9:31 pm - 09/17/2012

10 Pieces of Videogame Music You Can Totally Have Sex To

Okay: As much as I love videogames and their soundtracks, no one can fault you if there isn't any of it on your personal Makeout/Sex/AwkwardAfterglow playlist. It's a matter of taste. Plus, most commercial videogames in the U.S. don't put sexual arousal high up on their mission statement (the ones that do are usually given the dreaded AO rating and never heard from again). If you want to find some game tunes that will enhance your sex life, you'll generally need a) an understanding partner and b) enough time to sort through all of the many OST's out there and find something suitable. I'm just saying that it's possible. Another key rule of thumb should probably be to stick with post-NES era music. I'm sure there are more vintage chiptune aphrodisiacs galore, but after 1992 it gets a lot easier. But it can be done.

You all are encouraged to experiment with the following pieces yourselves to determine bedroom effectiveness, though be advised that if any of these stir up traumatic memories of endless frustration and game overs you might be better off just throwing on some Massive Attack like a normal person. And no, before anybody asks, I have not personally "tried out" any of these tracks myself to see if they "work". But you can take heart in knowing that all of these at least passed the Red Shoe Diaries test: if you can imagine a sex scene from Red Shoe Diaries synced up to any of this music while it's playing, it's a keeper. That's exactly what real sex is like, right? (Just kidding. Real sex is a lot more like Forbidden Science).

10) "Corridors of Time", Chrono Trigger

Sensual bongos, airy chimes and a zithery-sounding synth thing transport you to the exotic Kingdom of Zeal, the floating Babylon of 12,000 BC, where there are infinite delights to be sampled (especially if you're into blue-skinned tomato people). I guess it could also transport you to the frozen planetside continent after Zeal is destroyed and all the people begin to mix. Isn't it symbolic how the music is the same for both? Feel free to discuss this with your date as you awkwardly stare at your Square Enix action figure collection from the edge of your bed while trying to figure out how to start kissing. This tune may not be slow enough for your eventual purposes but the rhythm makes it an undeniable toe (and hopefully ass) tapper.

9) "Water Temple", The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Sometimes sex can be a little bit like the Water Temple in that you can get about two thirds of the way through before you mess up and have to start over. If that's the case then hearing this stream out of the iHome in your bedroom is not going to do you any favors intercourse-wise. Also, you might need some professional help. But this track's relaxing, shimmery new-ageyness might help make up for its lack of a driving beat and meandering faux-Egyptian guitar noises. Put it in an early spot on your playlist before the evening's tempo escalates, so to speak, and you might just get to knock iron boots sooner than you thought. A sidenote: despite the reputation of Ravel's Boléro as an erotic classic, the Bolero of Fire is by no means suitable for non-Hyrulian lovemaking unless you can get everything done in under two minutes, in which case you clearly don't need a soundtrack at all.

8) "Opening Theme", Ecco the Dolphin

For a game that was probably inspired by staring at an aquarium poster for seven hours, Ecco the Dolphin always weirded me out as a kid. The overly serene natural settings might have been relaxing to some but made me feel like a big heavy shoe was going to drop, even then. If I'd only known that the storyline of Ecco is actually completely insane, involving aliens, time travel, Atlantis, and a final battle against the Vortex Queen, I might have been more interested. Listening to the theme now it seems like somebody at Sega really dug Pink Floyd, and in fact there are Floyd references in multiple Ecco games. Music was integral to the Ecco franchise, and composer Spencer Nilsen even got his own soundtrack for the Sega CD versions of the first game and its sequel, an album called Songs of Time. That's a big accomplishment, but this original version is probably the more fuck-worthy one. Don't ask me why. There's just something about the pacing of it that seems like it would be a superior mood-setter, especially if your quarry is something of a Ray Lynch fan.

7) "Funky Akuda Bar", Beyond Good and Evil

Akuda. Bar. Get it? Stuck somewhere between a stripper anthem and the backing of a lost Cake single is this little ditty. After a long day of digging up dirt on the government, battling aliens and travelling around in a hovercraft with a talking pig, a photojournalist has got a right to unwind, hasn't she? Of course. You get extra points if you can love it up to this one and then follow it with the music from the dreaded disk game.

