"Please Stay In Your Assigned Lane": A hastily thrown together recap of meeting Captain America

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I wasn't going to do this really at all, but a few people (I mean, literally *tens* of people) wanted me to do a convention write up, so I will.

So, this past weekend I attended the Ace Comic Con convention in Seattle, and came face to face with my future husband Chris Evans (and Jeremy Renner, and Taron Egerton, and a fake Captain America too.)


But before I go on, yes--I am old, fat and ugly and this con was expensive and sometimes Chris is Masshole trash, I'm aware of all of those things.

So...did you know that flights can be delayed because a light is out in the bathroom? Well, now you do, because I started off this trip sitting on a plane for nearly 40 minutes while United tried to figure out what to do. After multiple calls to the hub in Chicago the answer is...put a sticker on the fuse. Who knew? But this made me come within minutes of missing my connection to Seattle, so the lesson is if everyone can just mutually agree to hold it until we reach our destination, we can all push back from the gate on time.

Anyway, I get to Seattle Friday, meet up with my friend, and we check into the convention. They had exhibitors on the floor with tattoo stations, and for a second I had a thought of getting a small Captain America shield on my wrist to commemorate the occasion, but I wasn't sure if a con exhibition floor was the safest place to get a tattoo. I'm sure it was fine, but I'm a big wimp. Friday was pretty low key at the con, they had some WWE people there, but I didn't know who they were, and the exhibitors didn't seem to be finished setting up, so the most exciting thing there was we saw some dude outside dressed like Captain America. He apparently is from Colorado and goes to these things and brings his vintage motorcyle:

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Saturday--we're meeting Chris Evans! And I wake up with a full scale allergic reaction on my face courtesy of Neutrogena Rapid Clear. Curse my sensitive skin! I cried about that for a few, but thanks to Tarte's Amazonian Clay foundation, I was able to cover it up. But, that's why I look like I have waxy corpse skin in those photo ops lol!

We get checked in, and immediately go to the photo op/autograph area where we have to go through security again. Once you get through, you go stand in these little assigned lanes, which con workers spent the entire weekend yelling at people to stay in their assigned lanes (aka stand single file) to no avail. Look, people want to chat in the line. We can't stand like the kids in Pink Floyd’s The Wall music video. Plus the lanes were super narrow, like child size. Luckily, we were in VIP Group A, so we were near the front. The back door opens right in front of us and everyone in the front half of the room whips out their phone to video Chris's arrival....oops, it's just the coffee guy. Everyone groans in disappointment and puts down their phones, which is the exact moment Chris in all his bearded, flannel wearing lumberjack looking glory slides on in the door.

We go in through the line, dump off our bags and suddenly...there he is! Can I ask for a hug? I'm super nervous? Will I pass out? Maybe! But I walk in and he looks at me and he's seriously super beautiful, like I'm not sure I can describe it. And he just has a way about him that puts you at ease. So I blurt out "Hi Chris, can I have a hug?" and he's like "Of course!" And let me tell you, Chris gives amazing hugs. Very firm and solid. He's also super warm. Like a god damn furnace. Like, on a cold Boston night, snuggling up to him would definitely keep you warm. Did he smell like the infamous Boyfriend Candle? I'm not sure, it was kind of spicy, but not a bad smell. It was a manly smell.

All I can tell you is, being wrapped up in his arms is a damn nice place to be...

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I'm still wrapped up in his arms, and I'm looking up at his face and his eyes are super god damn blue. Zemo was wrong, there is no fucking flaws there! I say "Thank you Chris" and he's looking down giving me a super soft smile and he says "You're Welcome" but he's not letting me go and we're just looking at each other and it felt like it lasted a lifetime, but it was probably 5 seconds. And because I live in fear of getting arrested or in trouble with security people, I had let go and say goodbye in case security was gonna drag me away and it was over. For now!!

We go outside the photo room to get our bags and I'm waving my hands in front of my face to keep from crying, and the bag guy is like "Yeah, I know it's hot in here" and in my head I'm like "THAT'S NOT WHY I AM DOING THIS!!" LOL!

