ONTD

It is with a proud heart that I present to thee, the latest addition to the goop marketplace – a House of Harlow clutch. This handbag is not just a joint effort between two of the biggest benefactors of nepotism that Hollywood has ever seen – Gwyneth Paltrow and Nicole Richie - but a total must-have for any 53%’er who absolutely fucking hates themselves.

In today’s economic climate, with most small business owners struggling just to keep their businesses afloat, it is so encouraging to see two strong business women come together in celebration of their success. A success which they built for themselves, without government handouts or what the poors call “education.” They pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and aided only with their God-given business acumen, millions of dollars of inherited funds and a rolodex full of mommy and daddy’s contacts, cultivated a business model Mittens Romney would be proud of. After all, it is he who shouted down from the mountaintop of entitlement “Take a risk…Borrow money if you have to from your parents. Start a business.” Such sound advice, such sage words of wisdom and such the “fuck poor people” goop mentality we all aspire to here today.

This modestly priced $225 handbag features a clasp made in the image of Gwyneth herself.
Oh, I’m sorry, my assistant has informed me that that is supposed to be a jag-u-ar, my sincerest apologies (though I think we can all agree that the resemblance between their scowls is rather uncanny). More than this being a stunning handbag because, well, it’s not, this is our opportunity to send a message to all those poor people complaining that they can’t afford goop’s luxury items or you know, healthcare or food or a place to live, that perhaps they should have thought about that before being born of poor parents. It’s not our fault that you won the sperm race in the cheap ovaries. After all, you know a restaurant is not up to par when you walk through a dusty, old door, well, same goes for vaginas. If it’s not waxed in a goop approved Parisian spa abort your mission because chances are your mother won’t be able to afford to abort you.

Speaking of abortions, happy birthday to Gwyneth, who today celebrates her 40th year! And to think, she has only been truly intolerable for 39 of those…give or take a year. Like a prom night partial birth she hasn’t aged at all. XOXO Gwynnie the Goop, enjoy your half a bite of organic, vegan, paleo, gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free, soy-free, taste-free vanilla cake!



Goops I Did It Again