Avengers XXX has slightly better 3D than Marvel’s The Avengers

At least, I never said to myself “This is too dark, what’s going on?” Nope, it was always quite clearly a penis going into a vagina.

We start off in a desert, where a semi-naked man wakes up. Uh, movie, I think we came in a little late, we missed at least ten minutes of reverse cowgirl and faked moans. But no, it’s just Bruce Banner, judging by the shredded jean shorts (what, you think people wear those by choice?). Off that… demure opening, we get the title and the most rising theme a Casio keyboard can produce. For some reason, I’m very disappointed that we’re following the XXX Avengers and not the Analvengers. Or Marvel’s Avengers Ass-emble. I don’t care if Nick Fury is a breast-man, never pass up the easy pun! Afterward, cable news—that’s the second least sexy thing I’ve ever seen in a porno—starts going on about a battle between the Hulk and the Abomination (Analmination?) in Las Vegas.

The damage was so extensive that even the city's priceless still-life photograph exhibit on the skyline was irrevocably besmirched with fire gifs.

Cut to Avengers headquarters, where apparently the housing bubble collapse has even hit Earth’s mightiest heroes, as it’s an abandoned warehouse. Choice table, though. Hawkeye complains about the housing, to which Nick Fury rejoinders about his purple mask. Wow, who would’ve expected that of two Avengers movies, the one Joss Whedon directed would be less post-modern. Fury continues that they’re supposed to be low-key, which I’m not sure is the best word to describe four porn stars in low-cut Halloween costumes.

Fury introduces the rest of the team—Scarlet Witch, Ms. Marvel, and Spider-Woman—and ScarWit asks what they’re doing here. Yeah, you weren’t in the movie! By all rights, this movie should be Pepper Potts, Maria Hill, and Black Widow, that’s it. And okay, maybe some of the Chitauri were women. Hey, it’d still be a better sex tape than Paris Hilton’s.

Iron Man shows up for another comment about the crappy set. “What’s the matter, Fury? Congress cut your funding?” Hey, what’s he look like to you, Planned Parenthood? An argument erupts over how to handle the Hulk, with Tony favoring the “Leave Hulk alone” strategy and Ms. Marvel wanting to snatch him. Not like that. (Maybe like that.)

Just as everyone starts arguing, Scarlet Witch casts a spell to silence all sound waves but hers, telling them that they’re acting like children (and she should know, she raised two demons that might’ve been children that might’ve then been reborn as members of the Young Avengers) and furthermore that she doesn’t work for the government. She leaves the building, as does a flying action figure of Iron Man… that was a little random… oh, that was the effect… while Spider-Man looks on.

Hawkeye goes after Wanda, but comes across Black Widow, which naturally distracts him.

Easy-access open or the world's worst visible pantyline? You be the judge!

Hawkeye accuses her of sleeping with Tony Stark while she was on assignment with him—well, to be fair, she did eat his head afterward—but she denies it. They chit-chat about Hawkeye getting to lead a “West Coast” branch of the Avengers in the future—and seriously, the West Coast Avengers is probably the least sexy thing you could bring up now. But apparently it works for Hawkeye, since he lets her archery sex pun.

With that accomplished, we cut to a floating cardboard cut-out of Iron Man confronting a guy covered in green bodypaint—wait, actual Iron Man and actual Hulk, got it. Suddenly, Iron Man is all about bringing the Hulk in and attacks him when he doesn’t cooperate. I’ve never seen a character’s outlook change so rapidly when he isn’t being written by the guys from Lost. It doesn’t work out well for Iron Man, as he gets punched across the desert. Which, let’s face it, is probably as good as you can hope for when running into the Hulk in a porn movie.

More of the desert (this must be Anakin Skywalker’s least favorite movie) as a pick-up pulls up to where Iron Man has landed. A fat guy in overalls gets out to see if ol’ Shellhead’s alright and please, porn gods, don’t let him have sex with Tony. I know it’s a long shot, but when you have Chyna in your porno, all bets are off.

