9:45 pm - 08/30/2013

The 12 Most Pointless X-Men

All men are created equal, but all X-Men aren’t. For every Wolverine, there are countless lame characters — lame not necessarily because their powers are useless, but because the character themselves are useless. Comic writers can’t use them, so they disappear, die, or constantly change in an unending bid to somehow become relevant. Here are a dozen X-Men whose main power was wasting everybody's time.

1) Slipstream

Slipstream‘s power sounds appropriately weird and mutant-y when you read the official description: he can “generate a warp portal in the fabric of space and ride the resultant warp-wave… Slipstream could use this ability to travel to virtually any point on Earth at faster-than-light speed, and can ferry others through the portal with him.” Unfortunately, this translates to “surfboard-based teleportation,” which is less useful and not at all cool. Slipstream can teleport, but only when he’s on his little surfboard and making an appropriate surfing-like pose, meaning he has to carry along an official X-Men boogie board with him wherever he goes if we wants to catch those waves, dude. It’s ridiculous that the Silver Surfer hasn’t beaten him to death.

3) Stacy X

Here’s a clue for all aspiring X-Men out there. Does your code name have an X in it? Then you are trying way too hard. An X-Man has an X in his or her name is certain to be trying to be cool, and Stacy X, whose hilariously “extreme” upbringing included her being part of a mutant brothel. This was actually fortuitous, since her mutant power was using pheromones to make people have orgasms (or vomit, or other things) — well, that and having snake-skin. Stacy X is clearly someone’s attempt to make the X-Men seem more adult and edgy by including a character who once had sex for money. Doubt me? Here’s what she did upon leaving the X-Mansion: “She left behind for [Archangel] a video of herself jumping rope naked, stating that she didn't want to stay around them and taunting him that he missed the chance to have had someone as sexy as herself as a girlfriend.

6) Jubilee

Jubilee’s mutant power is to shoot fireworks. These can be used as offensive weapons, in the same way regular fireworks can be used as offensive weapons, and that if you light one and throw it at somebody and it hits them it’ll hurt. But when your team is full of dudes with metal claws, guys who can fire concussive blasts from their eyes, or control people’s minds, the girl who’s effectively carrying a bunch of bottle rockets around with her isn’t going to be of much use. That’s probably why Jubilee has gone through more uniform and codename changes than Jean Grey has had resurrections, because 20 years later still nobody has figured out what to do with her.

7) Ink

There have been a few characters in pop culture who have super-powered tattoos; it should be no surprise that the X-Men have one, too. But Ink is unique among these characters in that 1) he has no powers, because there’s another mutant named Leon whose powers is giving power-bestowing tattoos and Ink is just a moron; 2) Ink has, literally, seven tattoos, when he could be covered in them and become the most power dude on the planet; and 3) his tattoos are really fucking ridiculous. A caduceus on his hand lets him heal people, while a tattoo that vaguely resembles Colossus’ metal skin gives him super-strength, which is complete nonsense. If the tattoo designs can be that vague, then he could get the same powers with tribal armbands, a tramp stamp or a Tasmanian Devil. For the record, I have no idea why he's punching that maid.

11) Beak

Beak has a beak. He also has feathers. He is a birdman, which could theoretically be useful except he cannot fly. He can glide a little, and he wore a suit that allowed him to fly, but without the suit he is literally just a dude with a break. So really, if the X-Men had some kind of situation where they needed corn pecked off the floor quickly, Beak would have been vaguely useful.. until you remember the telekinetics who could grab the corn with their minds, or Storm, who could blow the corn away, one of any other thousands of mutants with the ability to move corn kernels more quickly than Beak could peck them.



