The GOOP by Gwyneth Paltrow Collection RETURNS With Rag & Bone(y Ass)!!!!

If you’re anything like me you are always wondering what to do with all that extra money you have laying around. After all, there are only so many 24K gold pilates tables and black market black babies one can buy! Luckily, goop is back with a brand new collaboration that can be all yours for just over $1,600; a wee bit less than what I assume is the average American’s weekly smoothie budget!

These Rag & Bone rags don’t just serve fashion but also function. For instance, if you're looking to piss off your frienemies at vegan Sunday brunch and purge, these leather pants are sure to do the trick! For the nominal price of $935, plus tax, shipping and the life of a cow (no, I don’t mean Kate Winslet…or do I?) you’ll be looking totally stylish…well, not really stylish now, per se, but stylish for, like, the 2001 VMAs???

Or, get ready for Halloween early with the bromley blazer. You’ll dazzle at this year’s costume soiree as a repressed Republican lesbian who un-ironically shops at the Salvation Army for 1980s power-suits or as a Dalton Academy Warbler with a stick up your ass rather than Chris Colfer’s dick. Or maybe you enjoy Chris Colfer’s dick in your ass, I am not here to judge what you do in the bedroom, only the amount of money in your bank account.

Now, while I have nothing but utmost love and the mild revulsion for goop, I can in no way, shape or form condone the purchase of the skinny ankle zip jean. They don’t even cost $200 a pair! I mean, what are they made with? Actual rags? Breathable cotton? The tears of old people? Like, ew! I did NOT have my anus waxed, bleached and surgically shrunken to cover it with chintzy, affordable fabrics. And that's my right as a Bush tax-cut-paying American.

While not all of the new items live up to my high goop standards I, for one, am so happy that goop is back. When it went dark for August, my soul went dark. I mean, I almost forgot how to be white. It’s so embarrassing but once I even accidentally thought I found out who Tyler Perry was. Luckily it was just Kate Winslet with a tan! G(oops), my bad!