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12 Naughty Bits From ‘50 Shades Darker’
prettywitch wrote in ohnotheydidnt

If the mixed crowd at E.L. James’s Florida book signing was any indication, the author’s “mommy porn” is catching on among daddies and even granddaddies. To wit: my 72-year-old uncle has snatched his wife’s copies of the books. I’ll admit after finishing the first installment I was ready for a break from Anastasia’s “inner goddess” and Christian’s tortured, tortured soul. But apparently I was in the minority, as 50 Shades Darker is currently No. 2 on USA Today’s bestseller list, just behind 50 Shades of Grey.

The Cinderella storyline and spanking continues in 50 Shades Darker, but Christian Grey the sadist has softened considerably in the five days since Anastasia ran away from his “Red Room of Pain” at the end of the first book. It’s not long before she’s back in his clutches and, Holy cow!—her “inner goddess” is acting out in all sorts of psychologically and physically implausible ways. Desire runs through her veins, pools in her groin, and races through her bloodstream during foreplay, but it’s clear that what she’s really getting off on is their increasingly lovey-dovey relationship. Christian doesn’t even attempt to spank her—let alone pull out the nipple clamps and ball gags—until almost halfway through the book.

Spoiler alert: the Twilight-y love story escalates in 50 Shades Darker, but the author hasn’t lost her touch when it comes to writing about sex in gory detail. Below, the most “Jamesian” passages from the second book in her Grey series.

Anastasia’s still scared of Christian’s ‘Red Room of Pain,’ but she wants his ‘kinky fuckery.’

“‘Do you want a regular vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all?’” My mouth drops open.

“‘Kinky fuckery?’” I squeak … My inner goddess is down on bended knee with her hands clasped in supplication begging me. “ ‘I like your kinky fuckery,’” I whisper.” (Page 34)

‘Kinky fuckery’ includes food during foreplay and rough sex.

“[Christian] trails a spoonful of ice cream down the center of my body, across my stomach, and into my navel … He kisses each of my breasts and sucks each of my nipples hard, then follows the line of ice cream down my body, sucking and licking as he goes … ‘This way,’ he murmurs and abruptly is inside me … He leans over, releases my hands, and pulls me upright so I am practically sitting on him … He nuzzles my neck, biting down, as he flexes his hips, deliciously slowly, filling me again and again. He smiles against my neck, and his fingers curl around my jaw and throat, holding me fast for a moment.” (78, 79)

Anastasia wishes she didn’t want someone so badly who is ‘crazy with a capital K.’

“Why, oh why have I fallen for someone who is plain crazy—beautiful, sexy as fuck, richer than Croesus, and crazy with a capital K?” (104)

Anastasia forgot how much she likes when Christian spanks her really hard.

“This feels different than the last time—so carnal, so … necessary. He caresses my behind with his long-fingered hands, and I’m helpless, trussed up and pressed into the mattress, at his mercy, and of my own free will. He hits me again, slightly to the side, and again, the other side, then pauses slowly as he peels my panties down and pulls them off. He gently trails his palm across my behind again before continuing my spanking. I surrender myself to the rhythm of blows, absorbing each one, savoring each one … I moan loudly as my body takes over, and I come and come, convulsing around his fingers.” (153)

Rough sex turns into ‘gentle, sweet lovemaking.’

“He flexes his hips so his erection pushes against me … Yes. Right there … He runs his teeth along my chin, eases back, then slides into me again—so slow, so sweet, so tender—his body pressing down on me, his elbows and his hands on either side of my face. ‘Oh, Ana,’ he breathes as he lets go, my name a benediction on his lips as he finds his release. His head rests on my belly, his arms wrapped around me … I just want to enjoy the quiet serene afterglow of making love with Christian Grey, because that’s what we’ve done: gentle, sweet lovemaking.” (186, 187)

After steering Christian’s yacht, Anastasia gives into more ‘unexpected audacity.’

“I step towards him, slip my fearless fingers inside the waistband of his jeans, and tug so he’s forced to take a step closer to me. He gasps involuntarily at my unexpected audacity, then smiles down at me. I undo the button, but before I unzip him I let my fingers wander, tracing his erection through the soft denim. He flexes his hips into my palm and closes his eyes briefly, relishing my touch … I move my hands to the front of his jeans and pull down the zipper. My intrepid fingers move through his pubic hair to his erection, and I grasp him tightly." (218)

Christian bends Anastasia over a pool table, her ‘inner goddess starts to tango,’ then he spanks her with a ruler.