6) "Aquatic Ambience", Donkey Kong Country

It's funny: listen to this music away from the game it was made for and it almost seems like something from an '80s teen movie slow dance scene rather than the underwater levels of Donkey Kong Country. This is indeed from the original DKC, though (not to be confused with dyskeratosis congenita, which is apparently a big concern for Wikipedia). Something about designing water-based levels seems to bring out the sensitive sides in game music composers: I guess there's something more romantic about floating around underwater than, say, stomping on lizard people in an abandoned factory (that's a challenge, game designers). If you do decide to add this particular weapon to your sexual arsenal, make sure you avoid thinking any thoughts related to the CG cartoon series from the '90s. That, as Justin Bond would say, is a real weenie shrinker.

5) "I Am the Wind", Castlevania: Symphony of the Night

Ohhhhh yeah. You've just vanquished Dracula once again and scored a (perhaps bittersweet) victory for the forces of light. How else to celebrate than with this sizzling soft-rock masterpiece? Symphony's soundtrack is part of what has made the game so beloved in the minds of Vania fans the world over, and all throughout the score is very textured and eclectic, ranging from spooky ambience to kickass power-metal. It also contains such amusing track titles as "Rainbow Cemetery", "Festival of Servants", and "Abandoned Pit", which a friend of mine once left looping on my dorm room computer while I was out until it had played 327 times. And then there's this. With all due respect to vocalist Cynthia Harrell, calling this slow jam incongruous is putting it very mildly. I guess the idea was to give us a suitably cinematic love theme to close out on, given the epic nature of the game. We may be supposed to contemplate the tragic nature of vampire hero Alucard having destroyed his father, but as soon as that saxophone starts up it's impossible to think of anything other than a good old 1997-style tastefully restrained shagging. Another cut that might get the job done is "Crystal Tears", as long as gothic organ-style synth solos aren't a dealbreaker for you and your lucky significant other. Pray that they aren't, lest you screw the whole thing up and be left alone on another Friday night with your miserable little pile of secrets. By which I mean your genitals.

4) "Birdman", Pilotwings 64

Because anyone in a bright green wing suit = prime sexual real estate. Pilotwings 64 offered many vehicles and modes of play from hang gliders to a "rocket belt", but the strangest was probably the Birdman outfit. The main reason you'd pick it would be to explore the serene landscape and look for Easter eggs once you got bored with the standard mission objectives. Why composer Dan Hess decided to make this so damn sexy is a mystery: the tempo is unmistakably pornalicious, and if there's any doubt it immediately vanishes once the faux-flute appears around 2:30. You can almost certainly bet that somebody somewhere has created their own Birdman suit for a different type of recreational activity (which just seems a little impractical more than anything). Still, I suppose if I was gliding around over a polygonal island there's no reason I wouldn't listen to music like this, especially if I'd just been hanging out with Robin, amirite fellas? Although I'm sure Ibis has the better personality.

3) "Stickerbush Symphony", Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest

What was Rare trying to tell us? Sure, unless you're Dr. Abraxas, there's nothing inherently sexy in navigating a pair of monkeys in people clothes through a giant bee-infested briar patch. But take this tune out of context and my mind goes straight into Cinemax mode. Maybe it's just me. I prefer to think that there was a secret conspiracy to inspire sexual thoughts in America's young people throughout the '90s, which is why so many of us developed crippling addictions to both porn and videogames. Or maybe Rare had a secret softcore division in the Philippines that none of us know about. No wonder they made Conker's Bad Fur Day. There's only so much you can suppress the urges brought on by listening to such MIDI devilry all day.

2) "Dolphin", The Longest Journey

If you've been playing all of the items on this list in order and things have sufficiently heated up, you can consider this the "just kidding, now let's actually have sex" track. While they're all pieces you probably can fuck to, this is the only one that I'm sure someone must have fucked to at some point, in that it sounds the most like something you'd actually have on your ipod. Longest Journey had a lot of great, atmospheric, industrial music in it, and this is a prime example. You get a nice two-minute intro before the beats and underwater vocals show up, and then it's all aboard the futuristic fuck train. Between this and Fahrenheit/Indigo Prophecy's use of Martina Topley Bird's "Sandpaper Kisses", it should be obvious that adventure gamers are better lovers. Not that I'm bragging or anything. The tradeoff is that we had to play Dreamfall, so all you non-adventurers can feel relieved (IT'S A JOKE! NOT A TROLL, I SWEAR!).

