ShannenB (shannenb) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,

Cake swindlers need not apply on 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days

Settle in on your couch,get your juice box, and let your mom tickle your ear, cause it's time for another episode of 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days!

Avery and Omar
omar avery.jpg

As usual, we'll start with my local girl Avery. Honestly, nothing really happened with them this week. The wedding is tomorrow and Mother Avery has finally snapped at the idea of her daughter marrying Omar. Omar and Avery are enjoying a relaxing, pre wedding evening of practicing writing their names in Arabic, when Mother Avery swoops into the hotel room, says she's tired, and Omar needs to hit the road. But there will be no sleeping in the hotel room tonight, because as soon as Omar closes the door, Mother Avery is reminding Avery she still has a chance to back out, then proclaims Omar is using Avery for a visa. Avery rolls her eyes and declares "If all he wanted was a visa, he could have gotten anyone here." Mother Avery is all look around, we're here aren't we??? They argue about where Avery and Omar will live post marriage, with Mother Avery again declaring that Syrians can't go anywhere else in the world, while Avery reminds her she has no problem living in any number of Muslim countries that need Omar's dental skills, such as Dubai or places like that. She claims that if she tells Omar right now that they aren't going to be living in the US, he won't have a problem with it, and goes to Omar's room to prove Mother Avery wrong. Suddenly, it's becoming super obvious that this whole thing is really just Avery acting out for Mother Avery's attention. Avery knocks on Omar's door, but he's not in. Avery doesn't seem at all concerned that her fiance is out gallivanting around the night before his wedding in a country he doesn't live in without telling anyone he's leaving, and Avery stomps back into her room to fling herself on her bed and tell Mother Avery the wedding is happening, so deal with it.

Rebecca and Zied
rebecca zied.jpg

While wandering around a spice market looking for a gift for Zied's sister, Rebecca claims that even though the dinner with Zied's parents was awkward, she thinks they liked her. Well, I wouldn't go *that* far. It was more like they aren't going to stand in Zied's way if it makes him happy. Speaking of happiness, Rebecca is thrilled with the tiny pickles available at the market, so she's not a size queen at least. Zied, dressed in a super bright yellow shirt that's 5 sizes too small so it makes him look like a microwaved Peep, shows her a string of dried hearts and tells her his sister is cooking macaroni when Rebecca tries to select spices Sister Zied can use in tonight's meal. They settle on a few spices, and as they are leaving a street cat uses a bin of spices or rice as a litter box. Well that's one way to counteract the litter box smell I guess.

They arrive at Sister Zied's, and Rebecca hands her the bag of spices in a plastic grocery bag. Seriously Rebecca, you're driving the car. You couldn't have stopped off at a local store and grabbed some kind of gift box or bag or something to made it look like you put in some effort? Anyway, on the way to the apartment Rebecca asked that Zied not leave her alone with his sister. So what's the first thing Rebecca does? Follow Sister Zied into the kitchen, then be upset because Zied (who is setting
the table) left her alone with his sister. She tries to engage Sister Zied in small talk, but Sister Zied is having none of it. She wants to know what Rebecca loves about her brother, and I'm not sure if she's asking because she's curious, or because she can't believe anyone would actually be into her brother. Rebecca can't name one specific thing she loves about this guy, which might be a problem. Sister Zied then reminds Rebecca that Zied has a family here so why should he make the sacrifice to move to the US when Rebecca makes no sacrifice. Has she seen her brother? That's the sacrifice right there.

The three sit down to an awkward lunch. Zied explains to his sister that Rebecca said she can help him get a job in the US. I didn't realize the attaching-GPS-trackers-to-cars-PI-game was such an in demand business that Rebecca needs an assistant. When questioned, Rebecca reveals she's been married 3 times before, and I sort of feel bad for her as she's embarrassed with Sister Zied openly making fun of her for that fact. Rebecca tells the camera she's still hiding a secret from Zied, and it's a different one than the fact that she's still married, and it's totally outlawed by Zied's culture. Damn, everyone on this show has more skeletons in their closets than a closed down Halloween store!

Later, Zied takes Rebecca to an outdoor hookah bar overlooking the ocean, and it is really pretty. Rebecca decides to come clean with Zied and tells him that in the past, she's had a relationship with a woman! She says she's not looking for a relationship with women now, it's just something that happened. Zied is sort of angry, but he says it's in her past before him so there isn't too much he can do about it. He assures her he still loves her, but they can never ever ever ever let his parents know about this, that is only for he and Rebecca to know. And the millions of people watching. I guess he figures his parents are never going to have cable or internet access to view this clip.