We rush off to pick up our pictures (they had it down to a science, you left the room, followed a yellow line and your pic was there waiting on you.) Our dumb asses are so atwitter we accidentally leave the autograph/photo op area so I have to go through security again. I whip my shirt off (I had a tank top on underneath) and change right out in the middle of the floor to my stars t-shirt for my shield photo so I apologize to everyone who had to see my flabby arms flapping in the breeze on that one.

I get back in the photo lanes, but now shit is rolling downhill because the photo ops are running super behind, and what is supposed to be a 30 minute wait turns into almost an hour and a half in line filled with security constantly yelling about staying in your tiny assigned lane. This is a young person's game, this GA line bullshit! They had so many people crammed in there that I seriously thought a claustrophobic panic attack was on the way. I was gonna die right here in this line, and here I thought everyone already witnessed my death when Chris hugged me but apparently dying in this line was where it ends. Finally the line started moving, but by the time I got up there it was pretty much "No poses, he's already holding the shield get under his arm and go!" So that's what I did. You could tell he was getting tired, but when I looked up at him and thanked him he still smiled and said "You're very welcome" but he was squinting really badly so you could tell the flash was bothering him. But I looked like a hot mess thanks to the hour and a half in line sweating and dying. But my face is still maintaining that wax corpse like appearance so...Tarte can do a lasting foundation if you need to play a dead person, I guess.

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Time to get back in line for autographs! But Chris's (and everyone's really) photo ops are still behind, so once again we're standing in line for an eternity. And security is screaming because people are coming in through security and have nowhere to stand in line once they enter because our lines are taking up space and once again we all need to "Stay in your assigned lane!!!" But we can't move because our session hasn't started yet. So IDK here's a thought, if you know things are running behind, maybe not let more people in through security until you've caught up? I know, what a crazy idea! Time management! I've taken a class about it.

Finally the autograph line starts moving, and I'm trying to juggle this huge 27x40 Winter Soldier theater poster, my convention cross body bag which is choking me, my poster tube, my autograph ticket, not run over my friend who is talking to Chris about their dogs....it was a mess. Basically I was a female version of Ben Wyatt: Human Disaster. I had no choice, I had to start unloading all this shit on to the table, apologizing to Chris and his convention assigned assistant for of this, explaining that I was in fact, a disaster. Chris was just staring at me, his assistant was all "You're OK, it's fine" and then I have to try and unroll this poster and turn it around, and did I mention it's fucking huge? Security is helping me, and we get it organized, and facing Chris the right way....and he's just staring. I'd like to say he was stunned by my beauty and the fact that he was meeting me, his future wife, so he found himself speechless with the gravitas of this moment...but he actually was so tired he was probably just sleeping with his eyes open. We continue staring at each other for about 60 seconds...I wasn't saying anything cause I didn't think I had to, since he should know why he's here, it's an autograph session after all, but he didn't. So finally I had to speak up and say "Hi Chris, can you sign this?" He snapped out and was like "Oh, sure!" and starts writing my name, and so I decide to tell him I like that he's doing stuff to raise political awareness and I'm curious about seeing his website when it's ready (I know ya'll hate it, I just want to see it before I judge) and he smiles and thanks me a few times and then I start gathering all my stuff up. Security isn't rushing me because by now they've realized I'm really only a danger to myself, as I'm more likely to trip and knock myself out with this poster tube than I am of trying to hurt Chris.

Then it was the Q&A time, and Ace did not have their shit together when it came to keeping non VIPs out of the VIP area. Luckily they came out and kicked GA people out about 2 minutes beforehand, so we snagged some seats closer to the front. While we were waiting for seats I tried to coerce a Captain Marvel to go with me to fight some GA people who told security they were refusing to vacate the VIP section, but she was a peace loving Carol. And I apologize profusely once again to Spiderman Homecoming, who I stepped on while we were trying to get a seat. I thought his Spidey sense would have warned him and saved him but I guess not.

The Q&A was pretty non memorable, Chris didn't say much, dropped an F Bomb, and jumped off stage in the middle to get some quality pupper time in:




That's the most important part you need to know about that, if you want to see the panel (or all of the panels, I thought Taron's was really good and his fans asked excellent non embarrassing questions) you can watch them on Ace Comic Con's Facebook page.

Then it was time for a Jeremy Renner photo op. I really only got this photo op because I feel like if fotografa might not get to meet him, I should meet him and describe it for them. I thought we wouldn't be delayed because after the Q&A, they should be on time, but nope. The line wasn't as long, but it was long.

