Your weekly dose of “At least I haven’t sunk to this to avoid being asked why I am still single at the family reunion” otherwise known as 90 Day Fiancé Before The 90 Days!
Omar and Avery
As normal, let’s start off with my local girl Avery. Now that the wedding dress has been purchased, Avery is ready to proceed with the wedding. She heads over to Omar’s room, in full on wedding planner mode, telling him they have a lot to do today, such as meeting with the Sheikh who will be performing their wedding ceremony, since the wedding is ya know…*tomorrow*.
Omar is all “Yeah…about that….” and Avery is handed her first lesson of married life, which is that you give your husband a honey-do list, he’s gonna ignore it. Apparently she had previously tasked Omar with some of the minor details of the wedding, such as finding a venue and someone to marry them. You know, minor, petty details. And Omar assured her he was all over it, that he had it handled but he didn’t. First, Omar tries the sympathy route, saying it’s hard for him to call places from Syria because, you know, war. And he tried to call some people but nobody answered anywhere he called. But Avery’s not buying those excuses and she yells some more. He calmly asks why she’s yelling. She snaps at him that she needs the marriage certificate to start his spousal visa process as soon as she gets back to the US. They try to call a few Sheikhs, but the phone just rings. Apparently none of them have cell phones or voicemail. Avery is upset that Omar isn’t more upset, but let’s be real—Omar didn’t want to pull the trigger on the wedding planning until they met, and after the tense dinner with Mother Avery he’s probably re-thinking this whole thing.
Avery morphs back into a petulant 19 year old, rolling her eyes with a “Whatever” and stomps back to her room. Mother Avery asks what’s wrong, and Avery throws herself into a side chair, declaring they aren’t getting married. Now, you’d think Mother Avery would be like “Great! Delta, how much to change our tickets to leave today?” but instead she’s annoyed they flew halfway around the world and Omar didn’t have his shit together. She then suggests going to mosques in the city to see if they can find some help with the situation. WTF? I mean, here’s her out and she’s not taking it. Mother Avery explains it is better to go along with it while she has some control over the situation because Avery is gonna do this even if Mother Avery says no.
Mother Avery, Omar, and Avery wander the streets until they find a mosque, and ask the first guy they see (without even confirming that he is even associated with this mosque) about getting married. Mother Avery is not dressed to enter a mosque, so she has to pull on some coverings from the community lost and found bin, and TBH she looks like ET in Elliot’s bike basket. The guy tells them that he can’t marry them and the Sheikh is out of town but he’ll be back on Monday to marry them.
Avery and Omar then sit down to discuss the matter of Avery moving to Syria. She asks the important questions everyone should ask before moving to a country in the throes of a violent civil war such as “Do they have makeup there?” Omar gently tries to give her a reality check, telling her the situation in Syria is difficult, things like power and water can be cut off for long periods of time and as someone not used to things like that this will be hard for her. Avery assures him that she’s used to the power going out, because of course the power going out for 2 hrs during a thunderstorm in OH is the same as the power going out because your building just got bombed. Omar tells the camera that sometimes Avery is immature and while he wants her to move to Syria with him, he worries she can’t handle it and will cut and run. They then discuss telling Mother Avery and Avery tries to pawn it off on Omar. Omar is like “Hell to the no!” They decide to tell her together but after they are married because Mother Avery will scream, cry, leave and not have a good reaction in any way.
Rebecca and Zied
We pick up Grandma and the Doughy Winter Solder’s exploits right where we left them, arguing with some guy in the club who insists “I look as I want!” about Rebecca’s tattoos. Rebecca tries to discuss this with Zied but he just sits there pouting, blowing out hookah smoke and exuding more grease from his scalp. Rebecca again worries about telling him she is
married. Zied worries he will have to leave Rebecca if she doesn’t start listening to him. Apparently her comprehending skills were much better when they communicated mainly by emoji.
The next day they prepare to go meet Zied’s super conservative parents. After trying to discuss Zied’s jealous rages, Zied lists off all the things Rebecca will have to lie about to his parents, such as drinking and sexing him up, but she doesn’t know how to lie without ring lights and filters. He also insists she wear a traditional Tunisian jilbab topped with a purple vest. Zied, meanwhile, will be wearing a stretched out cable knit sweater and jeans 4 sizes too small. When he gets out of the car, he assaults our eyes with his major muffin top. Seriously guys, the button on his jeans has to be holding on for all it’s worth! Rebecca is the first woman Zied has ever brought home so this is sure to be a mess!
Caesar and “Maria”
Caesar is in Cancun, and is hot on the case of his missing
Oh and BTW, while looking for a pic of these panties, I discovered edible chocolate anuses are also a thing and if I have to know that because of Caesar’s stupid fraudulent storyline, then so do you! LOL!
Caesar dances in front of the mirror exactly like how you’d imagine someone who spent $195 on an engagement ring for a fake person dances:
and heads out to the pool. At the swim up bar he encounters a family from Iowa and tells them all about “Maria” and how he’s going to propose. The teen son tells him he’s being catfished but Caesar says to the camera he knows in his heart “Maria” is not a catfish, even though he hasn’t heard from her in like 5 days and when he tries to call her (after seeing she’s online) he gets no answer. It’s because she’s flying here, Caesar tells himself. Delusion springs eternal.
