Avery and Omar
First, as usual, we're gonna check in with my local girl Avery, and her might actually be a dentist fiance Omar. After last week's drama at the airport, Avery and her mom board their flight sans Avery's phone. I'm delighted to see that even when flying to Lebanon, you're still leaving the Columbus airport by Gates B29-B30. That's right, no matter where your destination, enjoy walking past the multiple gates that seem to be for decoration only at the John Glenn International Airport, because you will *always* be leaving from the very last fucking gate in the entire airport.
While Avery is flying the 30+ hours to meet her love, we catch up with Omar. He seems nice enough. He explains how Syria used to be beautiful, but now it's a place of war which breaks his heart and he's lost many friends to the war. However, since he met Avery online, life has become beautiful again, and he appreciates that she chose the Muslim culture instead of being born into it. However, he doesn't appreciate her wild child pre-Muslim days and doesn't want to think or talk about those.
Avery and her mom arrive, their luggage is delayed, but Avery doesn't care because she gets to see her man. They hug, but no kissing before the wedding. They are both very pleased with each other's physical appearance. Avery's mom flits around like a gnat they both want to swat at then decide to ignore. Mom makes this impossible though, by being critical of the cab driver drifting out of his lane, declaring she will have to go drink at a club alone since Avery and Omar don't do that, and just being a general annoyance. Avery and Omar will be staying in separate rooms, and Avery assures her mom she will be coming home after the wedding (mom is only staying there for a few days) but she totally is not.
Rebecca and Zied
Rebecca navigates traffic in Tunisa, and freaks out that someone outside their hotel is checking under their car for a bomb. I'm not sure if Zied is just slow, high, or both, but he just assures her this is all OK and everything is "soooo beautiful...." In the hotel room, Rebecca gifts Zied with a scarf she knitted for him, then shows him the lace lingerie she bought to wear for him, and Zied admits to the camera he's nervous about having sex with Rebecca because she's a grandma. And she hasn't had sex in a year. Don't worry though, Grandma and the Doughy Winter Soldier (coming soon to Disney +) still totally get it on. Luckily our eyes are spared. After, they go out to a hookah bar where Zied reveals he has only had one other girlfriend who he now hates, and he gets super jealous, and Rebecca is wondering how to tell him that she's technically still married to her last attempt at finding love via the K1 dating pool.
Darcey and Not!Jessie
Darcey arrives in London to meet Tom, but we still have to hear about her ex Jessie 9 million times before she does. The poor cab driver assigned to drive her around is forced to wait for 45 minutes outside the airport ladies room like a weirdo, while Darcey gets ready to meet her man. This includes blowing hot air up her own ass via the hand dryers, changing clothes, brushing her teeth and 150 spritzs of various perfumes everywhere. It's all for nothing though, because while she's expecting to meet a Colin Firth type at the restaurant, we discover Tom knows how to work his IG angles and is in reality more like a Party City Post Halloween Discount Bin Colin Firth. Tom works for a sportwear/fitness line booking models, but doesn't look like he hits the gym very often. He fashions himself a dashing man about town who finally needs to settle down, and he's hoping he can make it work with Darcey. He even has decided they won't fall into bed immediately and instead should respectfully try to get to know each other better first. Darcey, who isn't even attracted to him but is so desperate to make this work that she pretends she is, takes being asked to sleep in a separate room as an insult.
Angela and Michael
Angela decides it's high time to check in with a immigration attorney about this K1 Visa thing she's decided to embark on with apparently no research. She's stunned to find out that she's gonna have to pay thousands of dollars more to get him over here *and* be responsible for him for 10 years if this doesn't work out! That's baby egg totin' money ya'll! Her lawyer tells her to think about it carefully, but if it doesn’t work he also handles divorces for her one stop convenience.
Angela also furious that Michael told her he'd wait two weeks to celebrate his birthday until she visited him in Nigeria, but then went out and celebrated anyway and didn't answer her 5000 calls/texts! She talks her co-worker Tommy's ear off about this, and Tommy regrets ever asking "Hi Angela, how's your day going?" She then goes home to call and yell at Michael some more, and Michael probably wonders if anyone anywhere has ever had to work this hard to get to America just to meet Donald Trump.
Ceasar and “Maria”
Ceasar, his $195 “diamond” ring, and his pairs of chocolate panties are ready to start packing to meet “Maria”, who I still maintain is not a real person. They are supposed to meet up in Mexico as soon as “Maria” buys her ticket which she totally promised to do. But now there is a snafu bigger than the Russia/Ukraine war preventing her from leaving—it’s the lack of a manicure! Even though Ceasar sent her $2000 to buy her plane ticket, “Maria” now claims she can’t buy her ticket with that money because then she will not have money to
Ben and Akinyi
A new couple! We meet our last couple(I think) for this season. Ben is a 33 year old divorced dad who has a 5 year old son. Ben works at an alternative energy company and is studying to be a minister. Ben has to penny pinch, which he does by taking the bus everywhere, eating bologna sandwiches with the crusts cut off (with a side of Doritos and a Twinkie!) and saving on anniversary gifts by getting divorced on his anniversary (her choice not his.) Ben has been ghosted at the very non creepy Olive Garden by every woman in the greater Phoenix area. So he defiantly sets the parameters on his dating app to “Worldwide” and meets Akinyi, a 26 year old from Nairobi. He, unlike Ceasar, asked for proof that Akinyi was a real live woman by asking her to send him a picture of her doing the Spock sign, which she did.
Even though everyone normal in his life thinks he’s crazy, Ben is flying to Nairobi to meet Akinyi and her family. But I sense they are not on the same page, as in her culture meeting the family means you are getting married and Ben just wants to see if they get along. Ben video chats with Akinyi, who has a baby voice like an 10 year old. She says if Ben insults her family by doing things like not taking off his shoes, her dad will chase him with a machete. Also he needs to bring money because there is the little matter of the bride price Ben will have to pay, but Akinyi tells him not to worry they will totally go over that with him and tell him how much it is when he gets here but be sure to bring all your money. 🚩 Which in Ben’s case is all of $1000, which definitely won’t be enough to buy a bride. Guess he should cut coupons like Ceasar.