The 5 Most Amazing Items Currently On Sale at

If you know one thing about me, it should be that I am divinely rich. The type of rich that affords me the opportunity to spend weekdays gallivanting about town with the Primrose Hill set and weekends sunbathing nude with Ina Garten and Nancy Pelosi aboard Noam Chomsky's private yacht, the SS Atheist. If you know two things about me, it should be that I am divinely rich and the most sincere of Gwyneth Paltrow fans. If you must know a third thing, it should be that I am a diagnosed pathological liar.

After days filled with coffee colonics for charity and nights filled with coke fueled orgies, I can barely find time to even mutter a word to my own children (and it is 100% due to my hectic schedule and not at all because I am disgusted by the constant reminder of my ex-husband, my own rapid aging and the fact that I took horse tranquilizers well into my third trimester). However, I ALWAYS find time to peruse Gwyneth Paltrow's legendary lifestyle guide/humblebrag/shoppe for rich white women with too much time and not enough pride - GOOP. It is there that I happened upon these 5 incredible finds that I just know will have each of you salivating like Madonna at a junior high dance or that heffer Cate Blanchett at an all you can eat dick buffet. So without further ado, I present to you, The 5 Most Amazing Items Currently On Sale at

#1 - bright set of 3 heart shaped knicker - $85
Haven't we all wondered how we could look as sexy as our Great Aunt Gertie? The one with dementia, halitosis and the remains of her conjoined twin who died in utero still attached to her neck 93 years later? Well, here's your chance! Thanks to these gorgeous lace knickers that not only cover your wee bits but probably your entire torso and face as well, you can look like the sexiest dame in the nursing home. Plus, the dark colors will help cover any unflattering stains that may occur thanks to your all-laxative summer diet!

#2 - exclusive kids new york bikini set - $45
The only thing more annoying than children is unsexy children. Which is why this children's bikini is a must have for the special child in your life! The lamestream media will have you believe that swimming is a fun, healthy summertime activity but if I learned anything from my dear friend Brooke Shields it is that girls are meant to be oogled at by old men whilst wearing sexually provocative clothing at young ages. How else are they going to learn that their self-worth is connected exclusively to their ability to perpetuate the male gaze?

#3 - set of 3 neutral socks - $79
Don't disregard these socks because they come in at a mere $13 per sock. Yes, they are cheap and look like what I assume a dollar store brand would look like but they make a positively wonderful sexual buffer when your sugar daddy is not adequately providing you with Birkin bags and blood diamonds. Just slip into these toe jammers and turn your man off faster than you can say "anal is extra."

#4 - exclusive rad ring - $1,550
Don't you just hate it when slang goes out of the popular lexicon 20 years prior and no one bothers tells you? Well now when someone rudely calls you out for using a word no one has used since the VHS release of Valley Girl, you can use this ring to pop that bitch right in her surgically enhanced face ensuring she won't forget how "rad" you truly are ever again. And all for the cost of a year's worth of student loans!

#5 - exclusive pink crush print - $350
Nothing says class like a half a titty. Two's too many, one's too obvious but half a titty, half a titty says that you know how to have fun but still have respect for yourself. It says I "accidentally" flashed the paparazzi that "randomly" showed up whilst I was frolicking on the beach with my "boyfriend" (and his boyfriend).