List is missing Maggot and Wraith
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notoriousreign 31st-Aug-2013 04:50 am (UTC)
lmao Beak
therearewords 31st-Aug-2013 08:48 am (UTC)
Always Beak.
imnotasquirrel 31st-Aug-2013 04:51 am (UTC)
i think i latched on to jubilee just bc she was asian, but yeah, in retrospect she was such a flop smh
zyuranger 31st-Aug-2013 04:55 am (UTC)
I just loved her name - Jubilation Lee. I wish my (Asian) parents gave me such an awesome westernized first name.
cricketgrl 31st-Aug-2013 04:58 am (UTC)
She was really catapulted into popularity through the Cartoon. Similar to Gambit who I felt was created solely for the Cartoon series as he didn't really come into the real spotlight until then.
davetvs 31st-Aug-2013 05:05 am (UTC)
I'm pretty sure Gambit and Jubilee were created because Chris Claremont didn't want to use characters he hadn't personally created. Gambit and Longshot have similar names/powers and so do Dazzler/Jubilee.
imitosis777 31st-Aug-2013 05:58 am (UTC)
she really wasn't, she was a very well written character especially in the early Generation X comics
jrh19782002 31st-Aug-2013 02:44 pm (UTC)
id take her powers it would be amazing
tx5mym5 31st-Aug-2013 07:46 pm (UTC)
JUBILEE is one of my favorite X-Men! She keeps the books light and funny. When she's well written, she a great character. Most writers don't care. Her powers even had great potential, but now she's just a vampire.
shadowpiranha 31st-Aug-2013 08:32 pm (UTC)
She was my absolute favorite in the cartoon, but yeah.
davetvs 31st-Aug-2013 04:52 am (UTC)
Wrong wrong WRONG about Jubilee smh, I'm tired of the cool thing to do being to shit on Jubilee
davetvs 31st-Aug-2013 04:54 am (UTC)
not to mention she doesn't have any more costumes than any other X-Man, she's only changed her codename once iirc when she lost her powers and then changed it back, and her mutant power was NOT shooting fireworks smh I'm going into nerd rage I need to leave
tiffanynichelle 31st-Aug-2013 04:56 am (UTC)
I feel you. I still love Jubilee.
hermionedanger 31st-Aug-2013 05:00 am (UTC)
aeronrosk93 31st-Aug-2013 05:03 am (UTC)
snuffyqui45 31st-Aug-2013 05:04 am (UTC)
All of this. Jubilee is awesome.
shining_starsxx 31st-Aug-2013 05:07 am (UTC)
aflaminghalo 31st-Aug-2013 03:08 pm (UTC)
Jubilee is forever my favourite.
yurasama_love 31st-Aug-2013 04:54 am (UTC)
tiffanynichelle 31st-Aug-2013 04:55 am (UTC)
For real!!
whysogayprop8 31st-Aug-2013 06:43 am (UTC)
Once I saw jubilee on the list I knew shit was gonna get REAL!
frankthesheep 31st-Aug-2013 11:12 am (UTC)
amandathings What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 04:54 am (UTC)
I've always wanted Phoenix + Storm

I'd love to have total control of the elements with a strong mixture of telepathy + most of the shit that makes Jean the most powerful mutant cause that's cool
zyuranger Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 04:59 am (UTC)
Invisibility so I could steal stuff heh.

Or telekinesis and teleportation.
amandathings Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 05:08 am (UTC)
rofl I love your reasoning!
yurasama_love Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 05:00 am (UTC)
Storm's basically.
hermionedanger Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 05:01 am (UTC)
Wolverine bc I am very clumsy and it would be helpful to just heal like a motherfucker every time I trip over myself.
superdogbiter Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 05:02 am (UTC)
nightcrawler is my fave so i guess his powers
saintvlas22 Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 05:03 am (UTC)
Telekinesis. It's like a dozen powers in one: flight, super strength, forcefields...

And I consider getting food from the kitchen while my ass is still in front of the computer a separate and distinct power.
cricketgrl Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 05:04 am (UTC)
Rogue's because I could mimic any power I wanted by a touch.
missing_mile_15 Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 05:07 am (UTC)
Mystique's or Emma's because turning into a diamond is some rad shit.
aeronrosk93 Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 05:07 am (UTC)
i'd want storm or invisible woman's powers
snuffyqui45 Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 05:09 am (UTC)
teleportation so Nightcrawler I guess.

I'd hate telepathy---all them bitches cray.
lipstiq Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 05:10 am (UTC)
Jean's power. Hands down.
omgcats Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 05:10 am (UTC)
Mystique, definitely.
polynucleotide 31st-Aug-2013 05:12 am (UTC)
prob telepathy

tho really just give me everything martian manhunter has. except his fire weakness.
wanna_catch_me Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 05:14 am (UTC)
hell yeah Phoenix and Storm
zonoscope Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 05:23 am (UTC)
empyrealmaiden Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 05:26 am (UTC)
If I could have any power I'd like to control/stop time (without but not age while everyone else is frozen, yada yada)

I used to also want to be able to control water because then if I wanted to do away with someone I would just turn them into human raisins >_>
s7ilver Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 05:38 am (UTC)
Definitely Storm's. I always thought that would be the coolest b/c you could be such a dramatic queen
bossbitchqueen Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 05:44 am (UTC)
Telekinesis (flying incl.) + telepathy + teleportation + invisibility + shapeshifting + foresight
sycophant_fotog Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 06:03 am (UTC)
Mystique all the way. Her slight healing ability and the shapeshifting? Infinite wardrobe.
Though Storm is a close second.
myreceiptsbox Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 07:48 am (UTC)
Telekinesis. Sylar taught me so much about why it's the best power.
starchain Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 08:09 am (UTC)
Hope's, which is practically Rogue's without the creepy aspects.
notblakelively Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 08:33 am (UTC)
i'd love intangibility or teleportation tbh, some kind of mind control wouldn't be bad either.
yolleh Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 09:57 am (UTC)
I've always thought Phoenix (especially dark phoenix) and storm would be the perfect combo of powers to have. I'd be unbeatable!

Plus, I'd troll everyone with the weather by going around with my own little spot of sunshine whilst everyone else was being rained on.
sitakhet Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 11:40 am (UTC)
I'd love to materialise images into reality. Then I'd have all the nice shoes I want, but can never find!
leenerific Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 01:08 pm (UTC)
Telekinesis but then I'd probably be like 5000 lbs cause I'd get so lazy lol
microminiscrew Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 06:12 pm (UTC)
Rogue, post-Ms. Marvel & particularly the version that can recall any power she's ever absorbed at will incl. Jean & Storm and turn on/off her powers.
hrhobo Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 06:41 pm (UTC)
prob TK, but i've always been fascinated w/ magneto's powers.
tx5mym5 Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 07:52 pm (UTC)
I have so many favorite powers!

