ShannenB (shannenb) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,

Virgins, tears, uteruses, and so much drinking on Before The 90 Days

It's time for another lecture in why being single probably isn't so bad on Before The 90 Days.

Avery and Omar
omar avery.jpg

As normal, let's start with my local girl Avery and her now husband Omar. Mother Avery stormed out of the restaurant upon finding out about Avery's Syrian relocation plans. Omar and Avery chase her down in the parking lot, and Mother Avery goes back and forth between being furious that Avery lied about her plans, and scared for her daughter's future. She can't believe Avery is all "I'm moving to Syria and you can't do anything about it." But...she's an adult, so I guess Mother Avery can't really do anything about it. I think Mother Avery is just now realizing she didn't have as much control over this situation as she thought she did. They convince Mother Avery to come back inside, and Avery lays out the plan for her mom. She's coming back to the US in 5 days, and the first thing she's going to do is get an immigration lawyer and apply for Omar's visa, but if the lawyer tells her it will take a long time, she's going to go to Syria to be with him. Avery says she feels safe because she will be with Omar. Omar assures Mother Avery that he's not taking Avery to the dangerous part of Syria, the part where he lives is totally safe and normal. Even though a couple eps ago he was telling Avery about power outages and water shortages there. Hmm. Mother Avery knows there's no winning this, so she sadly tells the couple she doesn't want to be a downer on their wedding night, and heads off to the airport, while Omar and Avery head to the hotel room so Omar can lose his virginity. Yeah, you heard me. The whole point of this marriage is so Omar can finally get laid. And kiss a girl for the first time. He's also going to finally get to see Avery's hair without her head covering. That's a lot of firsts for Omar in one night, he might actually have to have a change of expression.

The next morning in a post sex haze, Omar takes Avery out shopping, and this girl is a material girl in a material world. She tells the camera she likes clothes, hijabs, makeup...just whatever she can buy, she wants it all! She also wants a future of hanging out with Omar's friends and dancing in Syria's streets, but Omar puts a stop to that dancing idea so fast that he must be from the Syrian equivalent of the town from Footloose. He tells her she's gonna have to be one of those "seen-but-not-heard" wives he's been hearing so much about, but Avery tells him that's just not her. Remember a few weeks back when Mother Avery was all up in Omar's business about hitting his wife? Yeah the look on Omar's face is making me think she might not have missed the mark as much as I originally thought.

Rebecca and Zied
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Rebecca and Zied, clad in his most Grimace looking outfit, toodle down the highway with Zied throwing trash out the car window. Apparently Tunisia doesn't have commercials with crying native Tunisians to remind them not to trash the place. This whole trip is pointless anyway, because they are off to try again to convince Sister Zied to support Zied moving to America, where Rebecca tells him he most definitely will not be allowed to throw trash out car windows. It's a pointless trip because Sister Zied has already made it clear she hates Rebecca and her 3 marriages. But for some reason they think if Zied tells her this alone (and according to Zied if he butters Sister Zied up with a gift) she'll be cool with it. She will not.

Zied goes off to meet his sister, but first asks Rebecca for about $200 American dollars. Rebecca hands him the cash, then freaks out about him asking for so much. Girl, it's $200. It's not like he asked you for $6000 to open a "store". She demands to know what he needs the money for, even though he just told her in the car it was for a gift for his sister. He has apparently also forgotten that conversation, because he just says it's for "Something" and walks off. Rebecca immediately tells the camera he's using her and sits down and starts smoking like she's Angela and just found out Michael walked past a woman on the street.

Zied meets Sister Zied in the market, and surprise...he's using Rebecca's own money to buy Rebecca's engagement ring. Sister Zied thinks this whole thing is stupid, but doesn't stop Zied from plunking down his hard harvested American dollars on an ugly engagement ring that looks like a cupcake. What is it with this show and their $200 engagement rings? At least he didn't buy any chocolate panties to go with it.

Benjamin and Akini
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Now that Ben has the approval of Family Akini, the elders, some random cat on the street, and Jesus himself, he's finally allowed to stop living under the thumb of Brother Akini and move into the Air BNB he's been paying for this whole time. He celebrates the most American way he knows how, with a bowl of BBQ potato chips. Akini arrives and tells him Father Akini thinks she's on a safari so she's clear to stay with Ben for the week. I guess it's sort of true, I mean Ben does have more back hair than most animals you'll see on a safari. Ben says he'll be sleeping on the couch, even though the master bedroom has two beds, because the temptation to get to know Akini in the biblical sense will be too much, and they agreed to wait until they are married. Akini isn't down with that idea, she says she's never met a man who didn't want to sleep with her, and describes various scenarios to Ben that might tempt him, such as walking around in a towel. Ben starts sweating and probably shoots off in his pants.

