Cher blessed Andy Cohen and the “Watch What Happens Live” clubhouse with her presence on Thursday night, and we’re a little surprised Cohen’s head didn’t explode ... because it was a lot to handle.
At one point, Cohen got Cher to open up about her ex, Tom Cruise.
“Aw, well, he wasn’t a Scientologist then! ... It was pretty hot and heavy for a little minute," she told Cohen. "I’ve had just the greatest lovers ever! ... He was in the top five.”
Cher also admitted to having a lesbian lover at one point -- “Who hasn’t?” she asked -- and attempted to explain her often incoherent tweets. Long story short, she just doesn’t quite understand Twitter. Can't win 'em all!
Thankfully, Cher met those expectations … And more. In 30 short minutes, the songstress manage to show the world just how cool she is. Sure she can somehow pull off outfits with more feathers than an actual bird, but underneath all of the sequins and the headdresses, there’s someone who can deadpan like a pro.
The theme of the night was “I love Cher.” Andy barely started a sentence without talking about how much of a legend, idol, icon she was. Every caller said “I love you,” even the bartender gave a small speech in her honor. She divulged much last night, with topics ranging from horses to right-wing senators. Apparently Andy isn’t the only one who worships at her altar. I’ve listed her best moments Commandment-style, just in case anyone wants to join Genesis — the repeat caller who is not an exotic dancer, but will be one if Andy wants; Andy; the quiet bartender; all of West Hollywood and most of the world in following the Gospel of Cher:
1.) Thou shalt not have a favorite lover. When asked, Cher couldn’t choose her favorite lover. But Tom Cruise is in the top 5. And according to Cher, her list of lovers is one to be admired : “It’s not a long list, just a good list.” Quality over quantity everyday.
2.) Thou shalt not have any Twitter rules and tweet freely. Extremely freely. Tell men that they need penile implants, calling people b–ches — Cher gets sassy.
3.) Thou shalt not wear boring clothes. Stripes. Head to toe. Only Cher.
4.) Thou shalt not discriminate in the act of love. When asked if she ever had a lesbian lover, Cher casually replied: “Who hasn’t?”
5.) Honor thy mother. Wait, Lady Gaga and Cher recorded a song together? And Gaga doesn’t like it? And Cher doesn’t care? And she listens to it all the time because she likes it and thinks that it’s a great song? GAGA, RESPECT MOTHER CHER AND LET HER RELEASE THAT SONG.
6.) Thou shall steal a horse. “I stole a horse when I was thirteen.” “Did you take it as a lover?” “No I took it to Santa Ana.” This is everything.
7.) Thou shall always choose Jesus. If she could choose any person dead or alive to talk to, Cher chose the most famous man in history. What would she say? “Dude, what’s the deal?”
8.) Thou shall shed light. On appearing in a sketch with Farrah Fawcett back in The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour days: “She had t-ts and I didn’t.”
9.) Thou shall love the eighties. Why? Because she could swim naked.
10.) Thou shall slap Andy Cohen when he asks. “Would you like me to take my rings off?” Being fake-slapped by Cher was probably the greatest moment of Andy’s life.