We got up to Jeremy, and I wasn't nervous cause it wasn't Chris, but he was very nice. I thought he'd be a grumpy dude cause he has that face, but he smiled and said Hi, and I greeted him, and we took the pic. I thanked him and threw in "Hey, I really liked you in Tag, so funny" (I like dumb dude comedies, OK?) and he laughed and thanked me. He was very nice. So, now you know, he's not a grumpy dude.

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Finally, we're getting in line for one last photo op with Chris that my friend and I were sharing. They were so behind that they were shoving people through at a breakneck pace. I can not post the pic because my friend is in it, and also because it's a mess. It's off center, I look like I crashed someone else's photo op, we couldn't get our hands coordinated so I'm not even touching him it looks like I'm trying to hold my friend's hand and...it was just a comedy of errors. As we are leaving, I look up at Chris and I'm saying "Thank you for being so nice, I was so afraid to meet you but I'm so glad I did" but while he's looking at me, my friend is trying to leave but her long hair is trapped under Chris's arm, so she squeaks about that and he turns to see what's happening, and the two of them are trying to untangle themselves, and I'm still blabbing, and security is trying to shove me along but I can't move because I don't want to knock into my friend and...yeah. Hot ass mess.

Sunday: Last day! I have one more photo op with Chris, and I want to ask for a pose of some kind but I'm not cute so I feel asking for poses makes me look pathetic, but I want a slow dance pose. Can I psych myself up to do it?

While standing in line to go inside, I see a person walking outside who might be cosplaying as George Costanza, or might just look like that and is walking by on the sidewalk. I'm not sure, but I want to know. I wanted to yell "We're living in a society!" but I wasn't sure if he was a cosplayer.

We get inside, and I'm in the second group of the day of photo ops, so of course they are behind from second one but not super behind. But I'm scared and shaking cause I want to ask for this pose, and the security guard keeps asking me if I'm OK. We're finally up there, and there he is, in a super tight t-shirt with biceps all over the place! I feel dumb, but I go up and say "Hi Chris, I want to ask for a pose and I know it's probably pathetic but can we pose like a slow dance like the end of Endgame?" He's like "Sure!" and then we can't get our hands organized or figure out which side I should be on, and in my head I'm like "YOU ARE BLOWING IT!" but we get it figured out. His hands are really soft, and my hair is all over the place, but....I still managed it. Even as corny as it looks, and how terrible my side profile is, and I wanted to be closer but my boobs are in the way, and you could just tell by this point Chris was running on fumes he was so exhausted.

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I thank him again and tell him to have a safe trip home. He thanks me for that, and as I leave I thank the photographer and security cause...I just feel like I need to thank people who made this all possible.

Now I really want to cry, cause my time with Chris is completely over. But! While I'm leaving the area, I see George Costanza in line for a photo op with Chris! It *was* a cosplay! I wanted to go over and see his picture, but George must have picked it up by the time I got back over there. Damn. I really want to see a George Costanza/Chris Evans photo op! I hope that person decides to share their photo op somewhere.

My last photo op of the day was with Taron Egerton. I love the Kingsman movies, and he was so good in Rocketman, so I decided what the hell, just do it. Again, his line was long (he was only there Sunday) and per his management, no props or poses. I commented to security that I hope someone told the people in front of me who were busy dressing their service dog in a giant feathered Elton John-ish costume that no props were allowed, but he said they just meant Taron wouldn't hold any props or do poses. But he was hugging some people before their photo op, but I didn't ask for that.

He was so nice you guys! He seemed very happy to meet fans, and when I walked in he greeted me with a big "Hey! Come on in!" I told him it was nice to meet him, and we took the pic. His arms are deceptively small...he had some biceps cause he flexed when we were taking the pic. Before I left I thanked him and told him I was really looking forward to the next Kingsman movie, and he was excited about that. I also said he was so good in Rocketman, and he was very appreciative.

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That was the end, and it was time to go home. Did I hate standing in line? Yes. Am I still tired as hell? Yes. Do I wish I looked better in my pics? Yes. But that first photo op and moment with Chris was worth every damn penny I spent and trust me it was a lot.



Source: my wallet, my memory, and this twitter