Earlier this week, my editor assigned me the task of seeing a movie called InAPPropriate Comedy. At that time, I had never heard of this movie and I had no idea why the third, fourth and fifth letters in the first word of the title were capitalized. Since that discussion, I have learned two disturbing facts about this movie: (1) Lindsay Lohan is in it and (2) it is not being screened for press. So, late Friday morning, I went to the AMC Empire in Times Square and bought a ticket for InAPPropriate Comedy. Along the way, I kept a live diary. Here's how that went.11:38 a.m.
I feel that it's a bad omen when the only escalator up to the theater playing InAPPropriate Comedy
looks like this. I feel that AMC might be trying to warn me.
I was just informed that the gentleman from the ShamWow commercials directed this movie. I honestly can't decide how I feel about this news. On one hand, it's nice to see people branching out. On the other, I'm about to see a movie directed by the gentleman from the ShamWow commercials.
11:39 a.m. I can confirm that there are at least ten other people in the world who woke up this morning and thought, InAPPropriate Comedy? Sure. Why not?. Then, later, An emergency elevator ride at a movie theater? Sure. Why not?
11:47 a.m. The trailer for Frances Ha, a movie that I saw at the Toronto International Film Festival and loved, just played. I worry that this might be my favorite moment of the day.
11:59 a.m. InAPPropriate Comedy starts with a 127 Hours parody. I can only assume this is in honor of127 Hours' three-year anniversary.
12:02 p.m. Lindsay Lohan is now on my movie screen.
12:03 p.m. Lohan is dressed as Marilyn Monroe, recreating Monroe's famous subway-grate moment. Only the gentlemen from the ShamWow commercials is sitting below her, aiming a video camera at her genitals.
12:04 p.m. This just may be Lindsay Lohan's lowest moment.
12:04 p.m. Come to think of it, this may be my lowest moment, too.
12:05 p.m. Adrien Brody is playing a character named Flirty Harry, a parody of Dirty Harry. He just said, "Go ahead, make me gay." I am not making this up.
12:06 p.m. OK, so, Flirty Harry speaks exclusively in sexual innuendos. Most of them about some form of oral sex. I should take this time to point out that Adrien Brody has an Oscar.
12:06 p.m. So, I finally get why the APP is capitalized in the title. There's a person with a tablet of some sort and he picks from an assortment of apps that take us to different comedy sketches.
12:07 p.m. The next sketch is called "Blackass."
12:07 p.m. The "Blackass" team -- a parody of "Jackass," I assume - just rode a dumpster into a vat of sewage. That's it.
12:09 p.m. The next sketch is called "The Amazing Racist."
12:10 p.m. The "Amazing Racist" is wearing a Ku Klux Klan outfit.
12:10 p.m. I feel very uncomfortable right now.
12:10 p.m. This movie has only been playing for 11 minutes. How is that possible?
12:12 p.m. A man just walked into the theater late. I'm considering catching him up on what's transpired so far.
12:13 p.m. The "Blackass" sketch is back. Two men are jousting in shopping carts using giant penises. I feel really uncomfortable right now.
12:14 p.m. "Though I've enjoyed my time writing for The Huffington Post ..." Oh, sorry, that was just me dictating my resignation letter in my head.
12:16 p.m. In a sketch called "Porn Review," Rob Schneider and Michelle Rodriguez watch a porn movie while a guy behind them rates it on the level of semen in his popcorn bucket. I honestly have nothing else to add to that.
12:20 p.m. And there is your obligatory self-referential ShamWow joke. Of course, it's set during a parody of an Asian porn movie that makes sure to use every Asian stereotype that has been ever invented. But, see, that's the point! It's inappropriate comedy! (I am very miserable right now, I want to add.)
12:21 p.m. I am barely 20 minutes into this movie.
12:22 p.m. I want to correct myself. Not every Asian stereotype was mentioned, because I am currently watching something called "Driving School For The Round-Eyed Impaired." The driving teacher is The Amazing Racist.
12:23 p.m. Would it be terrible if I walked out of this movie?
12:24 p.m. Seriously, life is too short for this.
12:30 p.m. So this driving-school sketch is set up like some sort of Borat-type situation in which the reactions of the "offended" are real. Only the other participants in this sketch are actors, too. So I just don't understand what the point of any of this is supposed to be.
12:33 p.m. And with that blood-in-semen joke, I'm going to go ahead and stop writing things down for a while.
12:38 p.m. Someone in the theater just said under his breath, "Oh, for fuck's sake, will this just end?" (OK, that person was me.)
12:40 p.m. Adrien Brody's Flirty Harry just shot a man, and the bullet traveled from the man's anus into the man's mouth.
12:40 p.m. Adrien Brody has an Oscar.
12:41 p.m. For Best Actor. It's not even one of those Supporting ones.
12:42 p.m. I feel sorry for everyone in this movie.
12:44 p.m. Here's another faux-guerrilla-comedy sketch in which a man dressed as a priest attempts to get people at a Jewish market to sign a petition apologizing for the death of Jesus. Again, everyone is an actor. I should add, these sketches go on forever. Just babbling and more babbling.
12:50 p.m. A character that Rob Schneider is playing just wrote down the word "boring." In turn, I, too, wrote down the word "boring."
12:53 p.m. Oh, good, an abortion sketch.
12:55 p.m. And, yep, there's your coat hanger joke.
12:55 p.m. I miss you, jokes about 127 Hours. Why did you leave me?
12:57 p.m. I hate work meetings. However, at this precise moment I wish my boss would call me in for an emergency work meeting about how to make a nifty slideshow or something. Anything.
1:05 p.m. A man just let a mouse eat cheese off of his penis.
1:06 p.m. That same man just got his penis caught in a mousetrap.
1:11 p.m. This movie seems to, mercifully, be ending. Spoiler alert: all of this nonsense was taking place inside of Lindsay Lohan's vagina. I swear I am not making this up.
1:12 p.m. Lohan, as Marilyn Monroe, just ... you know what? It doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore.
1:14 p.m. This movie is 75 minutes long and it felt like three months. I would not be surprised to walk outside and see people celebrating Independence Day. I'm also questioning the wisdom of a war that made us free to make movies like InAPPropriate Comedy.
1:14 p.m. There are actually blooper outtakes for the people who want to stay in the theater and watch those. I am not one of those people.
1:15 p.m. If only I'd listened to that escalator barricade.