Darcey and Tom
Darcey takes a break from crying (but not from throwing out wedding innuendos every chance she gets) to learn Tom’s favorite sport. No it’s not posing at 45 degree angles, it’s cricket. On the way to the cricket lesson, she tells him she wants to scrap their planned romantic trip to a warm island getaway to instead travel to Albania to meet Darcey’s twin Stacey and her younger, model looking fiancé. Somehow I think this is a boyfriend walk-off that Tom is going to lose. Tom is confused as to why anyone would want to visit Albania but Darcey insists they are so close to it they have to go. Google Maps says it’s more like 1700 miles away from London but whatever. Tom says he will go but says they have to stay in a suite, probably thinking the trip will fall apart due to the absence of suites.
Later over cheesecakes and wine, they engage in some awkward flirting and feeding each other. Darcey is so OTT appreciative about the most minor of things that Tom finally calls her out and says when she’s such an emotional babbling mess it comes off as insincere and fake. Darcey can’t believe anyone would think any part of her is fake. She says she’s starting to feel insecure (starting???) and wonders if she should pull back emotionally.
Oh and they still haven't had sex, which she also can't believe.
Tim and Jennifer
Tim wins his way back into Jennifer’s good graces the usual 90 day way—with a bunch of gifts from America! He takes her to his Air BNB and gives her all sorts of clothes still in their plastic from Amazon. Jennifer tells the camera she’s not super attracted to Tim physically but he’s a family man (and buys her gifts) and that’s important to her. Later they go out to dinner alone, and she says her family wouldn’t respect him if he wasn’t a man’s man who would get out there on the farm and work in the dirt (I though her family were boxers not farmers.) Tim’s clear coat manicured soft hands have never touched dirt a day in their life. Jennifer declares him a pussy.
Tim hopes they can at least share a kiss and hopes to accomplish this by inviting her back to his air BNB for a hot steamy night of...gold eye masks. Jennifer is confused by Tim’s refusal to make a move on her even after she firmly backs her ass right up on his crotch in bed with no response from Tim. Jennifer wonders to the camera if he might be gay.
Akini and Ben
Akini and Ben get in the cab to leave the airport, and Akini has a surprise for Ben. The probably non refundable Air BNB Ben rented will have to go unused, because he’s going to be staying with Akini’s brother all week! Ben doesn’t even get a chance to drive by the place he's already paid for before being hustled off to face an interrogation from a bunch of people he’s never met! Ben has no idea what to say when faced with Brother Akini, and a bunch of Akini adjacent relatives. They ask him about himself and the best Ben can do is say that he’s from the desert of Phoenix. Akini presents Ben with a beaded bracelet and gets upset when he doesn’t whip out a gift for her. Strike one! Brother Akini is not impressed and can straight up tell Ben has no money.
Akini and Ben make out in the guest room and that’s the most action Ben is gonna get on this trip. Brother Akini grills Ben about his divorce and tells him the fact that his ex wife is alive is a problem because they don’t do divorce. He explains that Ben will need Brother Akini a lot if he wants to marry Akini and this is starting to feel like a shakedown.
Angela and Michael
Angela is doing some last minute packing for Nigeria, and brings her daughter in to show off what she bought for Michael at the local sex shop. What is it with people and sex gifts on this show, and sharing said sex gifts with their adult children??? Skylar doesn’t want to hear about the Donald Trump boxers (two pairs, one where Trump is over the crotch, and one with Trump declaring said boxer contents to be huge), how huge Michael’s penis is, see the lotion Angela bought for said penis, nor does she want to see the sex whip Angela is packing.
Over in Nigeria, Michael’s friends are razzing him about being a kept man, because Angela made him quit his job so they say she’s wearing the pants in this relationship and that’s why he can’t hang out with them anymore (even though they are hanging out while having this convo so...?) Michael brushes off their taunts because he’s got his eye on the prize of moving to America and becoming BFF with Donald Trump. It will be awkward when Donnie invites him for a sleepover and see's his face on the crotch of Michael's boxers.
As they head to the airport Angela’s small granddaughter says she needs to stop going to Nigeria. The kids on this show are more aware than the adults I swear!
Angela and her bags of sex toys and Trump gear arrive hootin’ and hollerin’ and pouring sweat in Nigeria, and when she and Michael embrace she declared he’s gotten fat and is all about grabbing his booty.
They get in the car and I’m cracking up as Angela is all “I’m back home in my second country...hold on...” and lights up a cigarette lol! Some dudes in a van pull up next to them and suddenly Michael jumps out of the car! He’s yelling something about them putting iron spikes on the car. Angela is all “Oh hell no!” and jumps out of the car to throw herself into the middle of the Nigerian street fight that is forming! Yikes! She doesn’t lose her
grip on her cigarette though! Priorities!
Next week: Darcey meets one of Tom’s exes and cries about it. Caesar prepares to go to the airport to get “Maria” when she calls with her newest excuse as to why she’s not there. Ben prepares to meet Father Akini. Mother Avery tells Omar she will not allow him to take Avery to another country. Rebecca goes full on bull in a china shop at Zied’s parents, breaking stuff as soon as she sets foot in the house. Father Zied sees her tattoos but he will not look as he wants!