A Galentine's Goop Giving Gift Guide, An ONTD Original


With Valentine's Day fast upon us, it is important to remind those of us we love just how much that love costs them. Whether they purchase us flowers, jewelry or our favorite candy (in my case, that is chocolate coated air - recipe below), what is most important is that they realize it will never be enough to quench that unyielding misery and contempt that permeates the relationship. However, if the realization that we are truly alone in this world and that no amount of worldly possessions or cliched romantic gestures will ever fill that soul crushing void is too much of a statement for Valentine's (it's more of an Arbor Day declaration anyway) then try and buy love the goop way! Below are 5 items Gwyneth Paltrow currently has for sale on her website that are perfect last minute Valentine's gifts to show your sweetie that you truly feel, like, (shrug) whatever, about them.

If like my husband, you think your wife might be a "late in life lesbian" this Crippen white jake shirt is "crippin" amazing! As white as Gwyneth herself, this shirt is the perfect embodiment of your relationship - the six buttons represent the 6 times you've caught your husband groping the house staff while the starchy white is indicative of the sterile nature of your sex life; not to mention that it has been so long since you let your husband touch you you are basically a born again virgin. At just $345 it is a steal because fuck it, we'll be dead soon anyway.

So Gwyneth once told me hoops earrings were *her* thing and I wasn't allowed to wear them anymore but, I guess she's totally cool with it now. I am not personally familiar with Me & Ro but it does remind me of the Rosie O'Donnell lesbiafamily cruise which always seemed like a real finger blast so I say go ahead and get em, cuz like I said, fuck it, every breath we take makes us closer to obliteration.

Is your betrothed a fan of Shakespeare's legendary love story Romeo & Juliet? Well, here is your chance to recreate their famed romance with these Thornback & Peel tea towels. First give them the skull and crossbones towel, as is specified with the chosen imagery, this towel should be laced with chloroform. Then once they are knocked out stab them in the chest, mopping up the blood with the knife towel. Both a romantic and functional gift. 5 stars.

This is a perfect gift to get your Valentine if your Valentine's name is Woody Allen. This adorable Busy Bees dress looks like something that would be worn in Allen's classic film Hannah and Her Sisters but like Allen's brides also comes in children's sizes. Too Soon...Yi? Too bad. We're all adults, unlike the chicks Woody likes to bang. Woody only gets a woody from two things - his own body of work and the body of young girls so obviously he could j all over this thing.

If you are taking this whole Valentine's thing seriously and not as some bullshit fucking Hallmark holiday and you really want to make a statement with your gift, get your loved one a book. Knowledge is power and go go Power Rangers. Gwyneth has several best-selling books available for purchase. Pick one, they are all uh-mazing. If you really want to spice things up, write a personalized message in the front of the book. For example if you were to buy "It's All Good" you could write "Just kidding. It's all falling apart. I want a divorce. PS - I'm fucking your sister." I think that's by Keats if I'm not mistaken.

Well, I hope that these suggestions help you make your final Valentine's purchases. Have a great holiday everyone! And remember, if you don't have a Valentine, don't worry, it is just because you are ugly and boring but at least you're not poor. Unless you are and then "ew."

Chocolate Coated Air Recipe
1. Purchase one cocoa based morsel from your favorite uptown French chocolatier
2. Have your assistant partially masticate the chocolate making sure not to actually swallow, inhaling upwards of 200 calories, well beyond their allotted daily intake.
3. Once they have spit out the chocolate, have your assistant breathe in your face and enjoy the intoxicating scent of chocolate with just a wee hint of tobacco and vomit.