Tim and Jennifer

Tim asks Jennifer to bring Violet to the park, so they can talk about his Colombian ex. He tells her it was a serious relationship and he didn't get closure, but this shouldn't affect their relationship, and he will be more honest with her in the future. Jennifer forgives him, because she's still under the impression that he's some kind of rich baller in America. Tim tries to push Violet on a merry go round in the park, but can barely get enough of a breeze going to ruffle her hair.

They decided to go sightseeing since Tim's 5 previous trips to Colombia didn't include that. They take the gondola lift up the mountain to see the El Santisimo statue, which Google tells me is the tallest Jesus statue in the Americas. It's OK, I guess...I mean, it's no Touchdown Jesus. Tim tries really hard to keep his shit together since he's afraid of heights, while Jennifer laughs because Violet is taking this trip a lot better than Tim is. They reach the top, and stop so Violet can have a bottle. Tim praises Jennifer's mothering skills, and asks if she wants more kids. She says she'd like to have one more and have it be a boy. Tim says that he thinks they'd make a beautiful baby together. Jennifer tells the camera it's weird that Tim is talking about them having kids when he hasn't even tried to kiss her yet, so she's not sure he understands how babies are made. I'm pretty sure the only way the two of them would have a beautiful baby would be if Tim were 100% removed from the process altogether, so maybe his reluctance to have sex with her is a good thing.

Ben and Akini
ben akini.jpg

After the disaster of Ben being ghosted by Father Akini, which is something Ben should be used to since he says he's been ghosted all the time at the non creepy Olive Garden in Phoenix, Akini is outside crying. Ben tries to comfort her, but she tells him she wants to be alone and to go away for a bit. So now Ben is in the awkward position of having to go ask Brother Akini, who according to Akini was just talking shit about him, if they can go back home to his place. Ben, just pack up and head to the Air BNB you paid for, dude. Brother Akini pretty much greets this news with a "So, clearly you fucked up again, Benjamin. You need to take stock of why you are such a fuck-up. This is the second time you've messed up in the 2 days I've known you." Ben feels like he can't challenge Brother Akini's accusations, because he still needs Brother Akini on his side, now more than ever. So Ben agrees he messed up somehow and Brother Akini says he will figure out what to do about Akini tomorrow.

The next morning, Ben seeks self comfort by singing every single flagged hymn in a song book off key and out loud. Hope Brother Akini isn't trying to sleep! Dean is all of us watching this. After exchanging texts, Ben and Akini meet outside, and he asks what Brother Akini said. She said he basically accused her of bringing shame on their family because she brought Ben home and Father Akini wasn't interested in meeting him. She says in their family they don't talk about things and Ben shouldn't make her try to talk about this. He says they need to resolve their communication if they are gonna make this
work. I'm starting to feel bad for Ben because he can't see they are making him jump through these hoops for their own entertainment.

Darcey and Tom

Darcey and Tom are taking their show on the road to Albania. Tom's sex induced ankle gout is back, so he can't help Darcey haul her 15 suitcases to the curb. Is she never coming back from Albania to need this much luggage? She's excited to see show off to Stacey, while Tom hates everything about this trip. However, keep calm and carry on, stiff upper lip and all of that.

After rolling off an all day flight, all Tom wants to do is go to the hotel and sleep, but Stacey insists they meet immediately at a restaurant. Darcey starts unloading all of her bags outside the restaurant in search of a pair of heels that will make her taller than Stacey, even though they'll both be sitting down. WTF? Tom thinks this whole thing is annoying, especially since Stacey and her fiance Florian are like an hour late (and not responding to any of Darcey's "Where the hell are you" texts) and Tom is about to gnaw his gout ankle off in hunger. Stacey and Florian show up and Darcey confirms Florian looks like his photos while nobody can say the same about Tom. Tom peevishly lets them know he's been waiting endless hours for them to arrive and he's not happy. Darcey isn't happy because Stacey is wearing an outfit *she* planned on wearing later and now Tom already knows what she looks like in it. Tom and Florian go have a smoke and are all "LOL Twins right" while Stacey tells the camera she is getting Jessie-vibes from Tom.

