Lifetime presents one of the most hilarious and terrible — hilarrible, if you will — TV movies of our time. Future generations will turn to us and say, “Grandma, where were YOU when Lindsay Lohan laid waste to Elizabeth Taylor’s memory?” And you may be able to look at little Kumquat or Xerxes and say, “Honey, I was passed out on the sofa.” Because reviews suggested that Liz & Dick would make a good drinking game, and who are we to ignore a gauntlet like that?
BEHOLD THE RULES:
Liz and/or Dick drink — but not as much as they do. My god. Get a hold of yourself.
Linds-as-Liz says something meta re: celebrity/the press/the paparazzi.
Poor Grant Bowler is forced to quote Shakespeare, Donne, or anyone else you’d have read in English 101, because RICHARD BURTON IS OF THE STAGE!!!!
Someone wears a sheet or a towel instead of proper clothing.
Lilo’s eye makeup is more compelling than her acting.
You spy a bar cart in the shot (this movie has a LOT of bar carts in it — like, a lot — in part because there is no better way to indicate that your protagonists are alcoholics).
You think, “Wait, what YEAR is this supposed to be?”
You think, “Wait, who is THAT person supposed to be?”
Someone throws something at a wall.
Someone throws something at someone else’s head and hits the wall instead.
Someone collapses and/or awkwardly drops dead.
Jewelry is purchased.
There is discussion of how fat/old Liz&Dick are supposed to be, despite the fact that Lilo&Bowler are wearing neither age makeup nor fat suits.
You think, in spite of yourself, “That outfit is actually REALLY cute.”
You think, “Lindsay should actually wear [X] more often in real life.”
Lindsay seems to briefly attempt an accent, and then abandons it.
You accidentally think, “Huh, that was a good line.”
Any actor appears to have a moment of clarity, wondering what the hell he/she is actually doing working in this trainwreck.
You find yourself using the set to window-shop.
You find yourself mentally recasting the movie with someone more age-appropriate than Lilo.
You find yourself mentally recasting the movie with someone not at all age-appropriate, but more talented than Lilo.
Drink again if at any point you find yourself accidentally drinking at the same time as anyone else on the screen.
Someone — okay, Lindsay — appears in a caftan.
Someone — okay, Bowler — is forced to wear a man-fur.
Lilo wears a head scarf.
Lilo wears a turban.
The turban is fur? CHUG.
Two months from now, go on a bender if Lifetime works its Client List juju and Lohan gets nominated for a Golden Globe (if Lifetime further works its Client List juju and gives Lohan a Liz & Dick series, we might as well all just give up).