TIFF '12 aka Annual Celebrity Clusterfuck

For those of you who don't know, the Toronto International Film Festival just wrapped. I missed out on last year's because i was out of town for school, but definitely made up for it this year. This has not only be the BIGGEST in terms of star power, but the most successful all around. Also, because I'm a part-time employed graduate and work was slow last week, i had a bit too much time to sit my as all day at premieres. And here...we...go...

let's start from the beginning. TIFF opened on Thursday the 6th with Looper. I had a great view but i was a bit far down and didn't expect anyone to come over.

not johnny depp

piper perabo

so i totally forgot that emily blunt was in the movie, and that she is married to jkras. so when jkras came, i began to lose it because jim halpert is the man. because he's also a giant, i took copious amounts of photos of him

just emily blunt in my face. she's the only one who came all the way around

can you spot the smug douche who hates premieres?

the only photo i got of bruce willis bc dude didn't stop

Then, I did a 20 minute power walk to another theater to see if I could catch the departures from an American Beauty reading that was done. It had ran late so I got there just in time :)


just b.cras going down on me

Jason Reitman who directed the reading. You may know him as director of such films as Thank You For Smoking, Juno, and Young Adult

Christina Hendricks didn't stop because they were running late but i scored this awesome photo.

Day 2 was the premiere of Imogene in the afternoon with my spirit animal, Kristen Wiig, and everyone's favourite Gleek, Darren Criss

Kristen is a doll. She's such a sweetheart and literally signed for EVERYONE and took photos with whoever asked. Right when she was at me, her publicist said they had to do press but promised to come right back. When she was done, she came directly back to me.

I look like a pile of shiat so i blocked my face.

Darren's eyes are UNREAL irl. They're so beautifully green. Also, starkid fangirls ARE THE WORST OMG.

Then, I again did a 20 minute power walk to another theater for my husband aka Ryan's premiere. Along the way I saw ET canada filming on the street, and because I had a massive adolescent crush on Rick Campanelli when he was on muchmusic, as I walked by i yelled "I LOVE YOU RICK!!!!!" to which he responded with "aww thank you!"

ok, and now to NIGHTMARE NIGHT #1. not only is the setup here incredibly cramped, the but staff dgaf. I ended up second row behind these thirsty 40 yr olds. The one in front of me kept standing on the barricade so i couldn't see shit even though i tried pulling her down. She's that girl who got the photo with Eva.

Note that I am 5ft and don't weigh much so I have a hard time in these crowds usually.

First to arrive was Derek Cianfrance. He directed Blue Valentine as well as this effort The Place Beyond The Pines. He is a SWEETHEART. Was asking everyone's names and how to spell them when he was signing.

MADNESS began when Bradley Cooper arrived. We were all jammed into barricades where there were probably literally only 5 people in front row. so like 5ft wide. And of course, people FEEL THE NEED TO START PUSHING AND RAMMING AS IF IT WILL SOLVE SOMETHING.
there were also hundreds of people lined across the street and bradley went into traffic across to go over to them, as they didn't close the street down.

one of the 40 yr olds in front of me was showing off how she got bradley to sign her chest, but it was ok because she's married and has young kids. lady, pretty sure you should be at home with your young kids instead of getting celebrities to sign your chest.

spot the katpiss

some crazy-eyed bitch

DEAR GOD I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED. girls ran into live traffic and FUCKING SWARMED HIS CAR. people were pushing like mad and there were a couple moments where i legit couldn't breathe because i was getting crushed so bad. i'm surprised i didn't break a rib or something because these people were PSYCHOTIC. i was going HAM on everyone

this is what happened across the street. yes, they are in the street.

Ryan did his photo op stuff, then came over to sign. but he was only over here maybe 20 seconds TOPS because people were pushing like rabid animals that the barricades AND photo wall almost toppled over, so they were all 'NOPE. GETTING RYAN THE FUCK OUTTA HERE'

After i was free from that mess, i went down the street to another premiere to see who was coming. jfc askars makes women lose their panties. like these women were LOSING IT.

Julianne Moore was there too

Day 3: There were 2 big premieres at the same theater that day, so I got there early to improve my chances as the day went on. First was Hotel Transylvania and for that i was far back but the tweens left after that cast went in. I didn't get any photos of selena because i was stuck behind tall people and selena is tiny and my arm only reaches so high and the bitch on a stool in front of me was a bitch

adam sandler

andy samberg

thankfully i ended up front row after that premiere. they had moved the barricade in so there was space for pedestrian traffic, because they are dumbasses and still hadn't closed down a lane. so for 5 hours i was stuck beside a twihard but she was nice. and we basically stood for 5 hours straight and didn't let go of the barricade until it was moved back. i ended up in the PERFECT spot, right at the corner.