“ ‘I don’t’ care if you hit or miss baby. I just want to see you like this—partially dressed, stretched out on the billiard table.’ I flush, and my inner goddess grabs a rose between her teeth and starts to tango … He caresses my behind, over and over again … I bend over the table once more … ‘You missed,’ he says softly in my ear … Gently, he caresses my behind and curls his other hand around the nape of my neck, his fingers tightening around my hair at the nape, his elbow at my back, holding me down … ‘Open your legs,’ he murmurs and for a moment, I hesitate. And he smacks me hard—with the ruler!” (243, 244, 245)

Anastasia on meeting Christian’s former ‘Submissive’: Holy Fuck.

“Holy Fuck. She’s here, gazing at me with an unnerving blank expression, holding a gun. My subconscious swoons into a dead faint, and I don’t think even smelling salts will bring her back … Christian’s expression is raw, full of some unnamed emotion. This is Dominant Christian, and how at ease he looks … Finally he mouths a word at her. I can’t make out what it is, but the effect on Leila is immediate. She drops to the floor on her knees, her head bowed, and the gun falls and skitters uselessly across the wooden floor. Holy fuck.” (309, 313)

Christian submits to Anastasia, and lets her touch him ‘in the forbidden zone’ …!

“With his eyes wide and full of fear, he gently tugs my hand and places it on his chest over his heart—in the forbidden zone. His breathing quickens. His heart is beating a frantic, pounding tattoo beneath my fingers … I gasp. Oh, my Fifty! He’s letting me touch him.” (326)

Too bad he’s still a ‘sadist’ and likes to ‘whip little brown-haired girls.’

“ ‘I’m a sadist, Ana. I like to whip little brown-haired girls like you because you all look like the crack whore—my birth mother …” He runs a hand through his hair and almost smiles but instead sighs ruefully. ‘I’m talking about the heavy shit, Anastasia. You should see what I can do with a cane or a cat.’ ”

But then he begs her to ‘touch him where I’ve never touched him before’ and ‘unman’ him.

“I groan and run my fingernails across his back. And he gasps, a strangled moan … ‘You are going to unman me, Ana … You—take me.’ I sink down onto him … reveling in the fullness of my possession, reveling in his reaction, watching him unravel beneath me. I feel like a goddess … ‘Ana, touch me … please.’ I lean forward and steady myself with my hands on his chest … ‘Come on baby, I need this. Give it to me.’ And I explode, my body a slave to his, and wrap myself around him, clinging to him like a vine as he cries out my name, and climaxes with me, then collapses, his full weight pressing me into the mattress.” (343, 344)

Anastasia’s all about the BDSM stuff now! She trusts her sweet sadist and ‘sexual mentor.’

“‘These clamps are vicious.’ He prods the nipple clamps. ‘We’ll use these …They’re adjustable.’ Christian, my sexual mentor … My mouth is already open from panting. I open wider, and he slides a large cool metal object between my lips. Shaped like an oversized baby’s pacifier, it has small grooves or carvings … ‘I’m going to put this inside you …’ His fingers trail between my buttocks spreading oil … Instantly the plug inside me starts to vibrate—down there! ... It feels alien, full, forbidden … but oh … so … good … As my body explodes, I’m nothing but sensation—everywhere.” (487, 492, 493)


why do people like this? WHY?!?

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Another 50 shades of suck post.....
Edit to say that this article is pretty informative. I can send it to anyone thinking of reading this crap.

Edited at 2012-05-04 10:58 pm (UTC)

this book has been receiving so many ontd posts

I think it should get its own Tag. I feel as if I want to go back and read these posts if they ever do make this into a movie.

The posts are always hilarious tbh

Lmao is that 2/4ths of Dru Hill? The first one looks like Nokio.

Every time you see her writing, read it like William Shatner, when he plays Captain Kirk and is slowing collapsing dramatically.

But I like Shatner and his Kirk. Why would I want to tarnish my fond memory of them with this crap?

It makes all of that crap she wrote, even funnier, I mean, I often read entire ONTD posts inside of my head...with Gollum's voice. It's all for comedy.

