If Award Shows Were High School Archetypes

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Award shows have personalities just like anyone else; what makes the Oscars different from the People's Choice Awards is a gulf as wide as what made the prom queen different from the student government kids. Maybe award shows seem like high school archetypes because the experience must be so like adolescence: you're terrified you don't look right, you're nervous over whether or not people like you enough and there's a pretty good chance you'll end up being a loser by the end of the night. From the parking lot kids that are The Golden Globes to the slightly too defensive Emmy Awards, here are the award shows you love as the people from high school you knew.



The Golden Globes: the good time parking lot kids



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Example: Donald Faison as Murray in Clueless, Emilio Estevez as Two-Bit in The Outsiders

Once upon a time, the Golden Globe Awards were just an upstart foreign exchange student (the awards are presented by the Hollywood Foreign Press), but, almost from the beginning, they were so much fun they gained the reputation as the rare award show it's just as enjoyable to attend as it is to watch. Everything about the Globes, from the recent emphasis on pushing the comedic boundaries with their hosts (elective improv troupers Tina Fey and Amy Poehler fared much better than back-of-the-class wiseacre Ricky Gervais) to the fact that television and film celebrities are drinking real booze before speaking in public, makes it the devil-may-care good time parking lot kids of award shows. You can totally find the Golden Globes leaning against someone's rear bumper between periods and, like the stars that gather in the Beverly Hilton ballroom each January, there's a good chance they're also drinking that real booze. Sometimes you hang out with Golden Globes and get a little too boisterous hollering at the jocks and cheerleaders passing by, but that's okay, so long as you don't make it a daily habit.

The Independent Spirit Awards: the too-cool-for-school hipster



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Example: James Van Der Beek's Dawson Leery on Dawon's Creek would have flipped to attend the IFC tribute, but he was a little too obsessed with Spielberg to truly be at home. James Franco as Daniel Desario on Freaks and Geeks is closer. Actually, James Franco is real life is probably the closest.

The Independent Spirit Awards (presented on the Independent Film Channel) are held every year to honor the small films that often get overlooked by the more mainstream Oscars (although the films have begun to overlap more and more in recent years). As far as award show enjoyment goes, it's a mixed bag. Like the Golden Globes, the celebrities actually seem to be enjoying themselves (Johnny Knoxville and John Waters have both been past hosts; what's not to enjoy there?), but like SAG, the organizers can get a little too high on their own artistic importance. The Independent Spirit Awards are undoubtedly that too-cool-for-school anti-establishment hit-or-miss hipster that was always giving you bootlegs of some new band from Denmark (which was actually pretty cool) or lecturing you on Bukowski (which was completely tedious).

The Grammys: prom committee



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Example: The kids from Saved by the Bell (minus Screech) were a 24-7 prom committee. Also, they had a band: Zack Attack!

A good Grammy Award celebration is just that: a celebration. More than any other award show, the Grammys seem like a big cool party where you just happen to be able to see multiple generations of talent performing for one another. The planning that goes into every detail from the lineup to the tributes to the over-the-top theme choreography could only be pulled off by the always military-precise prom committee. Getting Gaga into an egg is a cakewalk compared to stringing six hundred balloons along a hotel ballroom ceiling to make it look like "Moonlight in Paris" (your official prom theme).

The People's Choice Award: the over zealous student government type


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Example: Reese Witherspoon as Tracy Flick in Election

If they tell you once, they tell you a thousand times: The People's Choice Awards are different from other award shows because all the winners are chosen by you, the fans. Vote, vote, vote so your life can have meaning! The PCA's zealousness about their role in promoting democracy in giving prizes to famous people is like those student government types that treat getting elected Junior Class Secretary with the same fierceness as a Middle Eastern regime change. It's nice to have a say, but do I really have to vote for best supporting third cameo actress in a Law & Order spin-off?


Rest of the award shows at the source!