luvthatdrtywata (luvthatdrtywata) wrote in ohnotheydidnt,
luvthatdrtywata
luvthatdrtywata
ohnotheydidnt

SEX POST: Gwyneth Paltrow's Guide to Anal, An ONTD Original

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When I think anal, I think Gwyneth Paltrow. And no, I don't mean anal as in she seems like she would throw away an otherwise perfectly good white truffle because it wasn't filleted properly. I mean anal as in sex. As in, the thing that people who don't spend their entire day on ONTD have. As in, what happens when a mommy and daddy love each other very, very much, but daddy just craves male energy on occasion. As in, the Republican-approved contraceptive alternative to abstinence. As in, sticking your d in a b. You get it. And now that she's moved on from Chris Coldplay, apparently so does Gwynnie! Which is why she dedicated this month's goop e-newsletter to the very subject. So get your lube and your b-hole bleach ready cuz we are about to learn all about how Gwyneth Paltrow gets fucked in the ass!

Now, included in this month's enewsletter, is an admittedly interesting Q&A with research psychoanalyst and author Paul Joannides, Psy.D., which you can read here. But let's be real, who the fuck cares about what Gwyneth is saying? We wanna know what she's selling! After all, how are middle-aged women to experience their final perimenopausal climax to the tune of Zayn and an expired jar of light mayonnaise crowing over Dakota Not Fanning getting flogged without the proper anal accouterments?

Now, while Gwyneth claims to not care about the haters, there is a now a proverbial dollar tree menagerie of discount items available via the goop store. But I don't care about her attempt to placate the huddled masses, not in Trump's America! Today, we are only going to review the platinum-plated nipple clamps and the pure ivory dildos. So strap in and strap on cuz it's about to get hella vanilla up in our hella flat asses.

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I've always said that the problem with cock rings is that they just are ergonomic enough. Luckily, Gwynnie the Goop has come through with the most delicious little Velv'Or solid silver cock socket. Regular diamond rings are for the poors. The JCobra comes with or without a 8 mm White or Black Pearl and pave set diamonds. So, if your lover simply can't hold out when thinking about the stacks on stacks on stacks he stands to inherit when you meet your untimely demise on St. Tropez yacht, this is the ring for you.

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Are you sexless little freak of the weeks still complaining about your student loans and how much your sophomore chem book cost? Well, keep on crying into your quesarito loser cuz you'll never own this $1,200 limited edition Madonna Sex book rip-off about some bitch named Olga. Now, if you know who Olga is and she's some sex-positive, feminist, cultural icon, keep that shit to yourself, I do not care. The only things that turn me on my bank account statement, the pathetic state of Cate Blanchette's post-Oscar career, and my 2001 Ford Taurus sedan.

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I consider myself a minimalist, which is why I can only achieve orgasm on perfectly cylindrical spheres made of solid sterling silver. So, these Betony Vernon Double Sphere Massage Rings are so, like, SO, my anal aesthetic.

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So often I look at dear friends of mine, like Countess Luann de Lesseps or Vegan Chef de Cuisine Chloe Coscarelli or Fergie, and think to myself "my God woman, get your pelvic floor together!" Which is why I am currently having my assistant purchase these Elvie Pelvic Floor Exercise Trackers in bulk. I am going to be checking my vaginal Fit Bit ("ClitBit") like a middle-aged mother of three in a Weight Watchers competition at the office. All you have to do is shove this metal tamp in your puss and suddenly you've got the vajine of Jenner.

Honorable unmentionables:
Betony Vernon
MARABOU PLEASURE PUFF RING
$673.00
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Betony Vernon
MINI CUFF + SADO-CHIC CHAIN MINI + O'R MINI
$1,505.00
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Tags: gwyneth paltrow, sexy
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