1) "Victory Fanfare," Any Final Fantasy Game

If you have sex with someone and you time it so that this plays right after the two of you climax and they agree to see you again, you two should get married immediately.

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devetu 18th-Sep-2012 01:35 am (UTC)
lol i remember trying to play ecco as a kid, but i couldn't figure it out so i gave up and was all like "whatever bitch, stay lost"
saintclaire87 18th-Sep-2012 01:43 am (UTC)
Me too. lol I think I got lost in a cove or something.
whitegirlthin 18th-Sep-2012 02:01 am (UTC)
o god that game pissed me the fuck off when I was a kid! I had no time for that shit, and only played the game, like, twice ;p
beck_rocks 18th-Sep-2012 02:13 am (UTC)
me too and i even downloaded it about a year ago and still couldn't figure it out
sergeant_duckie 18th-Sep-2012 03:04 am (UTC)
me too! I'd always come to the same place where I couldn't figure out how to get any further!
angelmonster 18th-Sep-2012 03:28 am (UTC)
The same, I remember trying to jump over a rock and couldn't do it so I always imagined him getting beached and died.
devetu 18th-Sep-2012 04:16 am (UTC)
LMAO i know the exact rock you're talking about
victory_goddess 18th-Sep-2012 03:38 am (UTC)
I finally beat it after playing for way more hours than I feel comfortable admitting. I will still never figure out how the aliens came into play in the last level.
iamglory 18th-Sep-2012 07:33 am (UTC)
ME TOO!!!! The game provided no direction.....just flip and hit shit with your voice...but I had no idea what to fucking do!

"Whatever bitch, stay lost" should be a shirt with Ecco on it!
hoot 18th-Sep-2012 12:12 pm (UTC)
Same. I'd get literally 5 minutes into the game and I couldn't get around a big rock and I was like, "fuck this, I'm playing toejam and earl."
leopard_legs 18th-Sep-2012 06:31 pm (UTC)
for some insane reason the game really freaked me out, so I'd start it and after about five minutes tell the dolphin to go fuck itself and clear out of there
sherlockholmes 18th-Sep-2012 01:37 am (UTC)
All the music from the Donkey Kong games was amazing.
krycek_chick 18th-Sep-2012 12:40 pm (UTC)
Yes! This!!!
yah_bish_yah 18th-Sep-2012 01:37 am (UTC)
lol Ecco was such a trippy experience. I don't think I ever got very far in it.
vehiclesshockme 18th-Sep-2012 01:43 am (UTC)
I loved that game but I don't remember being very good at at.
yah_bish_yah 18th-Sep-2012 01:46 am (UTC)
The highlight for me was jumping out of the water.
raised_eyebrows 18th-Sep-2012 01:37 am (UTC)
The overly serene natural settings might have been relaxing to some but made me feel like a big heavy shoe was going to drop, even then.

Such an accurate description. I was convinced that a huge shark was going to attack Ecco at any second. I didn't play for very long.
sandvich 18th-Sep-2012 01:44 am (UTC)
Oh gosh, me too! I have such an overpowering fear of the ocean/things that live in the ocean that I actually ended up bursting into nervous tears when I played Ecco PS2 because the stillness + music + darkness just stressed me out so much.

In my defense, I was like ten.
pretend_to_care 18th-Sep-2012 03:12 am (UTC)
Oh my gosh, me too! My friend kept trying to get me to play Ecco, and it freaked me out to the point of tears more than once.
d00ditsemily 18th-Sep-2012 01:37 am (UTC)
OMG Ecco Dolphin was my shit when I was younger same for Crystal's Pony Tale
imamonsterr 18th-Sep-2012 02:01 am (UTC)
omg crystal's pony tale