Back in New York, or more likely, San Fernando Valley, Nick Fury is in a high-rise, staring out at the city. Maybe he got tired of those motherfucking snakes on his motherfucking Heli-Carrier (wait a minute, what’s that? That was the millionth repetition of that joke on the internet? I GET A FREE GRAND SLAM BREAKFAST AT DENNY’S? Oh snap, this blogger gig is working out awesome!). Sharon Carter comes over to inform him of the Hulk punching Iron Man across state lines. “Good!” Fury chuckles. He died, Nick. What’s wrong with you?

Convinced that now the Avengers are ready for a second go, Fury tells Sharon to get the team back together. “You’re really excited about this, aren’t you?” she asks. “We should do something about that.” Not that kind of excited, Sharon.

They revel in the physical act of lovemaking, and even though he’s her boss, it’s less creepy than when comic book Sharon gets it on with Captain America, her great-aunt Peggy’s lover. I’m just saying, when Captain America died, he had to come back to life just to stop hearing “Holy shit, my NIECE!?” in the afterlife.

Back in Avengers Headquarters And Shipping, Scarlet Witch is practicing shooting holograms with her hex-bolts. Ms. Marvel comes up to compliment her powers and Scarlet Witch compliments her powers back and you know where this is going. It’s like my mom always said, what would you expect from a witch and a woman who goes by “Ms”?

Scarlet Witch looks like a comic book come to life! if that comic book was drawn by Greg Horn.

Wanda corrects Ms. Marvel about having magic, explaining that her mutant power allows her to alter probability to the point of being able to make almost anything happen. And somewhere is a nerd who’s going to be really disappointed when these two stop talking about superpowers and start having sex.

“Read my mind then,” Ms. Marvel challenges her, revealing the most fundamental misunderstanding of Scarlet Witch’s powers since she was written by Brian Michael Bendis. Wanda admits she can’t. “Too bad,” Carol continues. “You would’ve really liked what I was thinking.”

“Why don’t you tell me?”

“I was thinking that you were dangerous and beautiful,” Carol says, not mentioning that she was also thinking of kissing Wanda, fondling her breasts, undressing her, performing cunnilingus on her, being fingered by her, having cunnilingus performed by her, and some light petting. Although admittedly, she might have come up with some of those later.

Okay, is anyone else disappointed that Ms. Marvel and Spider-Woman didn’t get it on? I’m not complaining about Scarlet Witch and Ms. Marvel doing the Black Swan thing by any means, but Carol and Jessica? They’re kinda married. And they had Hawkeye and Black Widow getting together, they’re kinda a couple in the comics too. Damnit, is it too much to ask for a little attention paid to harebrained fangirl subtext in a porn movie?

Elsewhere, Thor is in room full of drapes and lanterns, surely the safest combination since Facebook and privacy. “I try not to concern myself with the affairs of mortals,” he says, not counting the thousand comic books where he concerned himself with the affairs of mortals. “Except for those that stem from my brother Loki.”

Tony Stark: So THAT'S where he got the cape!

She-Hulk, also in the room, sympathizes with him, since her cousin Hulk is… the Hulk. “Green is a scary color,” she comforts. Yeah, gives people PTSD flashbacks to Green Lantern. “Why are Blake Lively, Ryan Reynolds, and Peter Sarsgaard supposed to have grown up together? One of them’s forty years old and the other is still in her early twenties!”

Thor suddenly blows up at Shulkie for her ‘insolence’, asking if she thinks he’s afraid of the Hulk. What’s with these people? Are they all speaking some foreign language that’s just been dubbed into English, and I’m missing all the subtleties of their performances? Apparently so, because it seems like Thor’s outburst was code for “Jam that tongue down my throat.”

Now, as a writer for a feminist website, I try to avoid body-policing. But though I’m sure Chyna is a lovely woman with a good grasp of spelling when it comes to things other than her own name, I doubt anyone watching the WWF has ever thought to themselves “This is nice, but what would be really great is if she were painted green and having hardcore sex.” So let’s make like we’re at a Lindsey Lohan trial and pretend nothing ever happened.

Back at Avengers Headquarters And Aluminum Siding, the team has re-assembled only for Spider-Man to drop in. Hey, just like in the Silver Age, when Spider-Man would just show up at the Fantastic Four’s place and ask for a job, then be a dick about it. Sam Raimi would be so proud. Assuming he watches porn and doesn’t just write episodes of Spartacus when the urge strikes.