/oh no....it's catching....can't stop....

speaking of shatner..... did those priceline commercials KILL HIM OFF?

Funny because every time she says "Oh my!" I imagine it in the voice of George Takei.

i still have no idea what this shit is except it involves tampon fucking

When did you start your period, Anastasia?” he asks out of the blue, gazing down at me.

“Err... yesterday,” I mumble in my highly aroused state.

“Good.” He releases me and turns me around.

“Hold on to the sink,” he orders and pulls my hips back again, like he did in the playroom, so I’m bending down.

He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all… Jeez. And then he’s inside me… ah! Skin against skin… moving slowly at first… easily, testing me, pushing me… oh my. I grip on to the sink, panting, forcing myself back on him, feeling him inside me. Oh the sweet agony… his hands clasp my hips. He sets a punishing rhythm – in, out, and he reaches around and finds my clitoris, massaging me… oh jeez. I can feel myself quicken.

“That’s right, baby,” he rasps as he grinds into me, angling his hips, and it’s enough to send me flying, flying high.

Whoa… and I come, loudly, gripping for dear life onto the sink as I spiral down through my orgasm, everything spinning and clenching at once. He follows, clasping me tightly, his front on my back as he climaxes and calls my name like it’s a litany or a prayer.

Edited at 2012-05-05 02:45 am (UTC)

Oh this is the one? ewwwwwww

I obtained the ebooks through the internets and have been lolling for the past couple of days as I've been reading these.

My coworker who is gushing over these is going to give me her nook copy so I can read it

they cheer me up ❀◕ ‿ ◕❀

i find them so bad I can't even lol. I just cry over my chances of ever getting published


“ ‘I’m a sadist, Ana. I like to whip little brown-haired girls like you because you all look like the crack whore—my birth mother …” He runs a hand through his hair and almost smiles but instead sighs ruefully. ‘I’m talking about the heavy shit, Anastasia. You should see what I can do with a cane or a cat.’ ”

why is there a cat involved?????????????? unless cat is code for something IDK

Edited at 2012-05-04 11:01 pm (UTC)

cat o nine tail, I´m presuming. Although if he started flinging actual cats at her, I wouldn't be surprised, tbh

Short for cat o'nine tails. Which is this.

Edited at 2012-05-04 11:12 pm (UTC)

(Deleted comment)
"you all look like the crack whore—my birth mother"



lol this is some effed up ish.

Someone has mummy issues.

I don't want to know what he does with cats. Unless cat is a name for a sex toy and I'm just naive.

* reads rest of thread* I really should read the other comments before commenting myself.

Edited at 2012-05-05 11:13 am (UTC)

Another 50 shades of grey wank post?


2012-05-04 10:59 pm (UTC)


Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Re: Another 50 shades of grey wank post?


2012-05-04 11:24 pm (UTC)


Re: Another 50 shades of grey wank post?


2012-05-05 12:32 am (UTC)

lolol omg

Re: Another 50 shades of grey wank post?


2012-05-05 12:37 am (UTC)


Re: Another 50 shades of grey wank post?


2012-05-05 02:42 am (UTC)


Re: Another 50 shades of grey wank post?


2012-05-05 03:16 am (UTC)

this gif is less disturbing to me than the the book's popularity

this shit is 500 pages long??

and what is the explanation for that inner goddess bullshit

that inner goddess stuff makes me think of the friends episode where rachel tells ross to quit stealing her wind or w/e


No, it's three books long, and is the about the same length as The Lord of the Rings and it's.....all written.....like this.

500 pages? shit, in 500 pages there better be a hidden treasure map to a fucking book store with instructions on how to choose a new book.

Her inner goddess is basically her own urges to follow along with Christian's kinky stuff. Like "I thought this was crazy but my inner goddess was doing the tango" or something. She just says this kind of thing SO MUCH that you want to throw something at her.

"I open wider, and he slides a large cool metal object between my lips. Shaped like an oversized baby’s pacifier, it has small grooves or carvings … ‘I’m going to put this inside you …’

da fuq, is this a sex toy??? and you're describing it like a baby item? that is fucked up

i believe she is talking about a butt plug

at first i thought he meant a speculum but she'd describe it funnier if it was

These posts give me so much life omg, I'm ready!


(Deleted comment)
Me too! I was searching hard for YA news today

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