10 (4) Marvel Superheroes Who Probably Have Weird Penises

Interestingly enough, Spider-Man's origin story does not specifically mention any changes to his genitals. We do know that he grew much stronger overall (possibly relevant) and that he can stick to things (definitely relevant). It's not only his hands and feet that can stick to walls, it's his entire body (we've seen Spidey prevent his mask from being pulled off by making his face sticky). Essentially, this means he can lift large objects, like a briefcase or some lumber, with his super-strong penis. This has rarely come up in the comic.

The Destroyer of Planets, Lord Galactus, is not actually a Caucasian man in armor who stands taller than the planet Earth. The way he appears is subjective to the observer, and most comics writers are White men. Skrulls would see him as a giant Skrull in armor. His junk is as large as you imagine it, and the answer will reveal things you never knew about yourself.

Compared to the Thing's probably-rocky Little Thing and the Human Torch's likely-to-ignite-upon-excitement...lower torch, Mr. Fantastic got the best deal when it comes to cosmic radiation penis mutation. In addition to being able to stretch his member to any size, Reed Richards can most likely contort it in a variety of shapes and directions, as he does with his weird neck and arms. Plus, he could easily have sex in the bedroom and work in the lab at the same time. Efficient!

The superhero penis question begins and ends with the Hulk. The initial thought process goes like this:

"How come Bruce Banner's shorts turn purple when he transforms? Wait, why don't his pants tear off like the rest of his clothes? Oh, so you don't see his- WAIT, WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?"

Common sense would dictate that the Hulk's dong is green; we can all agree on that. But if it's proportional, shouldn't there be a huge bulge in those shorts that are straining to keep from tearing? With that level of adrenaline, shouldn't he be erect upon transformation? How come the Hulk doesn't run around trying to fuck volcanoes?

"I wanted my Hulk to be naked..." said Ang Lee, director of the 2003 film Hulk, in an interview later that year, "...The Hulk's pants stay on because they want a PG-13 rating." Of course, actor Nick Nolte, who plays Banner's father in the film, had the (dubious) last word.

"I've seen a nude picture of him. It's not pretty. It could be used as a weapon, believe me."


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