darcey to his hometown of Nottingham for the week. Darcey apologizes for her batshit behavior in Albania, and starts to cry, but Tom does at least take her hand and accepts her apology. Darcey is looking forward to seeing where Tom lives, but he tells her he's not taking her to his house, he's rented another Air BNB. In his own town. I guess he doesn't want Darcey to know where he lives after he dumps her. She seems put off by this fact, and he explains to her that his sister lives next door and she's very protective of him. WTF? Does Tom think his sister is going to sneak in and attack Darcey? The two arrive at the Air BNB, where Tom builds a fire and Darcey cuddles up next to him on the couch, still wearing her Greek mariner's cap because she hasn't gotten the twin premonition that Stacey has removed hers yet.
The next day, Tom goes to his sister's house to get his bulldog, and he says his sister and her boyfriend want to meet Darcey at dinner. At dinner, Sister Tom says Darcey is exactly as fake looking as she expected given Tom's previous dates--fake hair, fake boobs, fake persona. Sister Tom knows fake, she's Tom's sister after all. Also, Sister Tom uses the heaviest hand for her blush brush known to man. She's not kidding about being protective--when Darcey says she has no intentions of hurting Tom, Sister Tom is all "Yeah I know, because I WONT ALLOW IT!" She tells the cameras she's pretty sure Darcey won't be the last woman Tom is involved with, but she does soften a bit toward Darcey by the end when Tom admits (when Darcey is in the bathroom of course) that he might be falling for her. When Darcey returns, Tom suggests a follow up date in the future, perhaps dancing. Sister Tom and Darcey bond a bit over their enjoyment of dancing.
Tom tells the camera sometimes he introduces women to his sister because she won't like them so it makes it easier to dump them. Darcey hopes that not the case with her. Tom says it isn't. Darcey still is concerned because she tells Tom she loves him all the time and he never says it back. So she takes this moment to again, on camera, to tell him she loves him. Tom responds....by looking at the camera, Jim Halpert style.
Ben and Akini
It's the morning after Margarita-Gate. After stumbling home and into her bed, Akini sleeps off her alcohol while Ben frets about her being an alcoholic. When she wakes up, he brings her a glass of water and asks her if she remembers last night. Dude, she was tipsy, not blackout drunk! She claims she doesn't, so Ben acts like she was super extra embarrassing as a drunk. We shift into ABC Afterschool Special mode, as Ben takes on the persona of a dad lecturing his 13 year old who was caught sneaking a bottle out of Mom's liquor cabinet. He tells them alcohol will not be a part of their lives going forward, and Akini challenges this by asking him if he drinks. He says he does but not to oblivion. Akini thinks Ben is being a wet blanket and needs to chill out, perhaps with some delicious frosty margaritas.
But no time for hangovers, because what we've all been waiting for is almost here--the ceremony where the Family Akini will clean out Ben's savings and send him packing. But first, before we get to the matter of the bride price, Ben must make an offering of a Target run to the Family Akini. They go to the local market and spend $80 on groceries and supplies as a gift for the family, which some dude straps on his moped and drives away with.
Ben and Akini sit down to discuss the next day's bride price ceremony, and because it's Akini and she loves to make Ben jump through hoops, there's one little tidbit she's been holding back. She tells Ben once he pays the bride price, they are legally married. "No engagement?" Ben asks fearfully. She says nope. Ben pisses his pants and tells her "Well, the US won't recognize that, we need a marriage certificate etc etc" but she tells him it's legally binding in Kenya so basically he's leaving with a wife. Ben hems and haws....he wanted an engagement he could walk away from, not a wife. Later that night he calls his friend in the US (so he can call her, but not his son? Last episode he was upset because he wasn't able to talk to his son since he'd arrived) to get some advice. She basically tells him GTFO now--that he and Akini don't know each other, don't know each other's culture, don't know how to live together, his son doesn't know her...just basically anything someone with common sense would say. Ben's reaction is to cry. I don't know what he's crying about, he can't afford the bride price anyway.
Tim and Jennifer
This toxic disaster is continuing. After a night apart, Tim pockets his bottle of Coca-Cola and heads to a park to meet Jennifer. Jennifer tells him she wanted the man online that she fell for, not the insecure whiny man baby in front of her. Tim asks if he asked her to marry him right now, what would she say. She says she doesn't know, and he thinks that's a problem. I think it's more of a problem you're going to propose when you don't know each other and clearly are into different things, but that's just me. He said he hoped they'd be planning their wedding and future by now. Dude. You can't even bring yourself to sleep with her and you're planning a wedding and family? Tim says he'll try to see things her way, but Jennifer starts crying (with no tears) and says he's not changing. Tim tells the camera that seeing Jennifer cry changed *everything*. You can't fake those emotions, he thinks. You can only fake your Ferrari lifestyle.
The couple then decides to go shopping, and Tim is much more on board with this couple activity. He pushes Violet's umbrella stroller while Jennifer picks out dresses. She has a lot of dresses piled up, but the total is only like $150. Tim thinks that's a cheap price to get out of the dog house, and thinks of another way to prove his love to Jennifer...by letting her talk to his ex Veronica.
Jennifer says she doesn't get this relationship Tim has with his ex, and the fact that they talk daily. The two sit down to Facetime with Veronica and her daughter Chloe. Jennifer tries to be warm and welcoming, but things get weird fast. She asks Veronica if she's still into Tim. Veronica says no (LIES!) and that they are just BFFs. She tells Jennifer she beat all the stupid out of Tim (LIES!) and so Jennifer should be thanking her. She then weirdly asks--in front of her daughter--about their sex life. Jennifer says they are close (LIES) but can always be closer. She tells the camera that she thinks it's weird that Veronica is asking about their sex life. Veronica is too close to Tim, and Jennifer won't have that encroaching on her life of $150 shopping sprees.
