Which Olympic champion was defeated by Jesus, Oprah and a table on Dancing with the Stars?

Charlie White!

Charlie White and Sharna Burgess have, shockingly, been knocked out of the finals, while Meryl Davis and Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Amy Purdy and Derek Hough were announced to be “in jeopardy.” (The distinction is meaningless, as we don’t know the actual rankings, but still, it’s rather ominous!) Meanwhile, James Maslow and Peta Murgatroyd and Candace Cameron Bure and Mark Ballas sailed through under the bedazzled “Safe” umbrella typically reserved for Amy and Meryl. ’Twas a ballroom shakeup for the ages!

Meryl Davis and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 40/40 jive + 40/40 Viennese waltz = 80/80

Amy Purdy and Derek Hough: 39/40 quickstep + 39/40 jazz = 78/80 Amy apparently has the almighty Oprah on her side -- a mighty strong twist, to be sure, but I hardly buy that Oprah has been “watching and rooting and actually dialing the number to vote.” That’s just way too many verbs. I might have believed “watching.” But dialing her own phone? Preposterous.

Len only docked them one point for Amy’s posture in the quickstep, and later Carrie Ann delivered the severe blow of the 9 paddle following Amy and Derek’s “let’s table this” jazz routine due to a momentary lack of synchronicity. Wait, what?! Have I mistaken Dancing With the Stars for So You Think You Can Sit on a Table?

Candace Cameron Bure and Mark Ballas: 34/40 Viennese waltz + 38/40 jazz = 72/80
Candace spoke to her American Icon, some Bible lady who wants publicity for her best-selling books, and concluded on her own (but with the help of God #footprints #sparklebarf) that “I’m really performing for an audience of one, and that’s for God.” WRONG. His name is DANCMSTR Len Goodman and you shall honor Him…or else!

It’s too bad Mark couldn’t infuse Candace with “darkness” and “attitude,” both of which you’re gonna need by the leotard-ful if you’re gonna take on Janet Jackson’s “Nasty.” Mark, we know you love the Jacksons and felt left out, but this was just cruel. How in the heck did the judges give 10s to this mess officially labeled “jazz”? It was slow, wooden, and painfully dorky. “Like Janet channeling Liza Minnelli!” cried Bruno as his pants went up in flames