Later, they take a date to the zoo. Akini asks about Ben's son Grayson, and if Ben takes him to the zoo back home. She wants to know if Grayson will like her, and how Ben plans to introduce them. Ben says he'll be introducing her as his future wife/Grayson's future stepmother. Akini is not down with that idea, and says she's not a mom and implies she doesn't want to be taking care of Ben's kid. I feel like all of this should have been hashed out on day 1 since it's not like Ben didn't know he had a kid. Ben seems kinda pushy about Akini being a mom to his kid, which makes no sense as the kid already has a mother that Ben should making parenting decisions for the kid with. I'm starting to feel he wants Akini as a baby sitter with "benefits".

The couple goes out to dinner, where Ben orders lamb meatballs and a Fanta. A Fanta. That tells you all you need to know about Ben. He eats like a five year old. Akini orders a fish dish and a margarita. *Gasp* Akini takes one sip and declares herself to be so drunk. It's like when a teen drinks a beer and claims to be totally buzzed, then you find out he's drinking an O'Douls. I half expect the waiter to come out and say "Miss, that's just the margarita mix. We use it to feed hummingbirds." But Akini is committed to the drunk act, rolling her head around, refusing to give the dinner prayer because she can't talk to God while she's wasted, toasting to Adam and Eve, and not eating her fish because it might have oil and/or sauce on it. Ben, ever the wet blanket, looks at her disapprovingly as he tells the camera alcohol is not a part of his life on most days. Akini begs for another margarita while Ben cuts her off (is it really cutting someone off after one drink?) and gets teary as he tells the camera Grayson won't be able take care of himself while Akini is passed out in a drunken stuper on his apartment couch in Phoenix. Ben is already signing Akini up for AA meetings. JFC Ben, she was tipsy, if you wanna see drunk and unable to care for someone, head over to Albania...

Darcey and Tom and Gin

It's the last night in Albania for Tom and Darcey, so they decide to head out to dinner with Stacey and Florian. Darcey's girls are exploding out of her dress so much I'm worried she'll topple over before she has a single drink. She takes forever getting dressed, leading to Florian calling her like a dog to get her to come out of the bathroom. They arrive at the restaurant, do a shot, and Stacey intentionally starts trying to get under her sister's skin by making out with Florian at the table. Darcey is upset because Tom doesn't even want to touch her at this point. She snaps at Stacey, and Tom takes Stacey's side telling Darcey to quit blaming her sister for everything. Darcey stumbles off to the bathroom.

At a table outside, Stacey and Tom discuss Darcey and her insecurity. Stacey says Darcey has been burned in relationships in the past, so she's scarred. Tom doesn't care, he doesn't want to have to deal with Darcey's past baggage and says it has nothing to do with him. Florian rescues Darcey from the bathroom, and I have to admit he's being a lot nicer to her than Tom. He's encouraging her, telling her Tom loves her, and trying to pump up her self esteem. Darcey has a complete meltdown, and cries at the table that Tom doesn't love her. Tom asks why she would think that--I mean, aside from the fact that he's been critical of her this entire trip and made it clear he blames her for dragging him to Albania in the first place. She says she doesn't think she's good enough for him, and Tom is pretty much just like "Sounds like a personal problem to me." Harsh much, Tom? Although I guess I can't blame him, Darcey is a full blown mess at this point. Darcey is starting to realize she's heading home without a fiance or even a relationship at this point.

Tim and Jennifer

It's the morning after....when Tim and Jennifer didn't have sex. That's right, Tim still can't pull the trigger, so I'm guessing there were some issues of the erectile nature happening. He says he was too in his head and he couldn't stop replaying his last relationship ending and that's why his probable micropenis couldn't stand at attention. Jennifer is just about over this shit, and is not too happy with Tim. That unhappiness escalates when she takes Tim on to a national park on a nature hike. Tim complains about *everything*. He complains about the walking. He complains about parrots. He complains about the heat. Look, I feel you Tim, I hate all of those things too. But clearly Jennifer is the active, outdoorsy type, and Tim is the medical day spa followed by manicures and brunch type. He's metro to the max and he is never going to have anything in common with Jennifer. These two should not be dating. The only climax this couple is getting is when they reach the top of the hiking trail. Jennifer wants to go on some two person sex swing over a cliff, and Tim refuses. He's deathly scared of heights, which I understand. I am too, and therefore I don't do amusement park rides, so my future husband Chris Evans is just going to have to deal with that during the annual Evans family trip to Disney World, OK? He can ride Space Mountain while I go get a Dole Whip. LOL! But Jennifer is having none of that and rips into Tim, calling him a pussy and a coward and everything else she can think of. She tells him to go back to the US, she doesn't need to be wasting time with him. Tim tells the camera being disrespected is the fastest way to get him mad, and he's tired of being emasculated by Jennifer's expectations of a man.