__planitbremix 18th-Sep-2012 02:58 am (UTC)
I HAD THAT GAME! ( I have no idea where it is now, but I believe I lent it to my friend along with Pirates of Dark Water but she lost it, and when she dies I will bring that up at her eulogy!"
Was it just me, or did sometimes the color you could choose for the pony's change?
bonjourchloe 18th-Sep-2012 03:27 am (UTC)
crystal's pony tale was soooo my shit i loved that game so much
modernelegance 18th-Sep-2012 01:38 am (UTC)
Played Ecco so much...but I felt like SO MANY Sega games were never ending. (LIke Beauty and the Beast...followed directions and NEVER got to the castle...such a rip off!)
anus 18th-Sep-2012 01:39 am (UTC)
I don't know why this immediately made me think of
dame_n_doortune 18th-Sep-2012 01:41 am (UTC)
This place needs some Safe For Work porn.

wasster 18th-Sep-2012 02:07 am (UTC)
lol, I so want to send this link to a guy in my class(art school) cause he's always posting porn on his blog, but I don't think we're close enough for it not to be fucking weird!
dame_n_doortune 18th-Sep-2012 02:12 am (UTC)
Honey, it's weird no matter who you send it to!
fuckyess 18th-Sep-2012 04:21 am (UTC)
fking love that you clarified "art school" even though it wasn't really needed in the story

i know that feel
jjuunniiee 18th-Sep-2012 03:19 am (UTC)
Hahahaha the corn one always kills me.
kniferomance 18th-Sep-2012 05:56 am (UTC)
This is never not funny. I'm crying. omg.
snuffyqui45 18th-Sep-2012 01:41 am (UTC)
Oh hai Topless Robot on my ONTD. <3
vehiclesshockme 18th-Sep-2012 01:41 am (UTC)

Seriously the music on this list? It sounds like it was put together by a neck bearded weirdo who wants to fuck a dolphin in outer space.
vivisexion 18th-Sep-2012 01:42 am (UTC)
lol so accurate
sandvich 18th-Sep-2012 01:46 am (UTC)
It probably was. Nerdy guys are freaks, and not in a good way.
whitegirlthin 18th-Sep-2012 02:07 am (UTC)
I bet.
kapuki234 18th-Sep-2012 02:10 am (UTC)

idgi those girls who wear those "i love nerds" t-shirts

what they really want is a cute guy in glasses, not

lucciolaa 18th-Sep-2012 02:26 am (UTC)
I keep a strong distinction between nerds and geeks. I think geeks are the creepy ones.
lovebats 18th-Sep-2012 01:46 am (UTC)
raised_eyebrows 18th-Sep-2012 01:49 am (UTC)
I'd be willing to bet that's what this guy is like. There's a reason he didn't get the chance to try out any of these songs.
queenweasley 18th-Sep-2012 01:55 am (UTC)
Lol, I wanted to say something like this but I didn't want to be mean. Thank you.
whitegirlthin 18th-Sep-2012 02:03 am (UTC)
yeah all I could think of was, 'what a fucking doof.'
devochkazhenya 18th-Sep-2012 02:16 am (UTC)
my idea of a good time tbh
mhfromnh 18th-Sep-2012 04:18 am (UTC)
no lie, I'd like to get nasty in space. obviously not with a dolphin.
chiixhideki 18th-Sep-2012 01:41 am (UTC)
o god

the water temple
lowering and raising the water level got so painful after a while
sandstorm 18th-Sep-2012 01:42 am (UTC)
Any song from Knuckles' levels in Sonic Adventure 2, especially Aquatic Mine or Death Chamber.

I've never played Ecco.
vivisexion 18th-Sep-2012 01:43 am (UTC)
but why would i want to have sex to any video game music, ever?
whitegirlthin 18th-Sep-2012 02:04 am (UTC)
Makes you wonder what else these ~gamers do~~
kapuki234 18th-Sep-2012 02:08 am (UTC)
ugh ikr they're weird and cray that's why.
redleigh86 18th-Sep-2012 03:15 am (UTC)
there's a lot of great video game music out there though. Not that I'd have sex to most of it, but it's just like any other music, it's not wildly different just because it's made for video games...
usagidropicons 18th-Sep-2012 03:18 am (UTC)
no lyrics.
can't tell you how many times I catch myself singing during sex. Video game music is my go to. (And thankfully my finacee doesn't mind)
madmike91 18th-Sep-2012 01:43 am (UTC)
hehehe water temple ;) ;)
alienclit 18th-Sep-2012 01:43 am (UTC)
Someone putting on video game music during sex is such a deal breaker.
kapuki234 18th-Sep-2012 02:08 am (UTC)
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