9:12 pm - 01/28/2013

I have to go goop.

It has been a while since I last posted about my darling Gwynniepoo and her adorably misguided jaunts into online retailory. As I'm sure you know, with the holiday season comes an endless barrage of black-tie, non-denominational soirees, gluten-free gefilte fish recipes and last-minute vaginal rejuvenations before the family arrives; not to mention a pesky little unplanned stay in Promises following a misunderstanding with the police investigators regarding my standard post-holiday cleanse and coke binge. Let's just say that spending New Year's Eve listening to LeAnn Rimes drunkenly extol the virtues of the late 90s soap Sunset Beach is no way to ring in the New Year, no matter how many Quaaludes you snuck in through your expertly bleached asshole. But not to worry my lovies, I have survived and thrived and I am back and bitchier than ever. So let us take this opportunity to openly and viciously mock everything that Gwyneth Paltrow stands for. Because we love her. And as my mother always said, when you love someone you mercilessly tear them down until they are nothing but an empty shell with rampant body dismorphia and a complete lack of empathy for others.

First up...Tammy Fender for goop Serum and Epi-peel Duo - $395
product_splash_019_01b_xl_2post-7-035195500 1291290758_thumb
Gwynnie says to "use the best-selling Epi-Peel at the end of the day to exfoliate and follow with the super rich Quintessential Serum to moisturize." Long story short, you pay her $400 for a couple of little bottles of shit to rub on your face so that you too can look like the ghost of an alpaca.

Luckily, I am launching my own beauty regime...

Tammie Brown for luvthatdrywata Fuck yo Face Duo - $3.95
For less than $4 (plus tax where applicable) I give you a paper bag, a travel size Purrell and a jar of store brand Vaseline. You smear that shit on your face and I'll have you looking like a fucking star.

Next up...Kings of Cole for goop Denim Hue Cropped Sweatsuit - $290
images (1)
Spending Valentine's Day alone...again? If you're a Gwyneth Paltrow fan, the chances are pretty good. So get comfy while watching Shakespeare in Love for the 900th time with the Denim Hue cropped sweatsuit! It has all of the comfort of a sweatpant with none of the style of a jean. The stretch and ease of movement will help you clean your cat's liter box and the ultra-washable fabric makes it easy to clean that awkward mix of chocolate and snot! And don't worry about the price, go ahead and splurge! It's not like you have to save for a wedding, no one is ever going to marry you!

Speaking of Valentine's...Sugar Paper for goop Valentine's - $30
While I do enjoy the nod to gay Paree, methinks the Valentine's below be better suited for Gwynnie...
Don't you agree???

And finally we end with...iomoi for goop Leather Notebook - $120
Ever looked at your dusty, old Trapper Keeper and thought to yourself, this would be so much easier to write in if it was just wrapped in the carcass of a formerly living, breathing thing? I know, I know, haven't we all?!?! Unfortunately, for some reason, the notebooks we really dream of, (composition pads covered in the virgin skin of a young Moroccan street tough) are apparently still "technically" illegal in the US according to several of my attornies. But goop has come along with the next best thing, the custom leather notebook. Because nothing says "I really don't give a single fuck about people or animals" like spending $120 on a pad of paper covered in the remains of a dead animal.

And there we have it! A round up of all that goop currently has to offer! Thank you for reading and remember, if someone ever tries to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do, like eat Cup-a-Soup, just kill yourself because a life with added preservatives is not a life worth leading.


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chandyland11 29th-Jan-2013 02:27 am (UTC)
Pretty sure that was intentional.
twowaymirrrors 29th-Jan-2013 02:30 am (UTC)
I did too until I saw this comment...
orlemente 29th-Jan-2013 02:33 am (UTC)
Me too
violue 29th-Jan-2013 02:34 am (UTC)
secura 29th-Jan-2013 02:35 am (UTC)
vivisexion 29th-Jan-2013 02:50 am (UTC)
same lol. nice icon btw
abiding 29th-Jan-2013 02:51 am (UTC)
soapboxrhetoric 29th-Jan-2013 02:58 am (UTC)
mte, i've been watching too much mpgis
secura 29th-Jan-2013 03:09 am (UTC)
that's the joke?
agentnever 29th-Jan-2013 03:20 am (UTC)
That's so far-fetched!

 photo 150px-083Farfetchd_zps3f361106.png
anus 29th-Jan-2013 02:27 am (UTC)
this is a perfect excuse for a makeup post. go go go guys
kookyklam 29th-Jan-2013 02:28 am (UTC)
i dont think you are trying hard enough
beetlebums 29th-Jan-2013 03:28 am (UTC)
You're alive
megswan 29th-Jan-2013 03:31 am (UTC)
fabouluz 29th-Jan-2013 02:29 am (UTC)
Goop is what I get in the corner of my eyes when my mascara is shitty.
mistyraven 29th-Jan-2013 03:06 am (UTC)
Goop is what comes out on my period tbh
a_way_of_sin 29th-Jan-2013 02:29 am (UTC)
deltabean 29th-Jan-2013 02:54 am (UTC)
Mary Cherry :)
fwee_prower 29th-Jan-2013 03:44 am (UTC)
i loved their obsession with gwyneth
chandyland11 29th-Jan-2013 02:30 am (UTC)
So, uh... OT but... is anyone gonna make the post about Bam Margera pissing in his own mouth, or do I have to do it....?
anus 29th-Jan-2013 02:32 am (UTC)

chandyland11 BAM'S VERY VERY NSFW MUSIC VIDEO29th-Jan-2013 02:38 am (UTC)

