"Between you, Dolph Lundgren and Arnold [Schwarzenegger], this is the first English film to have an English translator."
– Jay Leno, poking fun at Expendables 2 star Sylvester Stallone and his fellow (European-born) action stars, on the Tonight Show
"someone just told me im prettier than Miley Cyrus."
– Miley Cyrus, gushing about her edgy new pixie cut, on Twitter
"The last time I had a bad breakup, Ben & Jerry's got me through some of the tougher times."
– Jon Stewart, commiserating with Robert Pattinson over pints of ice cream, on The Daily Show
"The Spice Girls seemed to have fun being on stage again. There was a scary moment when one of the decathletes mistook Victoria Beckham for a javelin."
– Jimmy Kimmel, on the singer's performance during the closing ceremony of the London Games, in his monologue
"I can tell you it's not about me."
– Joe Jonas, insisting that he is not the inspiration behind ex Taylor Swift's newest single, "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together," on Washington, D.C.'s 94.7 Fresh FM radio
"It's even better than sex!"
– June "Mama Boo Boo" Shannon, on her obsession with extreme couponing, on TLC's Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
"Whoa, I'm just Josh. What are you so excited about?"
– Hunger Games star Josh Hutcherson, on his reaction to screaming fans, to PEOPLE
"I like the good guys."
– Jennifer Lopez, on her type, to InStyle
"After the competition, I splurged on an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's."
– Olympic all-around champ Gabby Douglas, on how she celebrated her gold medal victory at the London Games, on The Tonight Show
"Rosie, this is true – she actually had 'Property of Tom Arnold' tattooed on her hip, which made me the fourth largest property owner in California."
– Tom Arnold, joking with ex-wife Roseanne Barr, during her Comedy Central roast
Which celeb has THE BEST quote this week?
What do Jay Leno and R Kelly have in common?
JStew and RPattz eating foot cream
Mama BooBoo is better than sex
Even Josh doesn't care about himself
JLo apparently can't get a good guy
Tom + Rosanne = otp
HAPPY FRIDAY, ONTD! :-) xoxo