Nightcrawler's or Blink's teleportation. Commuting sucks and travel would be great.

Phoenix/Rachel Summers - she's one of the strongest telepaths, telekinetic, and she can do telepyrokinesis. It's the the triple threat of mental powers.

Monica Rambeau's powers, which are a lot like Jubilee's except she does use it to the fullest extent. Flight, blow shit up, microwave your food, it's all around great.

Mystique's shapeshifting - just to fuck with people and blackmail purposes. So much blackmail.

Edited at 2013-08-31 08:00 pm (UTC)
chasind01 Re: What would your mutant power be?31st-Aug-2013 08:50 pm (UTC)
Professor Xavier, so I could know everything.
zyuranger 31st-Aug-2013 04:54 am (UTC)
Wasn't Jubilee capable of being pretty powerful before the vampire drama?
davetvs 31st-Aug-2013 04:55 am (UTC)
Yes, she blew up a house once using her powers
yurasama_love 31st-Aug-2013 05:01 am (UTC)
She was actually very powerful, just very hesitant about her powers.
Still pissed about this vampire shit.
jobeesebastian 31st-Aug-2013 05:19 am (UTC)
IKR. She needs to be repowered ASAP. And have her own series... Because I would read the shit out of that.
tiffanynichelle 31st-Aug-2013 05:25 am (UTC)
I hate that they made her a vampire. First they dump her in character limbo and forget all about her. Then they depower her, made her a New Warrior, dumped her back into limbo and now she's a vampire.
theedqueen 31st-Aug-2013 05:31 am (UTC)
she's a vampire? When the crap did that happen? (I've only seen the 90's animated series and I don't remember everything)
snuffyqui45 31st-Aug-2013 05:08 am (UTC)
she held back a lot b/c she was afraid of killing someone

forbidden_john 31st-Aug-2013 10:26 am (UTC)
She supposedly had the potential to manipulate atoms at their subatomic level.
nimberlane 31st-Aug-2013 01:08 pm (UTC)
yes I remember reading about her potential. gurl could fuck shit up if she wanted to.
shining_starsxx 31st-Aug-2013 04:54 am (UTC)
Rude.Jubilee was my girl
swissbeauty23 31st-Aug-2013 04:55 am (UTC)
This just reminds me of that Andy Dick Show sketch about Lobesy the Lobesman, the X-Men with SUPER LONG EARLOBES.
tiffanynichelle 31st-Aug-2013 04:55 am (UTC)
Stop dissing Jubilee all the time damn it.
mammary_glands 31st-Aug-2013 04:55 am (UTC)
came here just to make sure jubilee was on the list lol
peddlestools 31st-Aug-2013 05:06 am (UTC)
mammary_glands 31st-Aug-2013 05:20 am (UTC)
lmao she's an interesting character but her powers are bunk, sry
hemsworth 31st-Aug-2013 05:44 am (UTC)
lmao same. i don't like her much either not sorry about it
superdogbiter 31st-Aug-2013 04:57 am (UTC)
that character from the 90's xmen cartoon who died in the first episode
yurasama_love 31st-Aug-2013 05:16 am (UTC)
Morph? But he lived and came back.
superdogbiter 31st-Aug-2013 05:21 am (UTC)

well shit
ahzuri 31st-Aug-2013 05:23 am (UTC)
imitosis777 31st-Aug-2013 05:59 am (UTC)
omg i forgot about that ~haunting storyline
zyuranger 31st-Aug-2013 04:57 am (UTC)
I can now use this GIF appropriately.

saintvlas22 31st-Aug-2013 05:05 am (UTC)

~Psylocke, Asian+Caucasian versions
anna_darkholme 31st-Aug-2013 05:05 am (UTC)
sabretooth's (lack of) pants have always disturbed me
snuffyqui45 31st-Aug-2013 05:06 am (UTC)
She was and still is my everything in the cartoon.

Next to Storm ofc.
saintvlas22 31st-Aug-2013 05:35 am (UTC)
From the ends of the earth, send limitless cold upon him!!!!

Her speeches in the cartoon gave me so much life.
firetears_x 31st-Aug-2013 04:58 am (UTC)
I knew whoever made this list was going to add Jubilee. That's such a easy, misinformed answer.
lestat 31st-Aug-2013 04:59 am (UTC)
i still think wondy was most relevant when this happened:

saintvlas22 31st-Aug-2013 05:06 am (UTC)
lestat 31st-Aug-2013 05:08 am (UTC)
bash18 31st-Aug-2013 05:11 am (UTC)
Top Marvel Woman
tx5mym5 31st-Aug-2013 08:04 pm (UTC)
It was such a weird comic book. It was only one issue but they dropped you into it with all this dense mythology and a lot of characters.

I think I'll read it today.
passerine 31st-Aug-2013 04:59 am (UTC)
wtf Jubilee is awesome
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