ONTD Original: ASTROLOGY POST! The "why did you write about this irrelevant has-been?" Edition!

For years now, we’ve wondered: Why does Lindsay keep getting chances? Why does she keep fucking them up? Where did all her potential go wrong? The conclusion seems to be that she is her own worst enemy, but somehow, she manages to bounce back in one way or another. We’ve discussed it from a societal point of view (“as long as we give her attention, she’ll keep selling”), a psychological point of view (“she clearly has mental issues and needs help”), we’ve tried the scapegoat point of view (“her parents are total train wrecks, no wonder she is so fucked up”), and even Oprah’s point of view (“time to cut the bullshit”)… but now, it’s time to talk about it from the astrological point of view.






Chart Pattern
Lilo, honestly, has one of the more complicated charts I have seen. Two things grabbed my eye right from the start. The first thing is her chart pattern. A chart pattern refers to the way the planets land in your chart and how many houses they occupy. Lilo’s chart pattern is called “The Splay” because her planets are scattered throughout nine of the twelve houses. This creates complexity because all of the planets have fallen in a way that creates a lot of aspects and because there is a planet doing work in most areas of your life. It can make individuals with this pattern feel like there is always a lot going on at once, and even though they feel very connected to a variety of interests, the over-pursuit of too many interests at once means that no single interest is getting enough focus. It can also be overwhelming because she has planets and their individual agenda’s coming at her from everywhere; I think this is a huge astrological factor into why she feels like her life is so hectic.

Rising Sign
Her saving grace, if you could even call it that, would be in her Gemini rising. The rising sign is all about perspective; the one people will have of you and the one you will have of your surroundings. No sign is better equipped to handle the craziness of her Splay chart than Gemini. The advantage of her Gem rising is that Gemini is the sign of variety and will adapt to new surroundings and circumstances better than any sign in the zodiac, which is helpful for being able to transition from one thing to the next due to the frenzy of her splay chart. They’re also the star wordsmiths of the zodiac, and will often try (if not succeed) to talk themselves out of (or into) anything. Since Gemini is so adaptable and conceptual, it allows people with a Gem-rising to clearly see any perspective of an argument and with their wit and wordiness, bullshitting becomes a natural inclination. They don’t feel like it is bullshit, but what they fail to see is that they don’t think it is bullshit because they have no real stand about it at all. That brings us to the disadvantage of Gemini-Rising, which is how eager they are to fit in, so there is really no definitive resolve in how they choose to handle things (unless there are stronger planets placements to interfere) and they’re very susceptible to making choices based on what they think will get them the most applause (Fun fact: Gaga has a Gemini rising too!).

Retrograde Planets
The second huge thing I noticed right off the bat was that she has half of her planets in retrograde, and they’re all on the right side (or “western hemisphere”) of her chart. Retrograde planets are planets which are “stopped” in motion so they appear to be moving backwards. The way this reflects back in the chart is that the planet, and therefore, the planets purpose and goals, always seem stalled and making progress becomes a huge struggle because the planet is constantly forced to re-examine its decisions over and over again, and if it doesn’t find the will to change, will continue to repeat the same mistakes.

The significance of the planets being on the right side of the chart is that planets on this side are impacted by the world around them (opposed to the left side which is planets who impact the world around them). So not only are these planets feeling stalled by retrograde, but they also feel that it’s due to outside factors that are not in their control, which stalls their ability to let the impact on them force the change they desperately need.

All three of her generational planets (Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto) are in retrograde. Anyone born from April 7th to July 15th of 1986 will also have all 3 of these planets in retrograde. Since generational planets are so slow moving, there influence takes shape over long periods of time and sets up themes that the whole generation experiences in their lifetime. With two of these retrograde generational planets in opposition to her sun, I think it sets up her victim complex. Lilo plays the blame game because she has spent most of her life feeling like she loses out due to circumstances that are beyond her control, and while she may feel like she does her part in taking responsibility and trying to change, there is never enough she can do to keep the same patterns from repeating. (Alternately, a person with their generational planets NOT in retrograde landing across from personal planets creates a “hero complex.”)

