- With his latest film Call Me By Your Name Hammer is trying to spin that the reason he flopped so many times is because he's too ~indie to be a mainstream actor but investigative reporter Anne Helen Petersen digs through 10 years of magazine archives to show how many times he and Hollywood have tried hard to make him happen as a star
- He first appeared in Vanity Fair in 2009 in a profile on rich kids that featured Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner
- Was a rich asshole who spent his early career being cast as rich assholes in Gossip Girl and The Social Network
- Tries to cover up his rich childhood by talking about all the time he spent barefoot on the beach getting ringworm (the journalist hilariously points out the ringworm story has come up in at least 5 profiles spanning more than 10 years)
- During the J. Edgar press tour (he played J. Edgar's lover) he played up heterosexuality by having his wife crash interviews where they would kiss in front of the reporter and sharing details of his 10 day bachelor party where he shot at things with a machine gun
- Lone Ranger was such a huge flop he disappeared for 2 years before his "comeback" with The Man from U.N.C.L.E.
- After U.N.C.L.E. flopped Hammer decided to try to revive his stalled career by going the indie route
- Points out that he did at least 3 indie films all with various degrees of Oscar and break out buzz that all flopped (Birth of a Nation, Free Fire, and Nocturnal animals)
- Author points out that twitter has helped rehab his image between his "adorable" love of bondage and his argument with super predator James Woods
- Hammer is now giving interviews where he talks about how constrained he was by Hollywood and how it wasn't really his vibe even though he tried really hard to happen there
- The author closes by saying she really likes CMBYN but Hammer is unremarkable in it and the only reason he's in it is because as a white dude he's had a ridiculous amount of chances to succeed
- Drags fellow mediocre white men like Johnny Depp, Ben Affleck and Ryan Reynolds who get unlimited chances after massive flops
ONTD do you stan for mediocrity?