The 4 (2) most baffling things hiding in the Avengers 2 poster

#3. Thor's Arm Is the Most Unrealistic Thing in the Entire Picture

here's a lot of silly, fantastical comic book bullshit going on in that poster: a giant monster-man fighting robots, a man dressed as a robot fighting legit robots, two squishy humans with no superpowers who aren't getting ripped apart the way ground beef would if it were thrown at a jet turbine -- lots of suspended disbelief is needed to buy into the world and start having fun. But somehow one very normal thing is the most unrealistic part of the entire poster:
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Out of context, I would think that's a picture of a misshapen peanut wearing a glove. In context, it's Thor's right arm. I know he's a god, and I know he's a comic book character, but I don't have arm blindness. I have before and will continue to see what Chris Hemsworth's arms actually look like. The guy's got godly arms because he can suck the protein out of an egg through its shell, and he tucks a horse's pituitary gland in his armpit when he works out so he can absorb horse strength. None of that can make an arm look like a woman who's pregnant on both sides.

His biceps isn't all that crazy. It's his triceps that makes me think Jiffy Pop popcorn is going to spring out through a tear in his skin with a burst of buttery steam. But notice how his left arm isn't nearly as intense:


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Conclusion: Thor wields Mjolnir with the left and masturbates with his right. Puzzled solved. Moving on ...

#1. Hawkeye's Face
There's a specific look you'll make when someone rubs their hand all over their butt and then tries to touch your face with their shitty butt-hand. Lips become pursed, eyebrows furrow, the eyes hone in on the foul butt-drenched fingers, and the head recedes into the neck in a futile attempt to escape fingers that are laced with butt funk. If you've ever had a bossy older brother, a mean cousin, or an asshole you were unfortunate enough to call your friend, you've probably been tormented with a nasty, foul-smelling hand shoved in your face. If this is something you've experienced, you can sympathize with Hawkeye:

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That robot isn't trying to kill Hawkeye like all his robot friends are trying to kill the other Avengers -- that one went rogue. It shoved its fingers up its whole gaping metal asshole and is tormenting Hawkeye with a shit-littered hand. Hawkeye's trying not to take a whiff of it, so he's turned his head away slightly. He doesn't want to have shit-fingers swirled on his taste buds, so he's sealed his lips shut, and he's summoning the strength of all his muscles to lock down those wispy face flaps like a casino vault. It's just a poster, there's no sound, and yet when I look at that face, I can almost hear what Hawkeye's saying through sealed lips -- a seal periodically broken by failed attempts to blow at the fingers to get them the fuck away: "PFFT-mmmmm-MMMMM-NNNNOOOOOOO! PFFFF-STOPIT-PFFFT!-MMMM-PFFT!"

Look at the face on that robot. Look at the devious snarl:


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This particular Ultron robot has a more dastardly plot in mind than simple murder. Why do you think Quicksilver and Captain America are running toward Hawkeye with gritted teeth and desperation in their eyes?


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If they don't get there in time, poor, disrespected Hawkeye is going to get the Dirty Sanchez of a lifetime.



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