Mars is exalted in Capricorn, but since it is retrograde, this holds back Capricorn’s strongest efforts to get anything done. The desire to work hard is here, the desire to finish your goals is there, yet, it always seems to fall short of actually getting anything done. We’ve heard stories over the years of Lindsay’s ailments (coughhangoverscough) keeping her from getting her shit done, yet, she still has this underlying ambition. I think it’s noteworthy as well that Mars is in her 8th house, which rules over legacies; because when we think about it, what will be her legacy? What has her legacy been so far? It’s the things that Mars rules over, but with a retrograde twist: Wayward ambition, “physical ailments,” a loose cannon attitude, and sexual exploits.

Retrograde Saturn in her 6th house of work and health brings more problems. Saturn is the planet that makes our rules, sets our limits, and teaches us, ultimately, how to rise above our struggles (if we pay attention) and in a lot of ways, it shows the area of your life you’re most critical over and most concerned about being able to do a good job. The 6th house is in charge of so many things, it’s essentially the house where we understand we have a body and physical life (as in life you live) that needs to be tended to; bills need to be paid, chores need to be done, you have to take care of your body if you like living whatsoever. It’s where we have our daily routines, where we deal with our co-workers, where we exercise and go to the doctor, and it’s also one of our most personal houses. So if Saturn is in that house being a dick and putting all these rules in place, why the hell has girlfriend been to rehab so many times? Why does girlfriend have a hard time keeping a schedule? The “Why’s?” are endless and the answer is Saturn is asleep at the wheel in retrograde and while his anxiety to do a good job is there, the road to hell is still paved with good intentions. Saturn in retrograde cannot put it’s foot down and doesn’t take the rules it’s supposed to be creating seriously, which is basically the last thing you want working in your 6th house of “be healthy and get shit done.”

Jupiter’s Blessing
With all of these things working against her, how can she still be moderately successful at all? Well the power of Saturn’s “other half,” Jupiter, is put to work in her tenth house of career, public image and one’s overall path in life. Jupiter is all about abundance, luck and expanding the area of your life that is represented by the house it lands in. This is a huge factor in how Lilo keeps it going, because Jupiter continues to provide opportunities (and Mars in Cap is smart enough to take them). The interesting thing to me is that Jupiter in Pisces is a very strong position, because Pisces is so spiritually open that Jupiter’s goodwill feels like it knows no bounds and can do so much for those who are suffering and destructive. The problem is that Jupiter gets as carried away in its delusions as Pisces has delusions to give; and for Pisces, the fairytales can be truly endless. I feel like this is a great placement for helping people, but she needs to let the other planets direct Jupiter out of the grand delusions, martyrdom, and darker sides of Pisces; let go of that thrill of escapism that acting gives, and lead Jupiter into the light of a more service-oriented field.

One last thing…
One last notable thing she has working for her is both Mercury and Venus in Leo. This gives her so much charm and appeal, but there are some huge drawbacks as well. Venus loves, loves, loves it in Leo because Leo wants a lot of the same things Venus does: A swarm of followers friends, a luscious plethora of beautiful surroundings, and a creative outlet for attention self-expression! HOWEVER, Leo is vain, and Venus is OK with that, which explains a lot of the filler, lip injection, hair dye jobs that Lilo has been fucking with. By far, one of Leo’s most endearing flaws is that blind trust the put in people who flatter them. This is definitely where Lilo becomes most susceptible to falling in with the wrong crowd and “users” because they win her over, most likely with flattery, and then she takes flattery as trust, like “oh, they adore me! They would never hurt me!” With Venus in her 3rd house of communication, it brings the Venusian-Leo charm and confidence into the way she speaks and presents her ideas, however, it’s not enough to provide the actual will to follow-through that her chart desperately needs.

Not so notable/didn’t feel like talking about/felt it had been covered things:
*Moon exalted in Taurus
*Sun/Midheaven/Retrograde Pluto grand trine
*Grand trine connects with Neptune to form a kite




Source for celeb birth charts
Internet Sources for stuff
Books you can read about astrology
My astrology tumblr

Past Posts:
Kimye & Selena/Beebz post
Love Triangles w/ RPatz/KStew/Katy Perry & Ri/Drake/Chris Brown
Taylor Swift & her Mars in Scorpio giving her horrible taste in men
The Royal Baby, HRH George
Opposites Attract! Beckhams & Oprah/Stedman
Sag Songtresses: Brit, Xtina, Miley
Virgo Matriarchs! Beyonce & P!nk
The Lost Brangelina Post
J.Leto & J.Law
Kate & Leo, the OTP that never was


Anyone else got retrograde planets they want to bitch about?