Stodden, America’s new role model?
Someone younger. Someone more connected to us through social media. Someone who’s not afraid to express herself artistically or sexually. Someone who dared explore the mysteries of love at a young age.
It’s Courtney Stodden, of course, who fits the bill like no other, and there is no scarcity of wisdom to be gained from her.
Born in 1994 and married in 2011, she has been scorned, called the “Child Bride.” But certain civilizations would have considered these nuptials to be in no way shameful. And her 51-year-old husband couldn’t agree more.
She wasn't born in 1994. Stop lyinggggg
The fairytale began when the ageless bombshell wrote her first fan letter to teen idol and syndicated television heartthrob Doug Hutchison. Stodden’s mother carefully monitored the correspondence to keep it PG, according to an ABC report.
It was a match made in Heaven. Indeed, Stodden and Hutchison made sure to leave plenty of room for Jesus while appearing in public prior to their wedding night, allegedly at Doug’s insistence ["Doug Hutchison, 51, and Courtney Stodden, 16, dish on controversial marriage," ABC News, July 15, 2011].
Here Stodden demonstrated her commitment to always respect the wishes of her elders. And of her parents.
The couple earned a pretty penny at their wedding, the photos of which come highly recommended by anyone who’s ever read a tattered celebrity gossip magazine in a waiting room. Courtney created a demand and provided the supply, teaching young girls more about go-get-’em entrepreneurship than all the American Girl books combined.
But she wasn’t done.
Her debut single “Don’t Put It On Me” waxes poetic about the delicate dynamics that arise when other women’s partners admit their attraction to her. She croons about the beauty of freeing yourself from jealousy and respecting fellow women — and then something about how thankful she is for American soldiers. She delivers this thought-provoking audio-visual feast in a pink bikini, perched on the edge of a small boat.
Courtney’s Twitter prowess puts every so-called social media mogul to shame. Her tweets highlight the importance of literacy — alliteration in particular — and creative expressions of sexuality.
Writes the budding auteur on Twitter: “Lubricating my limber legs with a creamy lotion that electrifies my luminescent captivation, lustrously. It’s Slippery Saturday! XOs! ”
Courtney is a woman of her word. Accused by the liberal media of having implants, she volunteered to get an ultrasound of her boobs on live television. And to quell rumors that she is secretly a 35-year-old performance artist, Courtney immediately produced a birth certificate and proudly displayed it on the many television appearances that would soon follow.
In addition to her age and breast size — the airbrushed abs are still up in the air — Courtney proves to us the existence of true love and the benefits of dedicating your existence to absolutely nothing else.
Perez Hilton, known for his cold heart and gotcha journalism, once asked her what her education or career ambitions were, if any.
She boldly responded, “I am already majoring in Doug… or should I say he’s majoring in me? My dreams? They are delicious! Math? 17+51=SEXY LOVE!”
There is no man too big to admit crying at this sentiment.
Courtney Stodden is a beautiful, half-naked enigma wrapped in an American flag. She is a tale of rags to riches the likes of which America has not seen since the days of Horatio Alger.
Above all, she lives by what she preaches. It’s an alliterative life full of love and sequences of tweets sexualizing everything from Santa Claus to altogether intangible concepts. Every message she sends brings us closer to enlightenment.
Walk around in a G-string bikini. Juxtapose subtle references to your elderly lover’s bodily fluids with Bible verses about the glory of God’s creations. Say nothing in interviews merely stick your tongue out suggestively to substantiate your spouse’s points.