ONTD, you know better than anyone that there are few things in life I enjoy more than sitting down with a lovely, fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free, soy-free, vegan, fair trade, organic acai berry, ginger root and Dulcolax tea, freshly pressed by my live-in servants, having one of my IT people crack open a fresh iPad and reading through the latest GOOP e-newsletter. So imagine my surprise when this week, GOOP FINALLY released the first item in the anxiously awaited GOOP Collection - a reasonably priced and ever-so-innovative $90 white t-shirt! It's perfect for warm summer nights in the Hamptons or warm summer nights in St. Bart's or warm summer nights in Detroit (just kidding, is Detroit even still considered a place?).
Anyway, as you can see, Gwyneth has taken fashion to a whole new level with this piece. Just look at that delicious scoop neck! Has such a neckline ever been done before? Tres chic! No longer will you be feeling choked by tyrannically tight collars. Unless of course, your latest sugar daddy is into that sort of thing, in which case, this tee is perfect for letting the press see your dedication to accurately portraying the role of Anastasia in the film adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey whilst at Sunday brunch with the girls (who you paid to pretend to be your friends).
Anyway darlings, the last point I want to make is that you need to place your orders soon. Not for fear of a sell-out but to get in before Hanes Her Way sues Gwyneth for copyright infringement. As you are undoubtedly aware, "the man" is always hassling Gwynnie P. and I have no doubt she will once again be subjected to their racist, classist and whateverist agenda. Though I consider myself more spiritual than religious and have recently separated from the Church of Scientology for reasons I'm legally bound not to disclose, I would like us to all join in a prayer that Gwyneth's latest endeavor will be as successful as her not at all strained marriage to Chris Coldplay.
Shooting thy latest Iron Man;
Thy t-shirt come
For $90, are you dumb,
I can get 3 for $10 at TJ Maxx.
Give us this day your daily rich people problem
and forgive us our poverty,
as we forgive you for tweeting the n word;
and lead us not into a Tracy Anderson workout,
but deliver us another shitty, overpriced t-shirt. Agoop.