"And then, Jaime Murray and Lucy Lawless have sex. Now that that's decided, what should we name their characters?"

Spider-Man calls Hawkeye a William Tell wannabe and shoots web on his arrow—even I’m surprised that’s not an euphemism—so Scarlet Witch uses her magic to shut everyone up again. Damnit, Wanda, you have to let things escalate a little before you calm them down. You’ll never be on the Bad Girls Club at this rate.

Ms. Marvel tells Wanda to calm down, so I guess it wasn’t a one-night thing. Maybe there’s something developing between these two. I mean, they thought they were just experimenting, but then it turned out they had something real.

[Ed's note: Five thousand-word essay on Wanda/Carol deleted.]

And that’s why Vivid Video is handling this relationship better than Shonda Rhimes ever could!

Suddenly Thor comes in, with She-Hulk getting the door for him. I guess chivalry really is dead if even the guy in chainmail is giving up on it.

She is a lady, Thor! I can't provide a citation or anything, but she's still a lady!

“If we are going to be comrades then we must be friends!” Thor bellows, ignoring that no one invited him to be comrades. He’s probably talking about being friends on Facebook, since no one has answered his requests. “And shall no one like my status update? I said Loki was a vile betrayer! Surely, there can be but jolly agreement on my words!” Fury agrees, shaking hands with him, thus making everyone a lot more comfortable with a heroic Norseman with long blond hair and blue eyes.

Later, Spider-Man and Ms. Marvel are alone, talking about him joining the team. They probably wanted to get away from Thor. “Varlets! Is there not one among you who wishes to hear the Odinson’s guitar playing! Long a winter have I spent practicing mine skills, yet it is naught but an annoyance to you!”

Carol tells Spidey that the Avengers was supposed to be the public face of the superhero world, and Spider-Man has image problems (probably comes from sounding like he smokes two packs a day and three on Sunday). “That why your team ended up with five white guys and one woman?” he doesn’t reply. But she does say he’s better as a solo hero, which I’d have told him too, and gives him a hummer, which I doubt I would.

Funnily enough, Peter/Carol is actually a pairing from the comics, and a pretty cute one at that. This porno is like my broken clock—right twice a day and full of semen.

Afterward, they’re cuddling, Carol’s breasts exposed and Spidey still in full costume—okay, I know Tobey Maguire took his mask off too much in the movies, but this is going way too far in the other direction. He rues not going after the Hulk, while Carol comforts him (wow, fourth base wasn’t enough? Dude wasn’t this mopey after Gwen Stacy died) by saying she’s not going either. They’re going to the Arctic Circle, which is the one place where wearing red and blue longjohns makes sense.

We pick up in the Arctic Circle, or on a soundstage, if you want to believe they didn’t actually go to the Arctic.

But why would you ever think that?

Spider-Man brushes away from snow to reveal Captain America. I don’t know if finding a dude is the best way to tease a sequel to a porn movie, but that wraps up the movie. So that was the Avengers XXX. Not too bad, aside from the Chyna thing, which if it weren’t for chapter skip would be a deal-breaker. Everyone was mostly in character, except for the oddly pissy Thor. And technically speaking, the porno Hawkeye is a lot closer to the comics than the movie’s quiet, melancholy take on the character. Although for a movie mostly called the Avengers, they sure didn’t avenge anything. At the end most of them were off to fight the Hulk, but still, even Fantastic Four had the good guys fight crime slightly before the end. And I don’t know what Sharon Carter was doing there. Maybe they’re setting her up to be Captain America’s love interest, but if not, they should’ve just included Maria Hill. Or are porn movies required by law to have 3/5 blonde casts?

But then again, Lois Lane didn’t enjoy getting raped and Flash Thompson didn’t get lucky, so I’m willing to call it–this is the best superhero porno of our time.

Although… we saw Ms. Marvel have sex twice and “got” to see Chyna have sex for half an hour, but Spider-Woman didn’t even get naked?

I realize it must be hard getting out of that outfit, but still.