and now for Cloud Atlas

so this girl looked hella familiar, but it wasn't registering. i couldn't place her. then when i got home i realized it was julie benz aka rita on dexter. poor rita :(

zhu zhu

lana wachowski who looked FABULOUS. the hair is a bit much but she looked really good

susan sarandon
she is TINY irl. she also asked me to take off and put on the sharpie lid for her


so when i was about to take a photo of tom and myself, HE TAKES MY CAMERA TO TAKE THE PHOTO. he also took not 1, but 2 because he wasn't satisfied with the first one.

please ignore my face and shit-eating grin.

hugh grant was there too

halle berry looked not a day older than her 2002 oscar win

she also asked me to take off the sharpie lid for her

ben whishaw who i don't care for, but he is kind of adorable irl

jim sturgess who is a hawtie and i love his voice. please note the hilarious tiff volunteer photobombing the corner of my photo. he was holding me in the barricade and kept me entertained for a few hours. he also looks like a blonde marcus mumford.

Day 4 was Zac Efron day. Again, i came early because his film wasn't until 10 and there were a few other films that day. I got there when Jackie Chan arrived for his so there was a big crowd. They dispersed for the most part after. But then it was Naomi Watts and Ewan McGregor's film and there were still people there for that.

naomi looking skeletal


I'm literally the only person who knew who Gael Garcia Bernal was

So by the end, I ended up 2nd row but behind this gross dude who had slept overnight and a couple girls who were taller so THIS WAS NIGHTMARE PART 2. again, people were maniacs and it was even worse than ryan. like i thought i broke my toe because it was pulsing all night. i got shitty photos and left after telling off a 40 yr old dude whose arm was in my neck and who was pushing AFTER ZAC HAD ALREADY GONE IN. he almost came at me haha

and he looks hella old

zac being the sweetheart he is first went across the street and around to everyone there. then he came back. and mayhem ensued.

Day 5 was bill murray day. The day started out with me loitering the Intercontinental because my friend had an in and said zac was supposed to be there for press junkets. however, that was incorrect :( i did see jake gyllenhaal about 4 times but didn't approach him bc i didn't want to risk getting kicked out before zac. also saw YOUR FAVOURITE BLUEBERRY. ngl eli was looking good

i got to the premiere maybe about an hour and a half before and was shocked at how much space there was. i ended up scoring the best spot.


laura linney


he is everything i ever wanted. so sociable with the fans, joking around. basically you better bow.

On Wednesday was the premiere of Smashed starring Aaron Paul, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Nick Offerman, and Octavia Spencer. I waited 4 hours for AARON PAUL TO HAVE LEFT THE NIGHT BEFORE, BITCH. But i saw ontd on the girl beside me's twitter/phone and so we chatted for a bit. (holla if you're reading this!). we only found out aaron wasn't coming as the arrivals happened. also, i was stuck in front of a middle-aged overweight, greasy mouth breather. i didn't even have to turn around to smell the fast food and body/hair grease. just looking at him made me dry heave. his belly was touching me at one point and i felt extremely violated. he kept yelling for mary even when she wasn't coming over our way and it got to the point where i had to say to him "please stop, you're making me very uncomfortable"

octavia is adorable irl

AND FINALLY YESTERDAY, MY FAVOURITE DAY. so i got downtown around 12 because i wanted to be super safe. there were only about 6 people there so far. unfortunately, it began to rain and rained until literally before the premiere. it cleared up just in time to be graced by zac's presence. and the WONDERFUL STAFF AT THIS THEATER came over to us and gave us a paper with a number so we didn't have to wait in the rain. told us to come back at 5. so i spent the day consuming an orgasmic salted caramel mocha and reading We Need To Talk About Kevin in the chapters in the mall.

came back around 4 just to be safe and they were actually smart and had closed down yonge st. the woman made sure those of us with numbers got priority position. i had an AMAZING spot at the corner. also, these people actually behaved and weren't super pushy. the first person to arrive was some vomit-inducing pornstar looking mess of a woman named valeria marini. botched plastic surgery, awful skin, uneven balloon boobs. it was quite frightening. just google her.




i started to shake and cry when i was looking through my photos later.

so what happened was that when he came out, he went just past me and then signed all the way down. then he went across the street and went all the way down that line. then came back around the section opposite me and then across and back to us. except he took his last photo with the girl beside me. so i inhaled him and resisted the urge to touch him. i'm fine with that because i have already met him and my pictures are heavenly and his eyes were dreamy and i'm just so happy to have been in his perfect presence. how do you wake up every day and look in the mirror when you are GENETICALLY PERFECT!?

then i ventured to the back of the theater to see him when he left. he was supposed to leave for dinner and come back but they ended up staying for the whole film. this lady came along who is apparently a famous "tiff veteran" and last year got over 50 signatures on her shirt. i'm hoping her child wrote that because when i asked her who she wanted to 'sing' for her, she said "no, sign! it says sign!" so i just didn't bother. because please was missing an 'e'.

and fin. can't wait until next year :D

and for good measure, here's the clip of me talking to ryan from his premiere years ago

source: my eyes, not a nikon d7000