6:26 pm - 07/06/2012
author's note: Just as Fifty Shades of Grey came from Twilight fan fiction, my [Now magazine's] Cougar Porn book One Seduction is (very) loosely inspired by the private lives of One Direction's Harry Styles, Niall Horan, Zayn Malik, Liam Payne and Louis Tomlinson.
Following the huge response to Chapter 1, I've decided to carry on writing. So, close the curtains, turn your mobile to vibrate, and join Carol-Anne Flap in her thigh-partingly erotic journey of enlightenment, as she encounters one member of boyband One Seduction after another...
One Seduction
Chapter 2: One Thing
As 32-year-old cougar Carol-Anne Flap came to her senses in Harrington Stiles' king-sized water bed, memories of their night of unspeakable passion came flooding back. His boyish curls caressing her stomach, her hands on his nipples - the two normal-sized ones and the two little ones. She was still naked, surrounded by her crumpled clothing, which the teenage stallion had expertly removed just hours before.
She felt a familiar warmth spreading through her body. Unfortunately the water bed had sprung a leak during the night, leaving her in the mother of all wet patches. She turned to where Harrington had been lying, only to find that she was alone. Alone and damp.
It was only when she glanced up at the mirrored ceiling she saw the message scrawled in lipstick. On her forehead. 'Top night, babe. Hx'. The realisation hit her that she was just another notch on Harrington's impressively long post. Angrily she wiped her forehead clean and started sobbing.
Through her tears, Carol-Anne didn't hear the door opening, or the footsteps on the deep shagpile. Suddenly, she heard a gentle Irish voice say 'Don't cry, I'm Nile Hardon,' and she felt her exposed, wet, body enveloped in a large fluffy towel.
Carol-Anne opened her eyes to see an 18-year-old blond-haired angel staring at her. His piercing baby blue eyes seemed to say 'I'll make everything better.' His ruby red lips did say 'I'll make everything better'. His skin-coloured hands didn't say anything - they were too busy vigorously moving the towel up and down her body.
Carol-Anne couldn't believe her luck. Another member of One Seduction! Maybe it was the luck of the Irish, rubbing off on her. There was certainly enough rubbing. Her inner goddess did a jig.
Then he was kissing her. Where Harrington had been tender, Nile was insatiable. His tongue darted around her open lips, and in and out of her mouth, like an aggressive tapdancing leprechaun. Then he spoke again, his Irish lilt bubbling and fizzing in her brain, like, erm, Lilt.
'I've been endowed with an incredible gift. There's one thing I can do with my instrument that the other boys in the band can only dream of.' And then he started strumming...
She couldn't work out where he'd been hiding the guitar - and she didn't care. The guitar arched and bucked in Nile's talented hands, as his strumming grew faster and faster, the strings vibrated under his dancing fingers, strange animalistic moans and squeals began to emanate from its curved body.
And at that moment Carol-Anne knew exactly how the guitar felt...
E.L. James: tabloid writer in a previous life?
This totally highlights the ridiculousness of 'Fifty Shades'. Caroline would never be this girl
by N. OW. Magazine
Fifty Shades of One Direction: Chapter 2
Following the huge response to Chapter 1, I've decided to carry on writing. So, close the curtains, turn your mobile to vibrate, and join Carol-Anne Flap in her thigh-partingly erotic journey of enlightenment, as she encounters one member of boyband One Seduction after another...
One Seduction
Chapter 2: One Thing
As 32-year-old cougar Carol-Anne Flap came to her senses in Harrington Stiles' king-sized water bed, memories of their night of unspeakable passion came flooding back. His boyish curls caressing her stomach, her hands on his nipples - the two normal-sized ones and the two little ones. She was still naked, surrounded by her crumpled clothing, which the teenage stallion had expertly removed just hours before.
She felt a familiar warmth spreading through her body. Unfortunately the water bed had sprung a leak during the night, leaving her in the mother of all wet patches. She turned to where Harrington had been lying, only to find that she was alone. Alone and damp.
It was only when she glanced up at the mirrored ceiling she saw the message scrawled in lipstick. On her forehead. 'Top night, babe. Hx'. The realisation hit her that she was just another notch on Harrington's impressively long post. Angrily she wiped her forehead clean and started sobbing.
Through her tears, Carol-Anne didn't hear the door opening, or the footsteps on the deep shagpile. Suddenly, she heard a gentle Irish voice say 'Don't cry, I'm Nile Hardon,' and she felt her exposed, wet, body enveloped in a large fluffy towel.
Carol-Anne opened her eyes to see an 18-year-old blond-haired angel staring at her. His piercing baby blue eyes seemed to say 'I'll make everything better.' His ruby red lips did say 'I'll make everything better'. His skin-coloured hands didn't say anything - they were too busy vigorously moving the towel up and down her body.
Carol-Anne couldn't believe her luck. Another member of One Seduction! Maybe it was the luck of the Irish, rubbing off on her. There was certainly enough rubbing. Her inner goddess did a jig.
Then he was kissing her. Where Harrington had been tender, Nile was insatiable. His tongue darted around her open lips, and in and out of her mouth, like an aggressive tapdancing leprechaun. Then he spoke again, his Irish lilt bubbling and fizzing in her brain, like, erm, Lilt.
'I've been endowed with an incredible gift. There's one thing I can do with my instrument that the other boys in the band can only dream of.' And then he started strumming...
She couldn't work out where he'd been hiding the guitar - and she didn't care. The guitar arched and bucked in Nile's talented hands, as his strumming grew faster and faster, the strings vibrated under his dancing fingers, strange animalistic moans and squeals began to emanate from its curved body.
And at that moment Carol-Anne knew exactly how the guitar felt...
E.L. James: tabloid writer in a previous life?
This totally highlights the ridiculousness of 'Fifty Shades'. Caroline would never be this girl
by N. OW. Magazine
I spend a good two minutes laughing at this. It reads just like 50 Shades of Shit, I bet.
I clicked and read part one and almost died laughing at this:
His eyes reflected the twinkling stars in the night sky, and his dark, curly hair bobbed gently in the moonlight, like a discarded wig in a swimming pool.
Moving on I remember watching this interview and the JLS vs 1D one and laughing at how nervous Harry was around Caroline. He couldn't think or speak.
tbh
what is this
where am i
Nile Hardon? Really now?
o
It just goes to show how horrible the original source material is because this parody is pretty spot on :/
Edited at 2012-07-06 05:52 pm (UTC)
best.
she works at the shithole that is hollister tho
What is happening to kids these days.
but what is this
idgi
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fifty_Shad
poor 1D being the characters in that parody lmao