The next day they go sightseeing to an old bridge. It is rather pretty, and not at all as Communist as Tom imagined Albania would be. Florian mentions people come here to get wedding pictures taken, and Tom asks if this is where Florian proposed. Darcey hears "propose" out of Tom's mouth and starts theorizing that this is where Tom will be popping the question. Tom meanwhile is thinking that Darcey is trying to replicate her sister's already engaged relationship even though he and Darcey just met a few days ago.

Tom's point is proven less than a minute later when Darcey and Stacey begin trying to one up each other on wedding plans, passive aggressively being happy for each other but not really. The fact that Darcey isn't even engaged doesn't stop her from feeling that Stacey is already trying to sabotage her wedding somehow. Darcey starts melting down and getting ready to cry again, but tries to pull it together because Tom looks like he's ready to jump in the water and swim back to London.

Caesar and "Maria"
cesar maria.jpg

Caesar is still in Cancun with his candy g-strings and Diamonique-chip engagement ring. He calls "Maria", and tells her he's working this out and to just get on the plane that he's gonna get her a ticket for. "Maria" refuses, telling him she's tired of this and she will not be getting on any plane. "Maria", like any good con artist, knows when the game is up and Caesar's plane ticket getting cancelled for non sufficient funds is a pretty good indication that he's out of money, so she's tapping out. She's also got cons she's running on other guys, and she can't risk showing up in Cancun so those other guys can see she's actually a 53 year old downtrodden housewife with six kids. Caesar tries again to convince her of all he's doing for her, but "Maria" doesn't have time for this shit because she's got 2 other guys on the phone line and one waiting for a text chat at the call center, and she can't be screwing around with Caesar's broke ass any more. She reads him the riot act, accuses him of always playing the victim, and says maybe in the next life they'll be together but in this life they are done. Caesar pulls all his acting skills to the forefront as he wanders to the balcony, and forces a single tear down his face as he laments that everyone will be laughing at him. Damn right we are, Caesar.

Angela and Michael

Angela's been in Nigeria all of not even two full days and she's already having it up to here with Michael. She gets a ride back to the hotel with her one true love--a lit cigarette, complaining to the driver the whole way about Michael's lying. Michael follows back to the hotel, where he finds her in the hotel bar having a huge beer and a smoke. He offers her a warm bottle of Coke from the back of his car, but she slaps it out of his hand and tells him he has 2 seconds to get his shit out of her room. He won't go get his stuff or leave the hotel, so she goes up to the room and throws his shit out into the hall. I relate to Angela's struggle to find a bra that fits, because she's quad-boobing all over the place during this scene.

The next day, Angela decides she won't be moping around the hotel all day, so she goes down to the front desk to ask about getting her hair done. Michael, instead of going home, has been sleeping in his car in the hotel parking lot and takes a water bottle shower next to his car. He sees Angela heading out the door to the hair salon the desk clerk suggested, and tries to convince her to talk to him. She tries to have security shut him inside the hotel gates, and when that fails, she agrees to wait for him while he goes back to get the car to give her a ride to the salon. It's all a ruse though, because when Michael leaves to get the car, she ghosts him by continuing on her merry way to the hair salon down the street.

Angela orders some braiding at the hair salon, and tells her troubles to the salon owner, who is sympathetic but also thinking "This white bitch is crazy!" Michael pulls up outside the salon, and he's toting a cake. He says since bringing Angela a cake got him out of trouble before, it'll work again. She tells the salon owner she doesn't want him coming in here, and thinks he's trying to swindle her because she likes cake. The salon owner asks Michael to wait outside, so he and his melting pink cake and his black socks with flip flops wait by the car. Angela and her unfortunate braids that make her look like she's sporting a George Costanza hairline exit the salon, and Michael tries to present her with the cake again. She takes the lid off and it looks like she's going to dig in, but suddenly Michael gets a face full of cake. Angela will not be manipulated by cake ya'll! At least not a tiny one layer cake, that is.

Next week: Ben shits his pants as he comes face to face with full on Father Akini who thumps his own Bible so hard he makes Ben look like an atheist, Tom starts pushing Darcey away physically at least and she blames Stacey, Caesar tries to run away from the cameras to show he can do action roles, Tim has to face his biggest fear of getting dirt under his nails doing ranch work, Jennifer tries to keep Tim from bolting when she touches his thigh, Angela yells at Michael some more, and Avery needs court approval to marry Omar.

FYI that image at the beginning of the post is how Colt and Debbie watch this show on Pillow Talk. *gross.*

Tags: 90 day fiance, reality show, television - tlc
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