The pissing is around 2:45.
xzackb 29th-Jan-2013 02:33 am (UTC)
lol omg, let's pray it turns into an ontd TMI post.
executed_blonde 29th-Jan-2013 02:34 am (UTC)

You're going to have to do it... I want to know more

viakyusu 29th-Jan-2013 02:34 am (UTC)
PLEASE MAKE IT! I need this to go to sleep happy tonight lol
ladysherlock 29th-Jan-2013 02:35 am (UTC)
How does that even work? Did he pee in a cup and then drink it?
sweetlilcanuck 29th-Jan-2013 02:46 am (UTC)
if it turns into a slumber party TMI post...yes.
vivisexion 29th-Jan-2013 02:50 am (UTC)
whoa what?! make the post, i need this in my life
kwikimart 29th-Jan-2013 03:14 am (UTC)
Is this what you guys do here late at night?


maebytonight 29th-Jan-2013 03:22 am (UTC)
I seriously keep refreshing the front page waiting for your post
popartpistol 29th-Jan-2013 03:40 am (UTC)
My friend went and saw him "perform" last wk and was bragging about sitting on Novak's lap while he was naked. She's 28.
executed_blonde 29th-Jan-2013 02:30 am (UTC)
I legit thought this said "I have to go poop" and I got a good chuckle out of it.
gaybash 29th-Jan-2013 02:30 am (UTC)
These posts are just to promote yourself, luvthatdrtywata and the schtick is old.
hollywoodhits 29th-Jan-2013 02:41 am (UTC)
sarahvma 29th-Jan-2013 02:41 am (UTC)
I dunno. One, they are funny and two, it requires a lot more effort to type all this out than to just copy and paste someone else's work.
jaimelannister 29th-Jan-2013 03:02 am (UTC)
we need more original stuff imo

plus these posts are funny
quizblorg 29th-Jan-2013 02:55 am (UTC)
OP is genuinely witty, though, which counts for something.
ediesedgwick 29th-Jan-2013 03:30 am (UTC)
andseen 29th-Jan-2013 07:02 am (UTC)
It's too easy at this point.
xena_mademegay 29th-Jan-2013 07:49 pm (UTC)
lol you seem really bitter because you make similar posts and im sure you often get rejected

why are you so jealous?

Edited at 2013-01-29 07:50 pm (UTC)
lillylilacs 29th-Jan-2013 02:32 am (UTC)
I love Gwyneth and Goop, and how out of touch she is.
ectypes 29th-Jan-2013 02:33 am (UTC)
taking this as a make-up post

just started using vitalumiere aqua and it's great!
ilouboutin 29th-Jan-2013 02:42 am (UTC)
Chanel?? Do you think it'll work for my oily skin?
babydontsweat 29th-Jan-2013 02:58 am (UTC)
maybe matte lumiere?
ectypes 29th-Jan-2013 03:37 am (UTC)
i have combination and use it with their matte perfection powder. it works well for me, but i'd look up serious reviews before buying obv if you really want it!
sarahvma 29th-Jan-2013 02:43 am (UTC)
I really don't like foundation, but I heard it was super light -- can you see it in daylight?
kmm122 29th-Jan-2013 04:20 am (UTC)
i was surprised that vitalumiere was a little too oily for me, and i have such dry skin :/

right now i just use ysl touche eclat as foundation
disko_tron 29th-Jan-2013 05:28 am (UTC)
Isn't it? I still have to use concealer but other than that it blends in so well with my skin color.
superdogbiter 29th-Jan-2013 02:35 am (UTC)
 photo tumblr_lwg694iHGQ1qzjix8.gif
toilandblood 29th-Jan-2013 05:56 am (UTC)
aw i love this movie
thishollywood 29th-Jan-2013 02:35 am (UTC)
They r cumin@ u in dis poast op
hollywoodhits 29th-Jan-2013 02:42 am (UTC)
dont come at my gwenyth biotch
_storysofar 29th-Jan-2013 02:35 am (UTC)
I hate to be the person to claim "RICH PEOPLE HAVE FEELINGZ TEW" but I mean, she's just sharing the stuff she uses and what she shops? There are people who buy that stuff...
hollywoodhits 29th-Jan-2013 02:43 am (UTC)
sarahvma 29th-Jan-2013 02:45 am (UTC)
Sure, absolutely. But the issue is -- and I think this is the OP's point -- that this whole site is pretty much a humblebrag. Because would other wealthy people be subscribing to her newsletter to know which $400 moisturizer to buy?

The majority of people who follow goop are middle- to low-income housewives who daydream about her lifestyle. So Gwynnie is putting on a show for them.
_storysofar 29th-Jan-2013 02:48 am (UTC)
Why wouldn't rich people subscribe to her mailing list?
crashh_world 29th-Jan-2013 03:25 pm (UTC)
You don't think Upper Middle class women and moms would eat that shit up?
andseen 29th-Jan-2013 07:13 am (UTC)
It's all in the presentation. The blog posts themselves try to make her sound like a normal everyday person, but the she busts out a $400 peel-and-moisturizer combo as if it's not a luxury item, not to mention $100 camisoles and what not. Then there are the posts like, "OMG I just discovered the best hotel called The Four Seasons!" which are hilarious. I think she did a Favorite Hotels post and it was the same top 10 list from Fodor's.

I love luxury but it should be acknowledged as such.
fukd_by_sugar 29th-Jan-2013 02:36 am (UTC)
Lame post. Gwyneth is a goddess and genius.

Bow before her!
cricketgrl 29th-Jan-2013 02:36 am (UTC)

Flawfree, fabulous Queen!
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