First up...Tammy Fender for goop Serum and Epi-peel Duo - $395
Gwynnie says to "use the best-selling Epi-Peel at the end of the day to exfoliate and follow with the super rich Quintessential Serum to moisturize." Long story short, you pay her $400 for a couple of little bottles of shit to rub on your face so that you too can look like the ghost of an alpaca.
Luckily, I am launching my own beauty regime...
Tammie Brown for luvthatdrywata Fuck yo Face Duo - $3.95
For less than $4 (plus tax where applicable) I give you a paper bag, a travel size Purrell and a jar of store brand Vaseline. You smear that shit on your face and I'll have you looking like a fucking star.
Next up...Kings of Cole for goop Denim Hue Cropped Sweatsuit - $290
Spending Valentine's Day alone...again? If you're a Gwyneth Paltrow fan, the chances are pretty good. So get comfy while watching Shakespeare in Love for the 900th time with the Denim Hue cropped sweatsuit! It has all of the comfort of a sweatpant with none of the style of a jean. The stretch and ease of movement will help you clean your cat's liter box and the ultra-washable fabric makes it easy to clean that awkward mix of chocolate and snot! And don't worry about the price, go ahead and splurge! It's not like you have to save for a wedding, no one is ever going to marry you!
Speaking of Valentine's...Sugar Paper for goop Valentine's - $30
While I do enjoy the nod to gay Paree, methinks the Valentine's below be better suited for Gwynnie...
Don't you agree???
And finally we end with...iomoi for goop Leather Notebook - $120
Ever looked at your dusty, old Trapper Keeper and thought to yourself, this would be so much easier to write in if it was just wrapped in the carcass of a formerly living, breathing thing? I know, I know, haven't we all?!?! Unfortunately, for some reason, the notebooks we really dream of, (composition pads covered in the virgin skin of a young Moroccan street tough) are apparently still "technically" illegal in the US according to several of my attornies. But goop has come along with the next best thing, the custom leather notebook. Because nothing says "I really don't give a single fuck about people or animals" like spending $120 on a pad of paper covered in the remains of a dead animal.
And there we have it! A round up of all that goop currently has to offer! Thank you for reading and remember, if someone ever tries to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do, like eat Cup-a-Soup, just kill yourself because a life with added preservatives is not a life worth leading.