Caesar and "Maria"
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*Finally* it's time for Caesar to leave Cancun. He keeps calling "Maria", with no answer. He packs up his chocolate panties (yes, you can see them in his suitcase, he's not leaving them behind!) and heads for the airport. He tells the camera he blames himself for this trip---not because he was a fool who got conned by a website dating scam, but because if only he'd had the correct funds on his credit card so the ticket hadn't been cancelled, "Maria" would be here right now. Caesar continues on his side vacation to Delusion Land by saying he and "Maria" are just on a break right now. He says he'll give her a week without trying to call her, and then he'll reach out and patch things up so they can be off their break, and then he'll start saving money to go to the Ukraine. Caesar flies off into the sunset, and into season 2 of The Other Way, I'm guessing. Cause no way TLC isn't going to fund this trip to meet "Maria", especially if "Maria" turns out to be a 52 year old housewife posing as a 22 year old Insta-model.

Angela and Michael

Back at the Lagos Travel Inn, Angela power smokes while dipping her toes in the pool. Michael joins her, and she sarcastically tells him how much she loved Mama Michael's dose of honesty, especially the part where she told him he'd need to impregnate someone else to carry on the family name. She asks him if this really is something that happens in his culture, and he says yes--if women can't have babies the men have to go have them with their side chicks (his words, not mine.) Hasn't Angela been on Maury before? She should know all about men having babies with side chicks then! Anyway, Angela is upset that Michael would even consider having a baby with someone else. She wants him to say that he won't because he only wants a baby with *her*, not because he's gonna have a baby just to have a baby. She tells him if he thinks she will let him do that, he has another thing coming. She tells him since he's young, he has plenty of time to do that after she's dead and buried.

This whole advertisement-for-teaching-reproductive-biology-in-school story line then shifts to a fertility clinic, where Angela and Michael are going for a consultation about their baby producing options. I'm thinking the options are Zero and None. Wouldn't it be hilarious if Michael was the one who was infertile thanks to the chemicals from the dye seeping into his crotch from the cheaply made in China Donald Trump boxers Angela's been having him wear?

They meet with the doctor, who takes Angela's basic health information (aka, terrible) and asks her when her last period was. She says maybe 7 months ago. 7 months? Even though that's a lie and it's probably been more like 7 years...if you haven't had a period in 7 months and you are 53 years old YOU ARE IN MENOPAUSE! Yes, I know the medical definition is 12 months, but YOU ARE 53 YEARS OLD AND IN MENOPAUSE! The doctor closes her file because she knows this is a massive waste of everyone's time.

But, because TLC is funding this clinic for the rest of the year I'm guessing, we proceed on to the ultrasound. What I am taking from this procedure is the importance of moisturizing and proceed to coat my face with an entire bottle of Oil of Olay Regenerist. The doctor looks all around Angela's woman parts and tells Angela she's got exactly one egg. Angela is all whoopin' and a hollerin' that she's still able to have a baby, but the doctor tells her not so fast--that egg is probably as expired as the eggs in the gas station dairy case. She does tell Angela she has a beautiful uterus with no fibroids (bullshit--she smokes at least a pack a day and is overweight, there's no fucking way she doesn't have at least one fibroid.) "So I can tote it?" Angela asks. The doctor confirms she can tote an egg, so now I guess it's off to pressure her daughter some more for an egg.

Next time: Zied and Rebecca go camping and he doesn't like soo maaccchh to see a photo of her ex on her phone. Caesar has to face the ridicule of his friends knowing he's an idiot. Ben gets some advice on Akini's refusal to mother his kid. Omar dismisses Avery's 1% chance that he could be using her for a green card. Tim keeps trying but Jennifer is checked out. Angela and Michael continue on this farce of a storyline about reproduction.

Tags: 90 day fiance, reality show, television - tlc
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