Caesar and "Maria"
Caesar is worried about telling his "friends" what happened. The person he needs to be worried about explaining this story to is his boss, who loaned him $2000 to send to "Maria". Something tells me if he finds out it was a scam, his boss is gonna be calling in that loan note post haste. Caesar's friend/manicure client picks him up at the airport, and he tells her that even though "Maria" didn't show, he's totally going to the Ukraine with his chocolate panties. Maybe he can get the government to pay for it if he tells them he'll be going there to investigate Joe Biden. Caesar's friend thinks he's a dumb fuck, and basically tells the camera that. Same, Friend Caesar, same.
Angela and Michael
At the Lagos Travel Inn, Angela and her one deceased egg sit down to Skype with her daughter Skyla. Michael wanders in, and after some chit chat, Angela makes Michael beg for one of Skyla's eggs. Angela wants the baby to be of her bloodline and this is the only way to do it. Skyla once again says "Hell no!" She tells Michael it's probably not healthy for Angela to be totin' a baby, and any egg from her would be her baby and she's not about giving up no babies! Angela offers to pay Skyla for her egg, and Skyla still says no, there's no amount of money that would make her sell her eggs. Angela scoffs and says if someone offered Skyla $1 million dollars she'd sell all her eggs. But Skyla knows Angela doesn't have a million dollars--she couldn't even afford DJ Doug's $5000 goat barbecue wedding. Speaking of, just go ask DJ Doug, I'm sure he can procure an egg for you to tote! After all, he did say all you have to do is tell him your sin and he can accommodate it!
After failure to procure a totin' egg, Michael decides the best way to forget that is to give Angela another drama to focus on. So he calls up The Goofballs (Angela's name), his group of friends whom Angela hates. We then get a replay of The Goofballs' greatest hits, such as calling Michael a good guy, refusing to spill dirt on his past relationships, and being present when Michael called Angela his elder which led to Angela breaking their engagement and storming off the Tell All set. Angela is upset because The Goofballs were loyal to their friend, not some crazy white lady they just met!
While waiting for The Goofballs' arrival, Angela does the most Angela thing she can do--sip a drink from a stretched out crazy straw while simultaneously holding a lit cigarette. Michael asks what she plans to say, and she says she's been waiting for this confrontation for a year, and who knows what will come out of her mouth. Besides cigarette smoke that is. This, we know.
Michael laments that he misses his friends, and while he knows the relationship between them and Angela isn't good, he is hopeful they can talk everything out and get along. Poor, delusional Michael.
The Goofballs(Ringleader Adi, Peter, and a new addition Kuhle) arrive. As soon as they sit down, Angela starts in on Adi and Peter. She tells them they are a problem. Kuhle asks what's going on, and Angela apologizes for her ways, but these two know what they did! Adi just laughs, and Michael tries to explain it's about a party they went to. Angela needed Michael's emotional support while she had almost pneumonia (so...a cold) in the form of him watching her via Skype cough and light up a new cigarette. But instead, his friends insisted he go to a party, and she heard them laughing at her misery during the call. "Who does that?" she asks the camera. Umm, only everyone who watches this show, Angela! You think we want these relationships to work? Nope, we are all here to rubberneck at a train wreck!
Back at the table, Angela claims a real man would have told Michael to stay comforting his woman. Adi says his fiance would never speak to him like this, and Angela roars that she's not his fiance and that's why. Adi tells Angela that in Africa and Angela interrupts to remind him she won't be living in Africa so she doesn't give a shit about what they do here (even though she said a few eps ago this was her second home.) Adi laughs and says she's bossy and controlling. As he laughs about Angela losing her shit, she throws a drink in his face. Adi continues to laugh, but to the camera the Goofballs express they are worried for Michael. If Angela can't control herself here, what will happen in the US? This isn't love, they declare, it's wanting someone to control.
Adi doesn't have any more time for Angela's bullying, so he leaves after Angela says she wanted them at their goat BBQ wedding but now they are uninvited. Yeah, I wouldn't sweat that, Adi. I mean, we all know DJ Doug throws the bomb ass goat BBQing weddings and she couldn't afford him, so it doesn't sound like you're gonna miss much. Michael desperately tries to play peacemaker, but it isn't working and Adi and Kuhle are out of here. Michael pleads for everyone, anyone to calm down, and Angela threatens to break up with him for the millionth time this trip. So he shuts up.
Angela declares Peter to be the only one with sense, because he's been quietly allowing her to rant. He finally speaks up, and tries to use some techniques he picked up from Dr. Phil. He gently asks her what the real issue is, that he senses she's angry about something else and is taking it out on them. He says they did go to this party, and that wasn't wrong. Angela says if he has a girlfriend, he needs to go spend time with her and leave her man alone. Peter declares this to be too much, and he must now take his leave.
Angela cackles and says sarcastically "That went well honey!". Michael just hangs his head, a man truly defeated. All he wanted to do was meet Donald Trump, but at what cost?
Next time: Michael has a death wish and confronts Angela about being respected, Jennifer is thrilled that Tim finally wants to go on an outdoorsy date but expresses to Tim that she thinks he's gay, Avery arrives back in CBus where her parents worry she'll get knocked up in Syria, Ben cries more about being forced into marriage, Caesar reveals he's talked to "Maria" and sent her $2000 more dollars (WTF???) and they are talking about booking a trip to Cuba that will probably coincide with Maria's third cousin twice removed birthday which will fall during the time when Joe Biden attacks the Ukraine 24 hours before the trip so she won't be able to go, Darcey cries while Tom dances, Rebecca finally tells Zied she is married, which he doesn't like sooo maaacchh.